Everything I have ever learned about life (part 1)

If you want your dreams to come true, simply change your dreams

So far, I am immortal

Most people are wasted at their jobs, which is grand if you can get away with it

All gods are substitute parents

If you own more than one pair of shoes you are rich

Wash your hands, body, teeth etc quite often

Don’t wear sunglasses inside

When you fuck up, admit it and get on with fixing it

It is impossible to injure yourself falling over drunk

God either can’t, won’t, or isn’t

Free Will is a top excuse

Love is a mask for foul deeds all too often

Animals speak in different accents depending where they are from

Cars break in the following places: alternator; chassis; fuel pump; fan belt. Everything else is made up.

A good kitchen knife is vital and it is also inevitable that you will chop your finger top off with it at some stage

Glasses will smash

Getting real hand-written letters through the post is the best thing ever

If you drink you will probably get a hangover. So fucking deal with it and don’t whinge

Sing whenever and however you want

The worst music is dishonest music

Also Coldplay. I fucking can’t stand that shit

Countdown is really difficult

All of my male friends have a favourite mug which gets refilled with cup of teas or coffees without getting washed until it has an actual visible crust on the bottom

The more plates, bowls, pans and cutlery you own, the less often you will wash up

Magic is real but is not what you think it is

Everyone looks at their own snot in a tissue

Here are some useful starts to phrases for liars: ‘I am not racist, but,’; ‘To be honest,’; ‘The reality is,’; ‘I have every faith’

Beware anyone who identifies themselves as A Quarter Irish; A Writer; Agnostic

Life is a stumbling oafish battle between the walking poor and the working dead

The best food is leftovers

The second best food is seconds

Ostentatious Christianity is a good way for money rats to express their fundamental inner socialism without irony

Henry Rollins and Steven Seagal always need a poo

The worst thing in the world is saving a choice morsel for last only to find out it is a piece of vegetable masquerading as meat

The only canvas you own is yourself

The best smell in the world is strangers’ chips

Nothing matters as much as it appears

Breakfast; Dinner; Tea and nothing else

There are patterns everywhere

Eat what the fuck you want and take the consequences