Glossary

 Several years ago, a friend was putting together a Men's Guide to Men, which would have had different people writing various chapters on men, masculinity, the world and the whole kaboodle.

Unfortunately it never surfaced, but here's the work-in-progress glossary I was writing for it.

Glossarificatory wordingages for easiliciousness of definitication

Bechdel Test: Alison Bechdel’s assertation that to pass the test a movie must have: Two female characters, who have at least one conversation about something that does not involve a man. Which is very sadly rarer than you’d think. Try it. Not to be confused with: Bechamel Test, which gauges your ability to make a basic white sauce.

Bisexual: Greedy bastard.

Body Positivity: As the saying goes: How to have a beach body: 1. Have a body. 2. Go to the beach.

Career Woman: A person with a job.

Catcalling: GOOD Version: “Come in, Tiddles, your dinner is ready. Tiddles? Tiddles? FUCKING HELL TIDDLES COME IN IT’S FREEZING oh there you are sorry I’ve had a long day oh thank you yes a dead baby rat, just what I wanted. Oh my apologies. It’s only half-dead. Even better.” BAD Version: “Whit whoo, whoa you don’t get many tits to the melon on that one”; “Smile, love, it may never happen”; “Show us your lower intestinal tract, phwoar wot a scorcha”; et cetera. Fun fact: Since the dawn of the human race, no bloke has ever pulled by shouting at any passing woman.

Chemsex: Scientists are currently working on a way to introduce rock n’ roll into this neologism and expect to achieve first draft results sometime in 2023.

Cis: The genetic fluke that one’s gender identity is the same as one’s visible bits. Apparently, this is important to some people. Dubious fact: the Gallagher brothers named their band after a conversation: Who’s that over there? Fookin dunno Noel. Oh, a cis. Ave it!!!

Feminazi: A term used by not-very-bright people on social media to avoid having to engage in an actual discussion.

Feminism: NOT this: “Oh right, you’ve got a willy.” “Yeah. Have you?” “No.” “Oh ok then I’m in charge.” But THIS: “Oh right, you’ve got a willy.” “Yeah. Have you?” “No.” “Well it’s not important anyway.” “No, it’s not.” “Let’s put whoever’s best suited to this job/opportunity/social position forward.” “This is a strange conversation.” “Yes.” (There is a third conversation: “Oh right, you’ve got a willy.” “Yeah. But my gender identity does not.” “Oh fuck. What do we do now?”)

Fuck: The greatest word in the English language - almost infinitely flexible, e.g. “Fucking hell, that fucking fucker fucked that fucking fucker right up. Fuck me, seen the fucking state on the fucker? That is one big fucking puddle of fuck right there.” “Yes, your Majesty, quite so.”

Genderfluidity: A surefire way to irritate the likes of Piers Morgan by making them feel funny inside because they can’t cope with more than one idea at once.

Glass Ceiling, the: The limit of promotion possibility for a person who doesn’t have a cock. Obviously unacceptable. Let’s reclaim it as a joke; as the great comedian Steven Wright said: “I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.”

Heteronormative: The idea that Straightness is the Only Fruit. From the famous Hallmark card text: Roses are red, gender is performative; Society is horribly heteronormative.

HOMO: Ostensibly a slur from the terribly unenlightened males who are, in fact, subconsciously expressing a cry for help, i.e. a Hatred of Missing Out. (On cock).

Homosexual: A person attracted to the same gender. Also none of your business. But whatever. Not to be confused with: Fomosexual, one that takes every opportunity to do a sex just in case.

Homo Erectus: Proof that evolutionary biologists have a sense of humour.

Homo Sapiens: As the old song goes - “You and me, me and you. Lots and lots for us to do. Lots and lots of long-standing inequalities within a failing capitalist society to overturn and replace with a loving and just educated focus on sustainable, creative, inclusive culture-led progression through respect for each other and the planet. Me and you, you and me.”

Incel: An acronym for I’m No Catch Either, Love.

Intersectionality: The difficult idea that the world is not divided into us and them, black and white, sponge and stone, tea or coffee. Further, that the experience of each individual is more complex and nuanced than one single piece of data can ever explain. Not just a useful tool to consider many social factors, but a boon for the creators of Venn diagrams worldwide.

LGBTQIA: Ooh! I know this, hang on. Right. *cough* ok… Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Intersex, Asexual, Rudolph, Dancer, Prancer, Ringo, Sneezy, Sleepy, Dibble and Grubb.

Male Gaze: Look, lads, women are beautiful and us boring straighties and bi-pies all want to probably do some things with them that may or may not include: slap and tickle, kissy-fanny, booby-wooby-tickly-touchy, willy-wetty and Bert and Ernie. What isn’t so good is broadcasting this out with our eyes at them in the street when they walk toward us. Seriously. It’s freaky and it’s obvious. And we can all try harder to be more respectful. But it’s also an endemic and rather foul ingrained societal pressure – that women must adhere to an ever-changing, never-attainable, and overwhelmingly male, version of what ‘beauty’ and ‘desirability’ are. Not so easy to change. But we can do it. We must. Who’s with me? Although, yes, Pamela Anderson does have big… ideas on equality. Not to be confused with: Male Gays. A great bunch of lads.

