Wise rules I have done a learn on

·         Download it now. It might not be available tomorrow.

·         Do not ever try and do reggae if you are not actually from Jamaica (and nearby).

·         Always know where your remote controls are. Have a place for them.

·         Fry your eggs slowly on a low heat.

·         Always stroke dogs and cats, if they want you to. If they don’t, they will tell you.

·         Check size and weight of luggage allowances really carefully. Those cunts will keep changing and you will get fucked.

·         Doing things for a laff is usually the way to end up doing ace things.

·         Don’t overthink. Don’t overplan.

·         Overeat. Overdrink. Whatever. Don’t fucking moan about it afterwards though.

·         The older you get, the more you appreciate having a poo.

·         If a book is shit, don’t plough through it. There’s loads out there. Read a good one.

·         Leave my favourite mug alone.

·         Yes the world has gone fucking mental and we’re all going to burn one way or another.

·         You are not ‘entitled to an opinion’ if that means you have ‘already decided to ignore the actual facts’ and ‘decided not to listen to any nuances’. You will get called out on it, and you will be eventually called a cunt. Not least because you are a cunt.

·         People are nice on their own aren’t they.

·         After a certain age, nobody asks you what your favourite dinosaur is. That’s sad isn’t it? Ask someone today. They will definitely have one. Dinosaurs are awesome.

·         Try and do what you said you would do. If you can’t, or fuck it up, be honest and apologise. I mean, it’s not fucking rocket surgery is it.

·         Capitalism’s failure can be tracked entirely through the proliferation of weird and useless kitchen gadgets in charity shops.

·         This could also be interpreted as its success, of course.

·         It is generally a bad idea to read John Pilger before work.