Meghan’s Trainers
Howdy pals, perky American popstrel Meghan Trainer
here! You might know me from chart
topping hits like All About That Bass and, um, well, some other stuff. But did
you know that I was mad about trainers? Judging by my bulging postbag so are
you readers! Your ‘Lips Are Movin’ so let’s get to it... No trouble! Or
possibly No Treble! Whatever it is I sing!
Meghan xxx
Letters
Dear Meghan,
Can you settle a bet please? My friend maintains that it is
pronounced ‘adidas’ whilst I am convinced it is actually pronounced ‘adidas.’
But which of us is right? The winner gets to slit the throat of the other’s
first-born son.
Quentin Cashpot, Biggles-On-Sea
MEG SEZ: I’m afraid that the general pronunciation is
‘adidas’ so your friend is right. I hope he has a sharp knife!
Dear Meghan,
I hope you can sort
this one out! I say that the trainer company Nike is pronounced ‘nike’ whilst
my sister is adamant that it’s ‘nike.’ Whoever is correct will win the right to
inject the other with a deadly cocktail of nerve-destroying toxins.
Sarah McWhistle, Bognor
MEG SEZ: You’d both get the syringes ready... because you
are both correct! It can be pronounced either way!
Trainer facts
The tiniest pair of trainers of all time were made for
world’s smallest man, Calvin Phillips. They were constructed from some Action
Man boots that had been melted down with a magnifying glass in order to fit,
but were destroyed the same day when Calvin trod in all mouse shit and his mum
made him leave them outside the door of his dolls’ house... where the world’s
smallest slugs got in to the soles and left the world’s smallest minging pus
trails!
Ask a shop assistant for ‘trainers’ in the United States and
they’ll tell you to, “Go fuck yaself you goddamn stoopid limey asshole
motherfucker.” That’s because over there they’re called ‘sneakers!’
And ‘pavements’ are called ‘sidewalks.’
The world’s most expensive pair of trainers were created by
rapper Puffy Diddly Doo, or whatever the fuck he calls himself these days, and
they were made out of two enormous Ko-Ih-Noor Diamonds, with pure gold laces
and solid silver chewing gum stuck on the bottom. They were bought by Kanye
West for his son, Southport Pontins West, for a cool $1,000,000,000,000! The
box was made out of papier mache Dead Sea Scrolls and was estimated to be worth
the equivalent of sixteen thousand Cristiano Ronaldos stretching to the moon
and back!
Air Jordans are possibly the most famous trainers in the
world, but they were originally designed not by basketball legend Michael Jordan,
but enormo-jugged model Katie Price. They were first intended as special
replacements for her plastic tits in case they exploded on a flight to New
York, but were re-moulded into trainers after sort-of singer Peter Andre
mistook them for car airbags and put them in the blue recycling bin. Each
jug-bag created 200 pairs of trainers!
Statistically, you are more likely to win the lottery whilst
getting struck by lightning as you are run over by a bus on your way to a hole
in one on a golf course where you find a four leaf clover before being hit by
an asteroid as you are to get mugged for your trainers.
Contrary to popular
belief, Athlete’s foot is not something you can get through exercising your
feet muscles, but rather a fungus growing between your toes due to the warm and
humid environment of your favourite trainers. Other similar conditions include
Tennis Elbow and Cricket Ball.
Kids say the funniest things... about trainers!
Our son Jacob, 4, called me from his bedroom because he
‘couldn’t get his feet in his trainers.’ Oh how we laughed when we found him
trying to jam his tootsies into the anuses of Derrick ‘Mr. Motivator’ Evans and
Diana ‘The Green Goddess’ Moran. They weren’t best pleased, I can tell you!
Ada Scrotum, Fulchester
I had to laugh the other day when Cassie, my 5 year-old
granddaughter, announced that she wanted to be a trainer. It turned out she
meant she wanted to construct rail transport vehicles that run along a track to
carry passengers and/or cargo. I literally puked my lungs out of my mouth with
hilarity when I was left waiting at Hamilton Square for the delayed 14.22 from
Hooton, rail replacement bus in operation due to debris on the line at
Bebington.
Ethel Warpig, Ffossip
My 11 year old nephew, Charlie, stood up proudly at Sunday
dinner and declared, “I love black laces!” Well, the entire family was left on
the floor wheezing for breath in giggles when we realised that rather than enjoying
the dark coloured cords used to fasten up his trainers, he was a negligee-wearing
transvestite who also was a fan of the 1980s pop duo. My husband shat his penis
off at the crazy mix-up.
Gretel Handface, West Caernarfon
Trainer chatlines
T*e me up t*ght 0111 280870
I’ve got a h*le in my b*ttom 0111 2689
Polish my le*ther upp*rs 0111 78959
My eyeh*les are dirty
0111 68962
Sniff my od*r e*ters 0111 785698
J*sus they st*nk - p*t
them in the f*cking w*shing m*chine NOW 0111 86985
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