SUPREME MAN OF JUSTICE vs. THE EVIL KILADON

The EVIL KILADON PLANET-CRUSHING SPACESHIP looms over Ffossip-On-Sea. In its shade are the usual shops, cenotaph, public library, railway station, pubs, et cetera. Somewhere familiar. An anytown, but with its own character.

From the SHIP comes a BOOMING voice

“PUNY EARTHLINGS SUBMIT TO YOUR TRUE RULERS”

There is MASS PANIC in the streets below

The KILADON SHIP is readying its LASERBLAST GENOCRASH…

…BUT

Who is this handsome, muscled, caped hero?

It can only be… SUPREME MAN OF PURE JUSTICE

He is fighting once again to save his adopted Earth from the EVIL KILADON, a foul, cackling sentient reptile-creature from distant, war-torn lands.

SMOPJ: Engage… power of teleport!

SMOPJ dematerialises from the terrified throng… and reppears on deck of the KILADON PLANET-CRUSHING spaceship

SMOPJ: Not so fast, Kiladon warrior! Earth is not for you!

KILADON: I think not, Son of Hamble! I am already in position to mine your seas for the salt water my people need to survive!

SMOPJ: Drink THIS!

BOOM!

He punches the evil KILADON in his second-head!

KILADON: AIIIIIIEEEEE!

He recoils in pain and terror! SMOPJ stands heroically over his vanquished foe.

SMOPJ: Salty enough for you?

He prepares to deliver the DEATH BLOW

KILADON: Please… my people are suffering!!

KILADON: We only need a little!!

SMOPJ starts to ramp up the power in his arms – he grows to three times his usual size! His eyes glow!

SMOPJ: Engage…. DEADLY JUSTICE FIGHT HAND!!!

He draws back his hand…

*ring ring*

SMOPJ looks around… where’s that phone?

*ring ring*

KILADON: It’s not mine, I’ve got the theme music from Strictly on mine.

SMOPJ returns to normal size. He pats his pockets. It is his phone. He scans it.

SMOPJ: Ah sorry KILADON, I’ve got to take this.

Split frame with EARTH, a library. Quiet, studious, posters, kids singing at Rhymetime, some old people reading newspapers, a drunken stinky bloke in the corner taking a kip etc. BERYL the LIBRARIAN stands at the counter, opposite a cross-looking customer. She is on the phone.

BERYL the LIBRARIAN (on phone): Could you assist for a moment? Sorry to bother you on your lunch.

SMOPJ (on phone): Don’t be silly. It’s absolutely fine. I’ll be right there, Beryl.

SMOPJ (to KILADON): Seems like luck is in the stars this time for you, KILADON. Begone from here! For I will be back! Earth is not for you! Engage…power of teleport!

He disappears…

DURING THE TELEPORT:
SMOPJ: Engage… Joseph Library power!

…and reappears at the LIBRARY COUNTER.

He is now in comfy, but smart, pants, Skechers shoes that look like actual shoes but are trainers, a polo shirt that is neutral-coloured and reasonably smart, nice friendly glasses etc.

The conversation takes place over several frames. As it does, outside the windows an increasing amount of water seems to be heading upwards. We see fish, whales, Davy Jones’ locker (not that one), mermaids, etc. But the focus is on the desk area throughout.

JOSEPH LIBRARY (to BERYL): How may I help?

BERYL the LIBRARIAN: Mr. Jones said he definitely phoned us last week to extend the date, but when he brought it in today the computer flagged up a fine.

JOSEPH LIBRARY: Hmm, I see. And was there a note on his account? We did have that day in Fallback when the servers were down, last Tuesday. It may have slipped through. (To MR JONES) Sir, can you remember with whom you spoke?

MR. JONES: No, I definitely phoned, see, cause on a Tuesday I don’t normally come to town and I was nearly at the end of the book so I rang up, see. So there shouldn’t be a fine on the book, see?

JOSEPH LIBRARY: Leave it with me, Beryl. Thank you.

BERYL: I’ll get on with that shelving in the kids’ castle. Rhymetime always makes a mess!

JOSEPH LIBRARY: It’s the excitement of the library for them I guess, the little tinkers. They just love their books.

BERYL toddles off to the kids’ area.

JOSEPH LIBRARY: (to MR JONES) OK, so I hear you sir. I see the computer is saying a pound is owing, because it is four days overdue. It’s 25p per day, as we don’t count Sundays when we are closed of course. But you’re telling me that you called in and asked for an extra week.

MR. JONES: I definitely phoned. It was just after Bargain Hunt, see. I always get some chores done after Bargain Hunt.

JOSEPH LIBRARY (creating a rapport with the customer to calm him down): Quite right too. Who won?

MR. JONES: Blues. They picked up a teddy bear for a tenner. Turned out to be an 1890 Steiff, which they sold at auction for £2000.

JOSEPH LIBRARY: Two grand! Well well well. For a teddy bear? That was a great spot! Who was the expert?

MR. JONES: Danny.

JOSEPH LIBRARY: Oh, yes, he knows his stuff that chap. Fair play to the blues. If only I wasn’t at work that day. I do like a bargain… Well, sir, it is the first time you’ve accrued a fine with us, and we were having computer issues that day. So we will waive it on this occasion, but if you can please do make sure you get the name of who you spoke to so we can make doubly sure we’re all on the… same page, if you like. Hahahaha!

MR. JONES: Ah yes, a good one. Same page. Library. Very good.

JOSEPH LIBRARY: Is there anything else I can help you with today sir?

MR. JONES (now happy and relaxed, as his complaint has been dealt with): No, I don’t think so. Thank you very much. Good bye to you.

JOSEPH LIBRARY: It’s my pleasure. See you soon. Look out for teddy bears!

MR. JONES leaves. JOSEPH LIBRARY whistles to himself as he takes the fine off Mr. Jones’ account.

Pan out: The LIBRARY – along with much of FFOSSIP - is now caught in a swirling vortex of sea, heading up toward the KILADON spaceship.

NEXT WEEK: SUPREME MAN OF PURE JUSTICE is summoned before the COURT of THE FIRE KINGS where he must defend himself from being accused of INTERPLANETARY BREACHES OF THE FIRST CONTACT, before rushing back down to Ffossip-On-Sea Library to deal with a disastrous mis-shelving of non-fiction by a volunteer unfamiliar with the Dewey System. DON’T MISS IT!