ANYWAY here's one that didn't quite make it. I quite like it, nonetheless.
Bugs Bonnie
Hi folks! Former child star Bonnie Langford here – you might
know me as an accomplished dancer, perky Doctor Who assistant and Broadway
star, whose spirit and optimism has been crushed brutally since I became a
regular cast member of the notorious pit of despond and anguish, EastEnders!
I’m also a massive fan of insects, viruses and tiny creatures. And judging by
the size of my postbag, you guys are bug crazy too! So “bee-hive” yourselves,
“wasp” are you waiting for? Let’s talk bugs! “Aphid” you’ll like it!
Bonnie xxx
Dear Bonnie,
I went into a shop yesterday and asked for a Bugg single.
Imagine my surprise when the assistant wrapped up an individual insect of the
order Hemiptera. I’d been expecting a record by Jake Bugg, the singer, but I’d
walked into the pet shop by mistake! Mind you, it sounded better on the stereo
anyway.
Aldous Crisip, Holyhead
Hi Bonnie,
I was laid low by a nasty bug the other day – I lost a
boxing match to an ant.
Iron Mike Dildo, Aberdeen
Yo Bonnie,
I was shocked to find a wasp crawling on me this morning.
Then I realised I was married to Blackie Lawless, the singer of 1980s cock rock
band W.A.S.P. and we were having fully consensual sex.
Irene Lawless, New Joinery
Hi Bonnie,
I was shocked when my wife told me to “Hurry up, eat shit
and die” this morning. Then I remembered – I am a dung beetle, I work as a
colourist at a hair salon (where ‘dye’ is spelt differently), and I needed to
eat my breakfast – a ball of faeces – because I was late.
Balsam Termagant, West Hat
Dear Bonnie
I got into a mix-up the other day when my husband said he
was off to watch the cricket. I later found him in the garden lying face down
and staring at a chirping insect of the family Gryllidae. I laughed so much I
ruptured my spleen!
Brangelina Amadeus, Reading-on-Cock
Hi Bonnie,
It was a huge shock to me to find Ant and Dec had visited –
until I realised that I lived on a houseboat and a member of the family
Formicidae was crawling on the wooden boards that make up the floor. It was
that kind of ‘ant on deck’!
Throatette Sump, High-On-Life
Hi Bonnie
I was laid low by a nasty bug the other day – I’d contracted
a dose of gonorrhoea!
Glenys Bunt, Frampton-comes-Alive
Dear Bonnie,
I’m such a ninny! When I was out shopping, I thought I’d
pick up a tiny, living treat for my lizard – just the one, though, because he’s
a chubby little thing. Imagine my surprise when the shop assistant handed over
a 7” vinyl record called ‘Lightning Bolt.’ Instead of a single bug, I had asked
for a (Jake) Bugg single - I’d walked into HMV by mistake!
Aldous Crisip, Holyhead
Dear Bonnie,
My husband is a keen observer of the summer game involving
bats, balls, overs and people dressed in white. I, however, prefer to utilise
the stumps as a sexual aid. You could say that whilst he likes watching the
cricket, I prefer crotching the wicket!
We’re getting a divorce because we’re fundamentally incompatible.
Brangelina Amadeus, Reading-on-Cock
Dear Bonnie
A beetle just came into the house and sat on the telephone.
You could say that my phone had been “bugged!” It was doubly ironic as both me
and my partner are double agents working for Russia and the United States of
America as undercover spies, and inevitably our communications are being
monitored by several countries.
Justin and Madonna Assminge, Venezuela
Hi Bonnie,
My mother’s sister is called Ann and she really isn’t a fan
of insects from the family Formicidae. I call her my anti-ant Auntie Ann! She
rarely laughs as I’m 43 years old and ought to have grown out of it by now.
Caligula Flagon, Brinyvadge-under-Fish
Yo Bonnie,
I got into a bit of a mix-up last week when I covered the
floor with flea powder. I had to giggle when I realised I was roadie for Red
Hot Chilli Peppers and I’d accidentally poisoned their funksome bassist to
death.
Swarfega Rockbile, Jonestown
Dear Bonnie
Why is it that when a grasshopper sheds its skin it’s
considered a miracle of nature, and yet when I take my clothes off in the
women’s changing rooms in Debenhams I get sent down for indecent exposure? As
usual it’s one rule for Orthoptera (sub-order Caelifera) and another for the
rest of us.
Brian Vapid, HMP Wrexham
Kids say the funniest
things… about bugs
“I’ve found a bug in my programme,” declared my grandson,
Bill, the other day. Oh how I laughed when he brandished an FA Cup Final
Matchday Magazine with a cockroach crawling over it, rather than having to
rewrite lines of computer code to ensure that the whole thing didn’t crash,
losing hours of work because of a fucking blue fucking screen at the worst
possible fucking time.
