Funeral Plans

 This one was written for, and rejected by, a Radio One show. 

FUNERAL PLANS

INTRO: It’s inevitable that all our lives will eventually come to an end. Increasingly, people are looking at their own final arrangements to ease the burden on the loved ones they leave behind. Fortunately, there are many more options these days…

FX: A BEACH. SEAGULLS, WAVES. DISTANT SOUNDS OF KIDS LAUGHING. FOOTSTEPS OF TWO PEOPLE ON SAND.

DAUGHTER: It was Dad who said he wanted to talk about dying. I said, “Daaaad, we aren’t anywhere near that yet.” And he said:

DAD: Tell you what, love, nobody is going to be here forever. But I don’t want a big fuss or a funeral. Just something simple.

FX: TYPING ON A KEYBOARD, INTERNET BLEEPY SOUNDS.

DAUGHTER: So we researched funeral specialists online. Even the ones with no funeral director and who promised no fuss seemed really expensive. Then I had a great idea.

GRAMS: JAUNTY BRASS BAND MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND

FX: BEACH AS BEFORE. DOGS HAPPILY BARKING ETC

DAUGHTER: I wanted more time to enjoy the good things in life, so the next time we went to the beach, I pushed the fucker off a cliff.

FX: SLIGHT SCUFFLE ENDS WITH SURPRISED OLD MAN SHOUTING ‘NOOOOOOO’, SOUND GETTING QUIETER AND FURTHER AWAY

FX: SPLOSH

FX: SEAGULLS, BEACH SOUNDS, ONE SET OF FOOTSTEPS WALKING AWAY

VOICEOVER: Say goodbye your own way at pushtheoldfuckerinthesea.com . Way cheaper than arsing about with funerals. Cause what does he care? - he’s dead.

END