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https://ko-fi.com/joeshooman

Monday, 21 September 2026

Y2OK

Been wand’rin online and it’s toxic stuff.

There’s very little social ‘bout some of this guff

and it’s gettin’ worse, it’s hellish ruff

an I’m thinkin’ that I’ve had enuff.


But lyin’ there my eyes won’t shut

so I log in and check who’s up

and whirrin' weird, whose life is stuck

like mine, like yours, like all are fucked.


Posers and posters, cretins, cucks,

dingbats, ballbags, out-of-lucks,

wizards, witches, prayless Pucks

sharin' idiotic muck;


where half-dead heroes, hopeless drunks,

sticky-brained with ghastly gunk,

can learn the truth: The world blew up.

We died in the Millennium Bug.



Friday, 4 September 2026

The Saddest Word of All

The saddest word of all

describes the final living member

of a species.


This terrible little word

we invented to remember

the living dead;


the creature whose future

is to be forever lonely,

and nothing else.


The saddest word of all

we created, because we created

the endling.


Do you think they know

that it's goodnight when they die?

There's no peers


and no elders to lean on

when life becomes a messy danger?

Do they fear it?


Millions – trillions of years. Aeons

made the animal beautifully suited

to their place


to their space, to their species.

In a world that humans have spent a century

gleefully wrecking


in the name of expansion. The irony

is as cutting as the obnoxious moniker

is misnamed: ‘growth’.


Humans can do anything

and meld the world to our needs

crazy quick;


no other life on this planet

can even hope to keep pace

with the rampage.


But we explode things and dig holes and build

such shrines to the power of money:

at what cost?


What a world where such an idea exists.

Where our guilt preys on our minds

(as it should),


but all we are capable of doing

to assuage that nagging brain

is to coin new words.


So we write these poems about them,

mannered stanzas which weep drear, for endlings

make us sad.







Thursday, 3 September 2026

The NHS Is A Money Pit, Well...

The NHS is a money pit

Well so fucking what

so fucking what



The ROI isn't worth it

Well then, fuck off

fuck the fuck off



It belongs to us and we all pay in

cause healthier people are happier people

and if I don't get sick myself

I'm happy my investment helps somebody else



Cause I'm not a psychopath, see?

The world don't jump just for me

Even if it made a profit

I'd put it straight back into the coffers



The NHS is a money pit

Well so fucking what

so fucking what



It chomps its way through all the tax

And that's better than war

better than war



You ask why you should pay for strangers

but you don’t think it through enough.

Maybe that stranger puts out fires

or is the parent of your kid’s best mate



or gives lifts to teenagers out too late

and sees them safely home again

or fixes the crack on the iPhone screen

or writes the music that makes you spin



The NHS is a money pit

Well so fucking what

so fucking what



And for the days I’ve got left to live

they can have what they want

cause I ain’t a cunt.








Sunday, 30 August 2026

Interesting Times

This timeline we’ve stumbled into is extraordinary.

Who was it set the parameters as weird as can be?

It’s a curse, not a blessing, when you read the signs:

Damned to try and live in these 'interesting times'.

World-Building

I woke up today convinced that it was important to list a load of poetry characters I've written/invented. This is probably not all of them but it's a good chunk. I don't know why either. Soz. 


___


The FBI


Commander Lieutenant Pickles ‘Sniper’ McGhee


^ ^ ^ ^

Pumpernickel Justice / Agamemnon Tailpipe /  Celeriac Mahatma / Aguilera Fud


__


BADDIES


Double-Cut McKenna (Demon Cowboy Ghost)


‘Diamond’ Zeke (Professional Gambler)


The Wind God


Billy Bubblebath (Circus Owner)


Johnnie, the Happy Idiot


Glum King Leopold


Seagulls


International Hitman (2019)


Fink Macropolis


The Evil Kiladon


The Sticky Man


The Devil


David Lord Breakfast


Randall, the Tycoon


The Businessman


Hemingway


The Ket-hole Jester


Lucifer


God


Fascists


Trillionaires


Billionaires


The Great Clown Pagiluci


the anticulturalist


Kerouac and the Beats


Second-Prize Steve


Wrong Way Bigfoot


Working Class Tories



__


GOODIES


John The Woodcutter


The Wind God’s Daughter


Granddad Pat, The Travelling Man


Betty Bailey


Coal, the Mongrel


PiePie the Magpie


Guiseppe Terromoto


Jurgen, the Hoover


Supreme Man of Justice


Jesus


SYM-R-3


A Talking Flea


Spidge and Spodge (Cats)


Jeeeeeves


Iesu


Papa Boulanger


The Villagers


Gringo


A Beautiful 6ft2 German Girl, Possibly Trans


Esmarelda Evans


Jacarinda Slater


__



LOST SOULS

The Oaf


Maude


Robert Stanley Raney


Jones


Carlton Wuck


Luckton Carr


A Girl


Oedipus


Castor Dog


Charlie Fall-A-Lot


Johnny Alone


Gordon


She


The Glorious Widow Albertini


God


Nobody


The Impresario Barry Smalls


Chappy, the Octopunk


Lucifer


The Man With the Bubble-Wrap Skin


Sunday League Legend


Eugene


Mary-Lou


Singleton Dalia


Jerky Spider


Joe


__




LOCATIONS/TIMES


Pax Robotica


Winceworld


River Big Big


Vintage Food Cafe


The Despair Shop


Nantporth


Treborth


Golgotha


Rot Away Beach


A Garbage Alley


A Garbagey Alley Behind the Launderette


Restaurant Bins


One Day in July


Yr Wladfa


Some Buses in Shropshire


Down in the Catacombs


This Forgotten Spot


... and so on


Wednesday, 26 August 2026

Mary of Llanerchymedd

There’s a fish carved on a stone

and the stone’s in a museum

near a well supposed holy

where Mary’s (maybe) buried


though the well’s overgrown

it’s said Saint Augustine

came to visit Ynys Mon,

to this place extraordinary.


There’s an M carved on that stone

which is now in the museum

and the legend says it must be

the Christian name of Mary


escaped clutches of Rome

(or some such diarrhoea).

I guess we all fall for baloney

when there’s sod all on the telly.



Thursday, 20 August 2026

The Difference Between Atheism and Agnosticism

1.

The more and more people we lose

the more I am drawn to one word;

Three letters, now surely suffused

with a light and a magic conferred


From a place where our deep love accrues

in parts of our hearts, which aver

A truthful and delicate blues,

and a suffix I once found absurd.


2.

When I formerly considered heaven

I was dogmatic in my position:

There’s no evidence for such a place

beyond pain, full of wonder and grace.


Though I’ve still got no time for religion

I have started to see my omission:

As I struggle to make sense of death

now I hope: There’s no evidence -


- yet.