Edna Gates, Los Lobos
“I’ve found a bug in my programme,” declared my grandson,
Mark, the other day. Oh how I laughed when he got down to rewrite lines of
computer code that had exposed the data of a billion people including bank
details, address and name of first pet to the world. I’d thought he’d found a
cockroach in his FA Cup Final Matchday Magazine! Oh my days, what a palaver!
Edna Zuckerberg, Silicon Valley
My grandson Gregor made me smile yesterday. “Gran,
something’s been bugging me all night,” he said. It turned out that instead of
having something on his mind nagging at him, he’d been turned into a giant
insect in a potent allegory of racism, control, capitalism and the perception
of self! What a twat.
Mabel Samsa, Kafka-on-Sea
I had to apologise to my young nephew on his birthday – he’s
a keen fan of the 1980s middle-class cod-reggae band The Police, and in
particular the band’s bassist. But instead of buying him tickets to see his
favourite in concert, I accidentally embroiled him in a deceptive police
operation to lure him into committing a crime. I’d got him the wrong kind of
Sting! He got 20 years, 10 suspended for good behaviour with 18 months knocked
off for time served and I am under constant police surveillance in case of
retribution.
Ida Bastard, Wobbleboard
“Come quick,” cried my daughter Emily one hot summer day,
“The bees are buzzing in the garden!” I thought that was odd, as I do not have
an apiary. Imagine my surprise when I remembered that I was in charge of the
Glastonbury festival, and the band The Bees were on top form on the Pyramid
stage (Which is technically in my garden as it is on my farmland).
M. Eavis, Gastronomy
Your Bug Jokes About
Bands
Send us your best bug
jokes about bands – and win £5 worth of insects!
What is a bug’s favourite band?
The Beetles! (The Beatles)
Atrophy Rampant, Lagerville
What is another bug’s favourite band?
The Crickets! (Buddy Holly and The Crickets)
Atrophy Rampant, Lagerville
What is a third bug’s favourite band?
Adam and the Ants!
Atrophy Rampant, Lagerville
Where do punky musical bugs live?
In Hives!! (The Hives)
Atrophy Rampant, Lagerville
What do you call a facility for raising insects of the
family Formicidae, if it is ran by beings from another world?
An Alien Ant Farm!
Atrophy Rampant, Lagerville
What do you call a band of singing horses that can fly and
go buzz?
The Bee Gees!
Atrophy Rampant, Lagerville
What do you call a 1980s metal band that is technically an
arachnid and can do a venomous stang?
The Scorpions!
Atrophy Rampant, Lagerville
What do you call a tiny flying insect that stinks of piss?
Midge Urine! (Midge Ure)
Atrophy Rampant, Lagerville
Mick’s Ticks
Awright me old
gardens, Danny Forest Fire ere. It really does my nut in when slags tawk a
loada pony abaht yer auld apples n hugs. Sah let’s correct summa them urban
smiffs.
URBAN SMIFF: A flea can jump 20 metres.
MICK SAYS: You’re avin a bubbwe ain’tcha? It’s more wike 13
inches orizontally an 7 inches apples an spurtically. Wot rock did they find
you undah? TICK FACTOR: 2 outa 5
URBAN SMIFF: Earwigs crawl into your ears when you’re asleep
and eat your brain.
MICK SAYS: Do me a favour! They dahn’t even wike bwains!
Mind you, there’s a few punters in the Queen Vic where I do wonder, I weally
do. TICK FACTOR: 1 outa 5
URBAN SMIFF: The average person eats seven spiders per year.
MICK SAYS: Do ya fink I came dahn on the last boat? Not even
remotely apples an blue. TICK FACTOR: 0 outa 5
URBAN SMIFF: Cockroaches are the only animals who could
survive a nuclear holocaust.
MICK SAYS: Blimey O’Reilly, if I had a bag of sand evewy
time I’d eard this. Look, I ain’t sayin they carn’t, but I ain’t saying they
will neiva. It depends ow much apples an fadiation there is, see? TICK FACTOR:
3 outa 5
URBAN SMIFF: Most figs contain the remains of dead wasps.
MICK SAYS: On my life this is true! Yer apples an crosp lays
its eggs in a fig, see, but it loses its apples an stings in the process so
carn’t fly aht again so it gets its arris stuck. Cah, that’s proper sorry
innit. TICK FACTOR: 5 outa 5
Bug Sex Chat
Uncensored BILF chat – 0200 464 799
My Th*rax Is Vibr*ting – 0200 464 795
Real M*m-S*n Illegal Insect Action – 0200 464 798
I’m Pupat*ng For You – 0200 464 797
I’m in My Nymph St*ge – 0200 464 794
I’ve milli-peed my p*nts, sniff them – 0200 467 522
It’s Swarm In Here, Help Me t*ke Off My Clothes – 0200 464
793
Ringo’s Train Talk – 0200 464 792
No comments:
Post a Comment