Twenty Things you didn't know about Keir

I submitted this one a bit too late.

He’s the dashing, suave leader of the opposition. Famous for his intro song, “He’s here, he’s Keir, get used to it”, Sir Kier Starmer has melted hearts even as he takes the government of the day to task. But there’s more to this dapper gentleman than a sharp suit and a quiff – as we present 20 Things You Didn’t Know About Keir Starmer.

Canny Keir bought the rights to the word ‘forensic’ in 1987 – and gets a 5p royalty every time it is mentioned in articles about him. This year alone he’s made a cool £1.2 Million!

They may be fierce rivals across the ballot box, but Sir Kier and straw-haired comedy scarecrow shagbot Boris Johnson actually have an ancestor in common – Australopithecus, a genus of hominins that existed in Africa about 4 million years ago!

The right honouable Keir has had many high-profile jobs before becoming Labour Leader, including Queen’s Counsel, Director of Public Prosecutions, Head of the Crown Prosecution Service and original model for Mr. Whippy.

Sir Keir couldn’t have wished for a more apt constituency. As a big fan of weirdly blood-tasting tobacco, a lover of canonised holy people and an enthusiast of the digestive system he won his dream job in 2015 with a majority of 27,763… as member of parliament for (Old) Holborn and St. Pancr(e)as!

Had things gone slightly differently, you’d have seen Keir Starmer starring up front for his heroes, Arsenal Football Club. Unluckily, Keir was too shit at footy to get anywhere near being signed.

We know him as Sir Keir, prince of our hearts, but his full name is Keir Rodney Granddad Del-Boy Uncle Albert Starmer – his parents Mabel and Alf were huge fans of Only Fools and Horses.

Ironically, an anagram of the centre-left chief Labourite’s name is ‘Meek red irony tsar’.

With one R left over.

Which you could use to make ‘Mr. Satire Keir’

And if you had an extra ‘I’ he could be ‘Reiki Master’

One of his many business ventures is a building specialist, Keir’s tarmac. The company got the job for the resurfacing of the HS2 high-speed additional motorway runway across to Ireland and is now worth $36 billion.

Sir Keir was born on 2 September 1962 and has a starsign of Virgo. According to the Zodiac, this means he is determined, self-disciplined, analytical, allergicked to fudge, a perfectionist, opinionated and able to jump as high as a two-storey house.

Other famous Virgos include the late Kobe Bryant, the late Michael Jackson, the late Amy Winehouse the mediocre Keanu Reeves, John, the generously proportioned Salma Hayek and the late River Phoenix.

River was considered one of the most promising actors of his generation but died at just 23 outside The Viper Room in Hollywood, from a drug overdose.

His given name was River Jude Bottom.

Famous movies of his include the seminal My Own Private Idaho, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, The Mosquito Coast and Dark Blood, which was filmed in 1993 but not released until 2012.

He is the brother of Joaquin Phoenix, whose portrayal of Johnny Cash in Walk the Line was considered a masterclass in acting, and for which he received a nomination for Best Actor from the Academy Awards committee.

The Academy Awards is better known as The Oscars, although the iconic statuette’s nickname is hotly disputed. Margaret Herrick was the secretary of the Academy in 1931 and is reputed to have said it reminded her of her Uncle, Oscar Pierce.

Alternatively, it may have been named after Bette Davis’ husband, band leader Harmon Oscar Nelson, in 1941.

Although they share a last name and a love of music, Harmon is no relation to Prince Rogers Nelson, who tragically died in 2016, supposedly leaving a vault of thousands of unreleased songs at his studio compound, Paisley Park.