N-FaT

Don’t look at me for wisdom

Don’t look at me for advice

It’s more through luck than by design

I’ve managed to survive.

There’s not much I can pass on

But if you do insist

There’s one small thing that I’ve found wrong

And I’ll give you the gist:

 

Never fuck a Tory;

They might appear nice

So if you do by accident

Just please don’t do it twice.

 

The Tories walk amongst us

They’re hiding in plain sight,

They’ll celebrate with birthday cake

Then take everyone’s slice.

 

They’ll fuck you til you’re sound asleep

And say their love is true

Then auction off your cock and balls

And sell them back to you

 

I got drunk once and kissed a girl -

She seemed a normal lass -

I woke up with no clothes on

Cause she’d privatised my ass.

 

You just can’t trust a Tory,

They’re born to tell you lies

They’ll take away your breaktime milk

And chuckle whilst you cry.

 

(The problem is, they look like us,

They take the tube, they get the bus,

They chomp their crisps, they watch the game:

The issue is they look the same)

 

And

 

Some of them are pretty cute

Some are beautiful,

Or handsome in a sharp-ass suit,

But comrades, don’t be fooled.

 

Their hands caress away a tear

And comfort bawling kids.

Those same soft hands will draw a cross

And vote Conservative.

 

Those cushioned lips that gentle part

Are captivating, red,

But later say ‘Britain is full

Let’s help our own instead’.

 

Their hair-swish gorgeous, wonderful,

Slow-motion melodies

Sit atop a brain that thinks

That trans is a disease.

 

The shy ones won’t admit to it;

They’ll lose their confidence

Cause if they really think on it

Maybe they’ll see some sense...

 

...But no. 

When voting comes around

They scrut inside that booth,

Stand up and Think of In-Ger-Lund

And Tory wins ensue.

 

But.

 

There’s nothing to be shamed about

If you can change your mind

Based on the info that you’ve got:

The truth, the facts defined.

 

This is the problem of the left:

We’re drawn to always blame

Each other, and we are obsessed

With tiny different ways

 

Of thinking, when we could be sure

To celebrate instead

The things we have in common, or

The N-H-blimmin-S.

 

So maybe I’ve not got it right,

I’ve misread this whole story:

I think we’ve fucked ourselves, lost sight

Of how to fuck a Tory.

 

But look. I’ve thought about this more,

See, teenagers rebel

Against their parents’ politics

And so we might as well

 

Go and fuck a Tory,

And make some babies too,

So when the kids turn seventeen

They’ll seek out other truths

 

And turn away from mam or dad,

Whose bourgeois selfishness

Will be held up as all that’s bad,

Which got us in this mess,

 

And then they’ll mobilise and fight

For true equality

And put this fucking world to rights.

I live.

    I hope.

         I dream.

 

Don’t look at me for answers

Or for some inspiration:

I’ve seen too many chancers

Who have fucked too many nations.

A wiser man than I once said

‘Beware of your own dogma;

Or one day you will wake up dead,

Run down by your own karma’.