Giant Pandas want humans to leave them alone.
Tian Tian, spokesman for the vulnerable species, told
reporters yesterday that the iconic species had been trying to quietly slip
away for some time.
“We made a vow to give up shagging way back in the Sixties,”
said the 3ft bear. “And do you really think we don’t know how little
nutritional value bamboo shoots have?”
“Seriously, folks, we just want to go extinct. Please stop
trying to make us breed. It’s quite undignified all round.”
“Can’t you save bees instead? They pollinate most of your
food, you idiots. And, if you look closely, they’re cute as well. Seriously. If
they were 4ft tall you’d have them as pets.”
Release
The national symbol of China is notable for its
black-and-white markings, particularly around the eye sockets. But Tian Tian
said that this was nothing to do with either cuteness or camouflage.
“Those deep eye sockets you see are purely down to us
staying up all night listening to Bauhaus and The Cure,” continued the ursine
plodder. “But you wouldn’t know those bands because you’re not a proper goth
like we all are.”
“Please just let us be, we’re not interested in your rules,
regulations and social pressures. We’re different. You just wouldn’t
understand.”
“Death to us would be nothing but sweet release,” he added,
taking a swig from a vodka bottle shaped like a skull.
When contacted for a comment, the National Society for the
Protection of Pandas pulled no punches.
“Nín bōdǎ di hàomǎ shàngwèi bèi shìbié,” they told us. “Qǐng
guà duàn diànhuà zài dǎ diànhuà.”
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