Performances and videos link

 I've got an increasing amount of performances on video and audio, and I'm putting them on https://www.facebook.com/joeshoomanwrites one by one. 

Quite a lot of these things I write are meant to be performed, rather than flat on a page - the phrasing isn't usually line by line, rhyme by rhyme. I don't think that necessarily comes across sometimes if I don't speak em out loud. So, I thought fuck it.

No refunds.

How?

So,

How does this keep happening?

How the fuck do they get in?

They’re no longer pretending

That they’re lying and lying

 

That one who drove to Durham?

Ah, no, we must all move on.

That bill they rushed through last year?

Now, they say it’s a shit idea

 

Go out stay in eat out drink beer

Stay in go out stay out change gear

Test and trace and don’t delay

Capacity is up. Hooray!

But hang on, only get a test

If you’re already ill with this

And phone us up at 9am

At 10 and then at 12 again

At 1 and 2 and 3 and 4

You know it won’t be long before

You’re next! Hang on. The line’s gone dead.

We close at 5. We should have said.

 

That one with all the hedge fund bets

That odious swastika-legged

Double-barrelled dunderhead

Was voted in. Is that correct?

 

The one with indetermined kids

Was voted in as MP. It’s

Like inviting vampires in

But worse. And yet, it’s happening.

 

Lockdown stand up and stay alert

Sit still and brace, this prick won’t hurt.

And yet it does. It smarts and stings

Because this shit keeps happening.

 Sick, or poor, or old? Fuck you.

Work til you die. We can’t use you.

That NHS you’re so proud of?

Our mates own it, we’ve sold it off.

A pyroclastic flow of crap

Is fed us. But be sure to clap.

But how does this keep happening?

How the fuck do they get in?

 

The Gammons spend their time insane

Complaining at a dance routine

Perpetuate conspiracy

That this is all caused by 5G

That Bill Gates wants us to get sick:

His vaccines hold a microchip.

Chinese collusion to take over

But why would anyone sane bother?

“ALL Lives Matter” cry these twots

(except for refugees on boats).

“Don’t take away my Glory song”

(they don’t know words to sing along).

Hazarding a far-fetched guess

At how we’ve dropped into this mess

I’d say that taking back control

Means different things than what we’re told.

 

Facts and evidence are dead

The UK’s fucked, like the US

Cause politics has changed again

A puke of lies on spin on spin

So blatantly corrupt and foul:

A circus held in Satan’s bowel.

This shit is how they still get in.

And that is why it’s happening.

 

 

N-FaT

Don’t look at me for wisdom

Don’t look at me for advice

It’s more through luck than by design

I’ve managed to survive.

There’s not much I can pass on

But if you do insist

There’s one small thing that I’ve found wrong

And I’ll give you the gist:

 

Never fuck a Tory;

They might appear nice

So if you do by accident

Just please don’t do it twice.

 

The Tories walk amongst us

They’re hiding in plain sight,

They’ll celebrate with birthday cake

Then take everyone’s slice.

 

They’ll fuck you til you’re sound asleep

And say their love is true

Then auction off your cock and balls

And sell them back to you

 

I got drunk once and kissed a girl -

She seemed a normal lass -

I woke up with no clothes on

Cause she’d privatised my ass.

 

You just can’t trust a Tory,

They’re born to tell you lies

They’ll take away your breaktime milk

And chuckle whilst you cry.

 

(The problem is, they look like us,

They take the tube, they get the bus,

They chomp their crisps, they watch the game:

The issue is they look the same)

 

And

 

Some of them are pretty cute

Some are beautiful,

Or handsome in a sharp-ass suit,

But comrades, don’t be fooled.

 

Their hands caress away a tear

And comfort bawling kids.

Those same soft hands will draw a cross

And vote Conservative.

 

Those cushioned lips that gentle part

Are captivating, red,

But later say ‘Britain is full

Let’s help our own instead’.

 

Their hair-swish gorgeous, wonderful,

Slow-motion melodies

Sit atop a brain that thinks

That trans is a disease.

 

The shy ones won’t admit to it;

They’ll lose their confidence

Cause if they really think on it

Maybe they’ll see some sense...

 

...But no. 

When voting comes around

They scrut inside that booth,

Stand up and Think of In-Ger-Lund

And Tory wins ensue.

 

But.

 

There’s nothing to be shamed about

If you can change your mind

Based on the info that you’ve got:

The truth, the facts defined.

 

This is the problem of the left:

We’re drawn to always blame

Each other, and we are obsessed

With tiny different ways

 

Of thinking, when we could be sure

To celebrate instead

The things we have in common, or

The N-H-blimmin-S.

 

So maybe I’ve not got it right,

I’ve misread this whole story:

I think we’ve fucked ourselves, lost sight

Of how to fuck a Tory.

 

But look. I’ve thought about this more,

See, teenagers rebel

Against their parents’ politics

And so we might as well

 

Go and fuck a Tory,

And make some babies too,

So when the kids turn seventeen

They’ll seek out other truths

 

And turn away from mam or dad,

Whose bourgeois selfishness

Will be held up as all that’s bad,

Which got us in this mess,

 

And then they’ll mobilise and fight

For true equality

And put this fucking world to rights.

I live.

    I hope.

         I dream.

 

Don’t look at me for answers

Or for some inspiration:

I’ve seen too many chancers

Who have fucked too many nations.

A wiser man than I once said

‘Beware of your own dogma;

Or one day you will wake up dead,

Run down by your own karma’.

Bank Holiday Weekend (Day 30/31)

 It's been... boring actually. But in some ways I've not noticed all that much being sober. I have started to question myself about my first port of call being, well, port and so on, and I've noticed that it makes little difference drinking between 7 and 9pm. In fact, I have read more and that's good.

