Pumpernickel Fuckface, FBI

Pumpernickel Fuckface, FBI

Loved to be a cop, and he loved to get high

Tried to be the best that he could be

For his Commander, Pickles McGhee.

Pickles was the sharpest shot you would see

Lock and load and fire so effortlessly.

Wow, Pumpernickle Fuckface - FBI

 

Pumpernickel Fuckface, FBI

Mosied down to Evidence Locker Five

Checked out a bunch of coke and crystal meth

Insuffulated madly right at his desk

His heart beat louder than the loudest drum

Firecrackers, fizzes, frazzles and thrum

In Pumpernickle Fuckface - FBI

 

Pumpernickel felt the power inside

Sloshing and a-rumbling like a raw riptide

His brain was whizzing, faster than a gadfly

His skin on fire, and with blood in his eyes

He felt his guts lurch insufferably

Cause something deep inside wanted to be free

From Pumpernickel Fuckface - FBI

 

He got up from his desk, it was midnight at least

And burst into the office of the Chief of Police

He thrust down his old badge on the Commander’s desk

And said: “I don’t need nothing anymore from this dreck,

I ain’t gonna be no bully-boy’s slave

I ain’t throwing no more protesters in jail,

I’m Pumpernickel Justice - Hear my cry.”

 

Pickles looked at Pumpernickel nonchalantly,

Shook his head, and with a shrug said, “That’s as may be,

You’ve been a good cop, now just pass me your gun,

Your time as FBI’s star agent is done,”

So Pumpernickel disarmed himself once more

And was shot to death before he hit the floor

Oh Pumpernickel Fuckface - Why oh Why

 

Lieutenant Commander Pickles ‘Sniper’ McGhee

Sighed and started on the paperwork: “He’d

Drawn his gun on me right out of the blue,

And there was nothing else for me to do.”

Pickles knew there was no chance he’d get caught:

Exonerated by the toxicology report

On Pumpernickel Fuckface - FBI.

 

The human of the future

 Now that Brexit has finally been done and the population is being vaccinated at an unprecedented rate, we can look toward an exciting future. Every single one of us has had to adapt to a new way of working and living, the world having changed forever.

Boffins predict that by the time lockdown is finally lifted in the summer, humans will have gone through an accelerated evolution phase.

Because of the risk of transmitting viruses, nature will have given us special anti-bacterial fluid that oozes from our pores. This will be most notable on our hands, which will exude a special plasma coating.

Due to the prospect of airborne viruses, our noses and mouths will be a thing of the past. Instead, a single kazoo-shaped gill-like protuberance will be used for breathing, talking, and singing. This will feature a special one-way sphincter valve to protect ourselves and each other.

Our football stadiums will continue to be hotspots for infection, although horse racing meetings will still confer immunity. The traditional half-time pie will become obselete in favour of a special injection, which will engender those familiar sensations of savoury taste, congealed fat and ultimate self-loathing.

With the traditional Friday night clubbing now a distant memory, our hips are evolving into piston-like highly efficient machines; this will help tremendously with the new requirement to stand up, sit down, and walk between rooms occasionally each day at home. Because of the lack of loud chart music in our ears, they will shrink to the size of a mouse’s ear - as small as a grain of rice!

For those who have worked from home offices during the lockdown, there’s good news. You will evolve the opportunity to instantly give less of a toss than ever before. Allied to this is an imminent Deepfake-style Zoom plug-in, which will give the ability to freely disassociate from internimable meetings online whilst appearing to remain engaged, and you’ll be able to get on with more important business like eating pot noodle over the sink.

Keen masturbators will be perked up by the lower reproduction rate due to the lack of in-person dating. The price of Viagra is expected to plummet by 95%, making it more affordable than ever before to beat their record for joyless wanks-per-day.

Nature, however, is already fighting back by shrinking the size of testes, which will produce fewer sperm than ever before. Ironically, women’s tits will get bigger as the evolutionary arms race continues.

Genetic enhancement, cyborg systems and nanoparticles will continue to be just five years away from popular usage. Cloning technology, such as that used to keep a Keith Richards always in the system, will also reach high-street stores in the next half a decade.

Humans will also be able to instantly conjour up an online shopping list - due to chips in our brains! These lists will be delivered by flying drones, which will be fitted with special instant-substitution technology that replaces the ordered loaf of bread with a bunch of carrots and a pair of heelys.

In anticipation of the growing climate crisis, humans are already evolving to cope with huge changes in global weather patterns. Be it rising sea levels, massive storms, scorching heat or unseasonal hurricanes, humans will, post-pandemic, have developed a sense of mortality and emptiness at the pointlessness of even trying. Good old Mother Nature!

 

 

I Am A Man

 I’m

(Hashtag)

NOT

ALL MEN

But I am

one.

 

And I am

sick

and ashamed

and angry.

 

These things don’t happen because

SHE

wore a short skirt or a low cut top or heels or makeup

or because

SHE

was drunk and flirted and even maybe snoggy

or because

SHE

walked home through a park a dark place a pissy alleyway alone

 

They happen because

MEN

and, yes, not me, and not

ALL
MEN

but

a MAN

does something unspeakable

 

And they continue to happen because

most rapes do not lead to prosecution or even reach court

and because

sidebars on newspapers use words like

flaunt, all-grown-up, figure, topless, beach body, shameless

and all that.

 

Sex is good. Most people like it.

But it is not a right.

A negotiation is not a commodity.

A body is beautiful. But it is not yours unless it is yours.

Is that really so difficult?

 

And look.

Fuck off with this horrible shit of

she shouldn’t have walked that way next time take a rape alarm take a knife take a taxi don’t walk at night wear a long coat don’t make eye contact don’t don’t don’t

 

And please can we start saying

to our boys

to each other

to ourselves

to

ALL MEN

 

Do not rape.

do not attack.

do not follow.

do not make uncomfortable.

DO

cross the road.

walk on the other side.

be aware.

change your route.

change our route.

change ourselves.

 

I am sick.

When I get on the bus

Some days

From my seat and

through the window

I see women and

I think

She’s pretty.

 

Now I am trying to also think

she is not for my entertainment

prettiness is not an invitation

to make her uncomfortable.

 

And I try to be better.

I know there’s a long way ahead

but we can try

and you know what

we can

do this:

(hashtag)

ALL MEN

 

A-

men

 

 

The Beauty of Futility, and Vice Versa

I have spent a calendar year picking up other people's discarded shopping lists, photographing them, and then transcribing them verbatim.

When I started, I didn't quite know what the point of it would be, and I am happy to say that throughout the process I have learned nothing of any note. 

It is beautiful in its futility, and vice versa. 

And that, friends, is as close to a meaning of life as I think I'll ever get.