Panic - a Poem (2013)

 

Panic:

A poem in

• actions

and speech

• If there is a programme or pamphlet, the print version of the poem should include be a Red X to indicate a missing jpeg, under which is written (name of performer): the author; the text should be a dark and unreadable printing error of palimspestic unrelated texts manipulated to be unreadable or a note that says: ‘Poem unavailable at time of going to press.’

• Drink lots of caffeine energy drinks and coffee about an hour before the scheduled performance. Amphetamines are probably going to induce too much confidence here. Coke is obviously a no-no. It’s adrenaline that’s needed: an excess thereof.

• Arrive exactly two minutes late. Get the bus that is not sure to get there on time. Don’t wear a watch.

• Wear lots, and lots, of layers of very warm clothes to induce a nice sweat.

• Podium. It’s not going anywhere. Approach it trepidly.

• Fiddle with the mic. Unplug it. Make it make horrible noises through the speakers. Try and get it to feed back. Eventually someone with proper skills will help get it working properly. Take a few coughs, one-twos, etc,

Can you hear me?

Hi. Um. One Two. Three.

OK hopefully

No more gremlins can attack.

Hello. I am (the performer) and this is my poem, Panic.

• Click on ppt. Nothing happens.

• Ask IT person to re-boot.

• PPT will come up with a frozen first page of the poem – an intriguing picture of the performer in action/posed in front of mountains/looking poet-y.

• But nothing happens. Smallish shrug – not a huge problem, but not going to plan so far.

Looks like we might have to do this

Old Skool, if

That’s not behaving

Today.

There’s a reason

We had paper for so long

Or papyrus or whatever.

No problem;

Hang on.

• Look in back pocket. Pull out what looks like a poem.

• Prepare to read. It’s a shopping list. Discard this.

• Look in bag. Pull everything out.

• Pause as much as possible.

• Smile at audience.

• Discard all non-poem-related papers, condoms, cans of generic energy drinks, pornography, tampons. Strew these around the room with increasing worry.

• Make sure there are some snotty tissues there.

• Look through exercise book full of notes. Find no sign of the poem. Rip pages out and throw them across the room.

I think… maybe I can…

• Get pen and paper.

• Smile at audience, nervously.

• Breathe fast.

• Take minutes to try and remember any lines of a poem.

OK it’s an approximation but…

• Look at audience.

• Take deep breaths.

• Almost begin to talk.

• Instead, pull out mobile phone

• Dial a number

I’ve got an idea, bear with me

• No reply.

• Send a text.

• Look at it. It’s got no signal / battery.

• Remove battery

• Take the sim card out and lick it.

Has anyone got a phone

That actually works

That actually has the Internet on it?

Not like this piece of cheap

Fucking

Shit.

• Launch own phone onto floor. Hopefully, it will smash.

• If someone does offer their phone after this, try and make it make stupid noises. Press lots of buttons. Disconnect it.

• Turn it off.

• Have a brainwave. Find a pen drive.

• Insert it into computer to project

• It will autoplay some kind of unsavoury movie.

• Rush to turn it off

• Leave.

• Go home on the bus.

• The reading will continue.

• When you get home put the kettle on.

• As the water bubbles and boils, start to come down and calm down.

• Phone up an accomplice who will put their own phone to the microphone.

Can someone please

Bring me my keys?

End