GO ON TOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you shouted at
full full full volume
Tommy Lloyd looked around, startled
because he was in the centre circle and the ball was in our own box, nowhere near him;
There’s a tale about all this
Which I’ll tell you when you turn twenty-one.
This ain't a poem or nuffink like that
It's sumffink I'm ffinking sat here in me chair
It's not real levver, it's falling apart
But it's comfy, I like it, it's goin nowhere.
This is my ffink wot I've ffunked most today:
"I'm sat here all sad and it's doin no good,
Me hair's gone all flat and me face has gone grey,
Cos anuvver week's passed in a dumbfounded mood,
I've gone to me work and I've done ffings, I spose,
But nuffink seems all that important no more."
It ain't all that much to report, mate, I know,
But that's wot I ffinked since I ffunk stuff before:
Imagine one day I might squeeze out a laff,
All I can do is look fforward to that.
It's never going to be right. I am wrestling with it being real.
And in a dream there you were, you scruffy ratbag.
Dozing, slightly snoring, hands clasped over your belly.
Raggedy beard - not too long, this time, and still dark - and glasses.
Dressed in black. A couple of seats back from me on the bus.
It was...
...these things aren't nice. But it was the first time I've seen you since.
And you were just so chilled out and peaceful.
That is the real I choose today. That is the right place today.
Chimeric Rock Star News
With madcap legacy-destroying divot Ian Brown
Dickinson dodges danger
Iron Maiden singer Goose Dickinson is recovering from a narrow escape after he nearly got sucked into the inlet valve of one of his own jets.
The Run To The Hills vocalist, 63, was out with his flock on their yearly autumn migration from Svalbard to the south-east of England, when he became separated from the main V formation due to an unexpected air current.
“It was pretty hairy,” said the 5ft 6 Russian white-footed goose, “Especially when I realised I was on an unerring course toward what I instantly recognised as a Boeing 747-400 jumbo jet. With its wide body and Pratt & Whitney PW4056 turbofans, it pulls an incredible amount of air and I was heading right toward it.”
Luckily for the heavy metal superstar, the jet climbed swiftly to avoid a patch of upcoming turbulence and it was only his pride that was hurt.
“Never mind Bring Your Daughter… it was very nearly a case of attending my own slaughter,” quipped Dickinson, preening at an awkward tick on his tail.
Crops Under Pressure
The UK’s tomato manufacturers have warned of an unusually low yield this year after an unexpected and devastating influx of Aphid Bowies.
Richard von Damm, chairman of the England Tomato Guild, said that as a result, prices could soar.
“People must realise that whilst we all can appreciate the chameleonic craft and constant reinvention of the late Thin White Duke – except for Tin Machine, naturally - when tens of thousands of Bowies swarm it is absolute carnage.”
Mr. von Damm added that as well as sucking the sap from crops, Aphid Bowies – real names Aphid Jones - can bring viruses and attract mould. Incecticides are not always viable as pest control, as they quickly develop a resistance to the chemicals.
“If someone could come up with a new control measure,” continued Mr. von Damm, “They really would be ‘Heroes’.”
In the meantime, there is to be no ‘Lazarus’-like comeback for the beleagured soft fruit industry.
“We are always on edge when it comes to Aphid Bowie season,” Mr. von Damm added. “But this year we have only just recovered from a plague of Locust Capaldis that severely weakened our ability to react.”
The Aphid Bowies are expected to be in the United Kingdom for several weeks before they depart for Cannes for the world premier of a remastered print of their 1986 musical fantasy smash, Labyrinth.
Not so Ace of Spades
An emergency evacuation order has been served on residents of West Bengal after a group of wild elephants broke loose from a reserve.
“At this time we urge everybody to remain calm, but to leave as soon as is practicable,” said lead conservationist Anita Noah-Yannick. “This crash of elephants is extremely dangerous and pose a huge risk.”
Noah-Yannick added that the escapees appeared to be led by mutton-chopped pachyderm bassist, Lemmy the Elephant. Having bedded over 2,000 females in his life, the gravel-throated musician’s sheer manliness and raw sex appeal has set off a chain reaction amongst the males of the group.
“They have gone into a collective state of Musth,” continued the spokeswoman. “And their behaviour is incredibly unpredictable.”
A musth state takes place in bull elephants and is characterised by testosterone levels up to 60 times the normal levels; as a result, the animals can become extremely aggressive.
Lemmy, whose hits included Bomber, Iron Fist and the duet with Mozzy Osborne, I’m Not a Nice Guy After All, did not reply to a request for a comment by time of publication. It is thought that the one-time Jimi Hendrix roadie is also suffering from severe toothache due to the irritating discharge of temporin which is a feature of musth.
In the meantime, residents are urged to travel outside the danger zone as soon as possible, said Noah-Yannick.
“We are working hard to control the herd and have ordered a gigantic bottle of Jack Daniel’s and a puddle of coke which we will use to distract Lemmy,” she said. “We are working on a way to manufacture an enormous cylinder of tobacco that he can pick up with his trunk too.”
Amphetamine manufacturers across the subcontinent have also been put on high alert.
Next time: Find out what gets Eel Young Swimmin in the Free World; Why Dave Vole is Learning to Fly; Who is putting that enormous grin on the face of Axlotl Rose; And why Piers Corbyn is god.
Ike and Rusty like to look out the window, and their noses leave smudges:
ENHANCE DATA
Obviously they were writing a tune weren't they? This is how I interpreted it:
Questions?
Questions?
Mate.
I've got questions.
I've got so many fucking questions that I am starting to look like a fucking question mark.
When I stand up my back bends and my head droops in on my belly.
My feet have detached from my legs.
I can't feel the ground anymore.
Questions.
Questions.
Mate.
By now I reckon I know that there's always gonna be questions.
And that I will never stop asking them.
The only thing I can tell you for sure though
Is that there aren't enough fucking answers.
And that there never fucking were.
