Deity Hotline (2020)

HELPLINE OF THE GODS

FX: Ringing phone

THOR (picks up phone and speaks): Hello, this is the Deity IT Hotline. Thor speaking…

FX: Enormous crashing thunderbolt

THOR: …how may I assist you today?

GOD: Ah yes, hello hello. I seem to be having issues with my unit.

THOR: I see. And to whom am I speaking?

GOD: It’s God.

FX: Celestial choirs, heavenly music etc. Harps n that.

THOR: Thank you Sir.

GOD: Sorry, sorry, um, to interrupt, but I’m not sure I’m a Sir.

THOR (aghast): Oh I am so sorry; which pronoun do you use?

GOD: Well. Technically… all of them. Or none. I’m not sure. Probably safest to stick to just… God.

FX: Celestial choirs, heavenly music etc. Harps n that.

GOD: I do go by the name of Heavenly Father, I guess. Sort of a stage name really.

THOR: That’s fine… God. (FX: choirs etc) Lovely name. Now, if you can describe the issue?

GOD: I think I’ve got a virus.

THOR: Oh dear. Well, no problem, can you talk me through it?

GOD: It’s a bit embarrassing really. I overclocked my seasonal sneezypop and it’s gone a bit haywire.

THOR: And this is in which domain?

GOD: Domain? Um… How do I tell?

THOR: Are there little creatures in it?

GOD: Um… let me look… Oh My Me, yes, there’s loads of them. All different colours, running around making a mess.

FX: SCREAMS FROM EARTHLINGS AS GOD MANIFESTS.

GOD: Oh, rats. I think they’ve seen Me. Me Almighty. I really didn’t want that to happen. Believe Me. Last time I had to send My lad to sort them out and that ended in tears, I can tell you. Gah. He isn’t going to be best pleased at going through all that again.

THOR: I’ll put ‘Earthly’ for now. Earthly Domain. Now, Have you tried… twatting the unit with a Mighty Hammer?

GOD (sotto voce): Oh again with the fucking hammer. (To THOR): Er. No, I don’t have one of those. (sotto voce): talk about overcompensating.

THOR: Can you not manifest one?

GOD: Oh Me. I did that in the Eighties. Ended up creating Timmy Mallet. Not my best moment. All zany, with terrible loud neon shirts. Went round clonking kids on the head he did. And they lapped it up! My son wept!

THOR: I thought that was your doing. I said to Loki. I said: “see that Timmy Mallet. That’s Classic God” (FX of God etc).

GOD (a bit Basil Fawlty): Well. Quite. Look. I’m a bit pressed for time here. Is there anything you can suggest? I’m supposed to be in Australia appearing in a piece of toast.

THOR: Hmm. I see from your records that last time you had an issue you sent a big flood.

GOD: Did that earlier this year. Nothing.

THOR: Plague of locusts? Seven years of drought?

GOD: Hmm. Do you have anything less… Biblical? It’s doing my head in. I can’t get any sense out of this thing.

THOR: Can I take you through some security questions before we proceed?

GOD: Oh for fu… yes. OK. Fine.

THOR: Mother’s Maiden name?

GOD: Oh. None. I mean. My son, who is also me, his ma’s called Mary, although she was technically impregnated by the Holy Spirit, which is also me, so… um.

THOR: Mary is what I have here. And the first and one thousandth number of pi?

GOD: um… it’s three… and eight.

THOR: Thank you. You’ve passed security. Now then. Have you tried turning it off and on again? It should clear the cache. Like you did with the dinosaurs. Good job that. I said to Loki, “That’s a first class moment. Textbook God” (FX: GOD ETC).

GOD: Holy mother of Me.

THOR: How about a nice pestilence? That should do it.

GOD: Oh of course! I never thought of that, or always have known. Thanks, Mr. Thor. (FX: THUNDERBOLT). I’ve got this Covid thing lying around here. That ought to do it. Right, must go. I’m late for an appearance in Richard Dawkins’ dreams, just to fuck with him.

THOR: It’s my pleasure. In the next day or two, you will receive an email evaluation about this call, if you could fill that in. Is there anything else I can assist with?

GOD: No, that’s fine. I’ve sent the Covid down now so fingers crossed.

THOR: Do you even have fingers?

GOD: I really have never thought about it. Or I’ve always thought about it. It gets confusing, this omnipotence. Did I even create you? I can’t remember these days. I really must get an assistant. Or a Pope or something.

THOR: Maybe a Mighty Hammer?

FX: PHONE SLAMMED DOWN. DIALING TONE.

THOR: Hello? Hello? Are you there? Hello? (Fading out) He’s gone. Nice fella. Bit odd. Takes all sorts I spose. Are you there? Hello? No. (etc)

END

(A lockdown piece rejected by the radio. Oh well.)