I've read several books about drinking and sobriety and whatnot. There are many different levels of this kinda stuff. I think in general I'm at the lower end of... risk? I don't quite think that's the correct word maybe. But, compared to the book protagonists I'm just a part-time idiot that fell into a stupid routine of drinking when bored of an evening. I mean, I knew that already I guess. But confirmation was important.

The total is at £515 today. That's £15 over my original target. I upped it to £750 because I raised about £150 within a few hours of posting the first news about this month. But ya know, over 500 quid is not too shabby is it. And a good charity, of course, will benefit.

Last year I did Movember and raised a load too. I probably won't do this sober thing again, but I might well do something different at some stage. It's been difficult at times, mostly before I started to really work out what the hell was going on in a more scientific way.

It's given me something to distract me from the continuing absolute shit going on with viruses, Tories and what have you. That's important. I nearly came off all social media before I started doing this; I'd had a bellyful of politics and idiots. That stuff is still out there. But now I am (mostly) either not getting involved in the way I used to, and/or sending reports to Twitter. It's kinda satisfying to see the pricks getting banned. So, there's that. Not much, really.

And, so, life goes on one way or another. I'm happy enough with what I've achieved here; the cash, of course, and the more nebulous clouds of realisation about... whatever. I've not worked this out 100% or even 10% yet. But I've started. Maybe. Probably.

Here's to tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow. Ya know, I used to recite that as a depressing quote: creeps in this petty pace from day to day/to the last syllable of recorded time, and it meant that someone's ass was mine I was pretending to be Eeyore-ish. But I think I can also take the first bit out of context, because just having tomorrows is a privilege not granted to all.

Iechyd da - mewn pob meddwl o'r eiriau.

Computer Game Sequels

I was arsing about on social media instead of writing a book so I wrote some ideas for sequels to successful computer games. When I went down town to mooch around instead of writing a book I bought a USB game controller from a charity shop for £2.99. The two things weren't connected I don't think, but if they were then I oughta've written about Aria Pro II bass guitars. Oh well.

• Reverse Tomb Raider: Lara has to go to all the UK museums and grab all the stuff that's been nicked from other countries, and then repatriate them.
  
  
• Sonic's Aftermath: Sonic has to go on community service and return all the rings to the clouds that he nicked them from on his feral, Sunny D-fuelled rampage.
  
  
• Jet Set Willy's Divorce: Jet Set Willy and his wife decide to split up due to clear incompatibility, and they hire a cleaner to get the house in order before selling it and downsizing in separate new flats.
  
  
• Tekken Mediation Add-On: the combatants sit around a table with their foes and some trained negotiators, each having space and time to calmly explain their issues. Then, they realise how much they have in common and embrace their differences whilst celebrating their shared bonds. They go their separate ways and spread this new-found insight to engender an open-minded and loving society.
  
  
• Grand Theft AutoReplace: each car stolen is actually done so to replace it with a more eco-friendly electric vehicle, and/or a bicycle, with the owners compensated accordingly.
  
  
• Untitled Goose Game: The geese's rage is shown to be at the environmental vandalism that humankind has wrought. Humans finally take note and re-wild huge areas, whilst moving to a sustainable economy. All geese then become friendly and approachable.
  
  
• Micro Machines - Antivax Edition: All the micro machines are destroyed by deranged QAnon followers who believe the cars are merely vehicles for Bill Gates to inject them with mind-control chips.
  
  
• DOOM, Sparky Update: You are contracted as an electrician whose task is to fix the lights properly. All the monsters are revealed to be jobbing acting graduates desperate for their break in showbiz. You shoot them anyway, because they won't leave you the fuck alone.
  
  
• The Sims Unionise: Your power to control any aspect of the Sims' lives is challenged by a well-read and determined union. The Sims refuse to work under your all-encompassing rule, and you are ousted in favour of a democratically-elected representative decision-making committee. Their first act is to remove all cameras from the houses, streets and other places, and to build proper roofs and walls in their homes.
  
  
• Worms Disarmament Treaty: The worms mutually agree to turn their weapons factories into craft workshops, affordable housing and social spaces for all; the weapons are melted down to help create quantum computers and thrust research forward for all wormkind.

Verdure and Survive

 

Naïve I might be

But can someone tell me

Why we can’t plant

Herbs on the verges

Fruit trees on the streets

Spelt in the brown belt

Alliums in the valleys?

Um

 

I mean. If we do it

Nature will renew it

Radish in the parish

Sage behind the stage

Chilli in the alley

Oranges for the foragers

Er

 

Turn the allotments

Into car parks

And the car parks

Into allotments

And maybe we’d find

That made a lot more sense

Growing mushrooms and incense

In the bits that were dark

Turn it round.

Till the ground.

 

The forces could lead it

Throw their guns down and seed it

Tubers on manoeuvres

Not gunfire, but samphire

No guards, just gourds

Grow cress in the mess

Hall

 

The house of Lords

Could be useful for once:

Justified by salsify

Ancient but efficient

From debate to plate

And rose hip replace

Ments.

 

There’s nothing to stop us

I don’t think, because

We all need to eat

So make edible streets

Grow some rainbow-leaf chard

On these tired boulevards

We won’t be here forever:

Can we just make it better?

 

Naïve I might be

But can someone tell me

Why this world is obsessed

With financial ‘success’?

 

Why we’re ground to the bone

For economic ‘growth’?

And when did we decide

To put fairness aside?

 

'Naïve’s just a word

That makes ‘freedom’ absurd

In the mouth of the liars

So we need to plant fires.

SCD13

 Today I have got rage at everything.

I would be planning to get drunk usually.

That adds to the rage.

But I will be strong and come through this a different way.