The human of the future

 Now that Brexit has finally been done and the population is being vaccinated at an unprecedented rate, we can look toward an exciting future. Every single one of us has had to adapt to a new way of working and living, the world having changed forever.

Boffins predict that by the time lockdown is finally lifted in the summer, humans will have gone through an accelerated evolution phase.

Because of the risk of transmitting viruses, nature will have given us special anti-bacterial fluid that oozes from our pores. This will be most notable on our hands, which will exude a special plasma coating.

Due to the prospect of airborne viruses, our noses and mouths will be a thing of the past. Instead, a single kazoo-shaped gill-like protuberance will be used for breathing, talking, and singing. This will feature a special one-way sphincter valve to protect ourselves and each other.

Our football stadiums will continue to be hotspots for infection, although horse racing meetings will still confer immunity. The traditional half-time pie will become obselete in favour of a special injection, which will engender those familiar sensations of savoury taste, congealed fat and ultimate self-loathing.

With the traditional Friday night clubbing now a distant memory, our hips are evolving into piston-like highly efficient machines; this will help tremendously with the new requirement to stand up, sit down, and walk between rooms occasionally each day at home. Because of the lack of loud chart music in our ears, they will shrink to the size of a mouse’s ear - as small as a grain of rice!

For those who have worked from home offices during the lockdown, there’s good news. You will evolve the opportunity to instantly give less of a toss than ever before. Allied to this is an imminent Deepfake-style Zoom plug-in, which will give the ability to freely disassociate from internimable meetings online whilst appearing to remain engaged, and you’ll be able to get on with more important business like eating pot noodle over the sink.

Keen masturbators will be perked up by the lower reproduction rate due to the lack of in-person dating. The price of Viagra is expected to plummet by 95%, making it more affordable than ever before to beat their record for joyless wanks-per-day.

Nature, however, is already fighting back by shrinking the size of testes, which will produce fewer sperm than ever before. Ironically, women’s tits will get bigger as the evolutionary arms race continues.

Genetic enhancement, cyborg systems and nanoparticles will continue to be just five years away from popular usage. Cloning technology, such as that used to keep a Keith Richards always in the system, will also reach high-street stores in the next half a decade.

Humans will also be able to instantly conjour up an online shopping list - due to chips in our brains! These lists will be delivered by flying drones, which will be fitted with special instant-substitution technology that replaces the ordered loaf of bread with a bunch of carrots and a pair of heelys.

In anticipation of the growing climate crisis, humans are already evolving to cope with huge changes in global weather patterns. Be it rising sea levels, massive storms, scorching heat or unseasonal hurricanes, humans will, post-pandemic, have developed a sense of mortality and emptiness at the pointlessness of even trying. Good old Mother Nature!