Chimeric Rock News

 

Chimeric Rock Star News

With madcap legacy-destroying divot Ian Brown

Dickinson dodges danger

Iron Maiden singer Goose Dickinson is recovering from a narrow escape after he nearly got sucked into the inlet valve of one of his own jets.

The Run To The Hills vocalist, 63, was out with his flock on their yearly autumn migration from Svalbard to the south-east of England, when he became separated from the main V formation due to an unexpected air current.

“It was pretty hairy,” said the 5ft 6 Russian white-footed goose, “Especially when I realised I was on an unerring course toward what I instantly recognised as a Boeing 747-400 jumbo jet. With its wide body and Pratt & Whitney PW4056 turbofans, it pulls an incredible amount of air and I was heading right toward it.”

Luckily for the heavy metal superstar, the jet climbed swiftly to avoid a patch of upcoming turbulence and it was only his pride that was hurt.

“Never mind Bring Your Daughter… it was very nearly a case of attending my own slaughter,” quipped Dickinson, preening at an awkward tick on his tail.

Crops Under Pressure

The UK’s tomato manufacturers have warned of an unusually low yield this year after an unexpected and devastating influx of Aphid Bowies.

Richard von Damm, chairman of the England Tomato Guild, said that as a result, prices could soar.

“People must realise that whilst we all can appreciate the chameleonic craft and constant reinvention of the late Thin White Duke – except for Tin Machine, naturally - when tens of thousands of Bowies swarm it is absolute carnage.”

Mr. von Damm added that as well as sucking the sap from crops, Aphid Bowies – real names Aphid Jones - can bring viruses and attract mould. Incecticides are not always viable as pest control, as they quickly develop a resistance to the chemicals.

“If someone could come up with a new control measure,” continued Mr. von Damm, “They really would be ‘Heroes’.”

In the meantime, there is to be no ‘Lazarus’-like comeback for the beleagured soft fruit industry.

“We are always on edge when it comes to Aphid Bowie season,” Mr. von Damm added. “But this year we have only just recovered from a plague of Locust Capaldis that severely weakened our ability to react.”

The Aphid Bowies are expected to be in the United Kingdom for several weeks before they depart for Cannes for the world premier of a remastered print of their 1986 musical fantasy smash, Labyrinth.

Not so Ace of Spades

An emergency evacuation order has been served on residents of West Bengal after a group of wild elephants broke loose from a reserve.

“At this time we urge everybody to remain calm, but to leave as soon as is practicable,” said lead conservationist Anita Noah-Yannick. “This crash of elephants is extremely dangerous and pose a huge risk.”

Noah-Yannick added that the escapees appeared to be led by mutton-chopped pachyderm bassist, Lemmy the Elephant. Having bedded over 2,000 females in his life, the gravel-throated musician’s sheer manliness and raw sex appeal has set off a chain reaction amongst the males of the group.

“They have gone into a collective state of Musth,” continued the spokeswoman. “And their behaviour is incredibly unpredictable.”

A musth state takes place in bull elephants and is characterised by testosterone levels up to 60 times the normal levels; as a result, the animals can become extremely aggressive.

Lemmy, whose hits included Bomber, Iron Fist and the duet with Mozzy Osborne, I’m Not a Nice Guy After All, did not reply to a request for a comment by time of publication. It is thought that the one-time Jimi Hendrix roadie is also suffering from severe toothache due to the irritating discharge of temporin which is a feature of musth.

In the meantime, residents are urged to travel outside the danger zone as soon as possible, said Noah-Yannick.

“We are working hard to control the herd and have ordered a gigantic bottle of Jack Daniel’s and a puddle of coke which we will use to distract Lemmy,” she said. “We are working on a way to manufacture an enormous cylinder of tobacco that he can pick up with his trunk too.”

Amphetamine manufacturers across the subcontinent have also been put on high alert.

Next time: Find out what gets Eel Young Swimmin in the Free World; Why Dave Vole is Learning to Fly; Who is putting that enormous grin on the face of Axlotl Rose; And why Piers Corbyn is god.