Man: A person.

Mansplaining: This glossary. Sorry.

Manspreading: An open invitation to a swift punch in the ballsack.

Misandry: A dubious concept invented by PornBros and so-called Mens’ Rights activists to cover up the fact that they can’t get a shag. A modern version of: “How did you get on with that girl at the bar?” “Pah. She must be another misandrist lesbian.” “Yes. You talk to lots of man-hating lesbians don’t you.”

Misogyny: Let’s just talk about the concept of ‘other’ for a minute. See those people over there? They’re not going to hurt you. Really. They may not look the same. They may not – gasp - have the same dangly bits. This makes absolutely no difference to your life. So shut the fuck up and stop trying to blame other people for your own bullshit inadequacies. Clear your mind, young Padawan, and be humble. Also, you will never get your willy wet if you keep putting other people down like that.

Mispiggy: The irrational hatred of porcine puppets.

Negging: Necking when you’ve got a blocked nose.

Nonbinary: As the old joke goes: There are two kinds of people in this world: people who understand the concept of ‘nonbinary’ and accept it, and fucking absolute wastes of protoplasm who ought to have a good long look at themselves. LOL!!!!!!!

#Notallmen: Yes, obviously not all men, you cretinous, triggered tosspot. But it is some men and being aware of some men’s unacceptable actions is a good start in how to not become one of some men that are shit as fuck.

Patriarchy: The concept that having a penis ensures authority over those who do not. This system, ironically, is responsible for fucking up, irreparably, things like: the human race, the planet, the ecosystem, etc. Not to be confused with: Postman Patriarchy, which dictates that big-nosed posties with black cats and trundly red vans are in charge.

Political Correctness: An outdated expression that once meant trying not to use hate speech. Has been replaced by the meaningless alternative It’s Political Correctness Gone Mad.

Pornography: Men wrestle with themselves about porn. And men love to wrestle with themselves. It’s not that porn can’t be feminist; it’s just fucking, really, isn’t it. Without which most of us wouldn’t be here at all. But there are some tricky positions too. Pun intended. Of course, consent is paramount but there’s also a massive, massive, brain-bursting host of contexts that make it a tricky one to come to a conclusion about. I mean, we suspend our disbelief when we watch a movie, read a book, go to a play or whatever. So, in theory, a performance of sexy sex should be the same. It’s not, though, because overwhelmingly porn replaces actual sex education with unrealistic and dangerous expectations, and boundaries are not just blurred but rubbed out entirely. People get hurt making it, and the Internet spurts it out all into people’s faces and brains, which denies contextualisation. Wanking’s great. But not when other people are destroyed mentally and/or physically for a quick spunk. Aye, not an easy one is it. Not to be confused with: Quornography, in which people get off by watching each other eat meat-replacement products.

Sex: Time for an update to the old Birds and the Bees explanation, so, when little Angel/a asks: “What is sex?” we can now reply: “When a woman and a man or a woman and a woman or a man and a man or an intersex person and an intersex person and any combination of any of these and any other designations that any person identifies with at any time and in any quantities as long as anyone consents, love each other very much, they have a special kiss with their whole bodies and it makes them feel nice and close to each other, unless it’s just a quick faceless fuck and that’s awesome too.” “But daddy I just asked what the number after five was.” “Ah.”

She’s Not Gonna Shag You, Mate: Twitter code for “I’m not getting any sex, have no sense of humour of my own and in a few months will be posting pictures of Pokemon with the faces of Star Trek characters or whatever the next bandwagon bullshit meme is.”

Slut-shaming: Here are some words: Flaunts. Curves. Promiscuous. Brazen. Cleavage. Legs. Beach Body. Ample. Assets. Toned. Sleek. Skimpy. Bikini. Petite. Figure. Thong. Romp. Sex. Lover. Put them together in various ways and - hey presto! You’re working for the Daily Mail Online.

Soy Boy: Spanish for ‘I am a boy’.

TERF: Trans-exclusionary radical feminist/ism. Specially invented to give Graham Linehan palpitations about what constitutes a ‘real’ woman, and therefore sully forever the memory of the wonderful Father Ted.

Toxic Masculinity: Basically, if one continues to attack others for their lack of penises, one will eventually choke on it. The idea that there is a traditional gender role for men that must be adhered to and every non-conforming bloke is Walter the Softy. That it is the role of men to look after the helpless ladies and to be all brave and bald like Jason Statham and do punchies and big shooty gunblasts. That women’s lives are made of kittens, flowers and pwetty wickle dwesses and pwincesses, emotions, expressiveness etc. Beer for the boys, and Babycham for the ladies, whose poo comes out in little perfumed bags.

Transgender: Someone whose external bits didn’t match their internal self, so may or may not have had gender confirmation surgery to correct this oversight. Not to be confused with: Transformers, which are robots in disguise.

Unsolicited Dick Pics: A great name for a punk band. A terrible idea in any other context.

Woman: A person.