One horse open sea
By Edward Lager
NORTH POLE – The popular giver of presents at Christmastide,
Santa Claus, has announced plans for an eco-friendly season.
Inspired, he says, by environmental campaigner, Greta
Thunberg, he will be ditching the sleigh – in favour of a wind-powered
catamaran.
“The time has come for me to step up and be counted,” said
Claus. “Extinction Rebellion have certainly made me think about my carbon
footprint.”
His magic-powered sleigh is estimated to pump out in excess
of 1.2 million kilograms of MO2 – mystery dioxide – which supernatural
scientists have pegged as a major factor in the continuing rise in global
cheering.
“It is simply not sustainable anymore for Father Christmas
to be quite so profligate in his world-spanning journeys,” said Dr. Yootha
Dagobah-System, of the Royal Society of Chrimbo Chemistry. “We welcome his
decision to switch to natural energy sources for this year’s
present-distributing season.”
Toilet
Claus, who celebrates his 1,749th birthday in
2020, has already hired Malizia II, the IMOCA 60 racing yacht which
Thunberg took on her journey from Plymouth to New York City. The 18-metre craft
has no shower, toilet or cooking facilities on-board, although the jolly
bearded Santa is looking forward to the experience.
“At least I won’t have to worry about reindeer farts. Yes,
they look cute, but those little bastards don’t half let off some stenches, you
know,” he said, adding that the newly-unemployed caribou will not be put to
waste.
“We’ve already cooked and eaten Prancer and Dancer, and have
Rudolf ready for the slaughterhouse on my return. I ho-ho-hope Mary’s got the
oven ready!”
Experts have calculated that Claus’ journey around every
continent by boat, weather permitting, will take around 15,000 days, not
including travel by camel, horse or charabanc to each and every house to
deliver every kid’s presents in between.
He is expected to use a sustainably-sourced pulley system to
reach each chimney.
We contacted Piers Morgan for a quote but he had already exploded in a frenzy of anger and cum.
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