Joe’s Fun Afternoon

 A lovely story for all ages.

One day (today, in fact), Joe sat in front of his computer. He was trying to work but it wasn't going well. Then he had an idea.

"I know," he said to himself. "My friend Steve, who is a writer, says that sometimes when he gets a bit stuck he goes for a walk or does something active."

But what could Joe do?

He didn't want to do the fucking washing up.

He really, really didn't want to do the fucking bins.

He was absolutely fucked if he was going to go anywhere near the fucking hoovering.

"Oh what am I to do?" he wondered. Then he had an idea.

He smiled to himself.

Yes!

He would go upstairs and reattach the blind that had fallen off the wall in the bedroom!

That would be good, and it would help him sleep because the arsehole sun would be a little bit blocked in the morning.

So off he went, upstairs.

He took a screwdriver.

He took some screws.

He went upstairs and came back down again.

The silly goose had forgotten the rawlplugs!

Joe came back down.

"Oh, I'd better take this drill as well," he said. "And that hammer. I don't want to make a mess."

And up he went.

And, what do you know?

He put the rawlplugs in the holes.

He tapped them in with his hammer.

He picked up the wall bracket that had fallen off the blind.

And he screwed it in!

"Oh this is great," Joe said, out loud. "This is a very sturdy and excellent and clean fix!"

And so he lifted up the blind -which by the way was about three feet wider than he thought it had been, because he thought it was measured in cm but the seller on ebay was using inches - and put it within the brackets.

Except it wouldn't fit, because it was out by about half an inch and the brackets were so well-screwed-in that they would not budge.

"Oh, you absolute fucking cunting wank shit piece of aids," quipped Joseph. "You fucking fuck from fucking fuckland. Fuck you."

And he took out the screws.

And he took out the rawlplugs.

And he took out the bracket.

"No problem," he lied, sweating like a fucking shitting dog. "I will take my drill and the masonry bit and drill two new guide holes."

So he unscrewed the drill thing and put in the masonry bit and drilled two new holes exactly where the blind's new bracket needed to be.

And he put rawlplugs in the holes.

And he tapped the plugs with the hammer.

And he picked up the bracket again.

And he screwed it in, a little worried because it seemed a touch too easily done.

But he lifted up the blind, which was stupidly massively wider than the window, because he had confused centimetre measurements with inches, and it fit!

Oh! It fit perfectly!

But because the wall was fucking shit and the holes he'd drilled were too close to the other holes, the whole fucking thing came crashing down onto the floor, taking about eight inches of plaster with it.

And now there are two even bigger holes in the wall; two massive, round, crumbly fucking holes, which need filling somehow.

Oh silly Joe!

He should have done the fucking hoovering!

He should have washed up yet a fucking gain!

He should have done his work on the computer.

He should have done the stinking, fucking shitty, smelly, heavy bins!

Oh Joe! You are a cunt! You stupid fucking useless cunt! Now you have to go to buy some expanding foam from B&Ms.Oh what a silly sausage!

And that is the story of Joe's Afternoon.

Joe wonders sometimes why he has never got a deal for his kids' books.