The Header Forecast

The Header Forecast

With Anthony Stewart Head from Buffy

 

Scotland: Early outbreaks of solid defensive clearances by grizzled centre-halves, with a chance of 50-50 battles later. Supplies of white bandages have been distributed to mop up forehead blood from split stitches. Concussion is possible in the Shetland Islands.

Northern Ireland: High pressure in the home box will lead to inadvertent glancing headers to divert a miscued wide shot into an own goal. Expect ill-informed shouts of ‘second ball’ from purple-faced, pie-eating supporters.

North East: A quiet afternoon in general, but do expect a squall of high-altitude Andy Carrolls on for the last ten minutes to give a different option up front. He is not expected to last long before going off injured again, and the goal drought will continue.

North West: Strong Guardiola and Klopp currents will generally keep the ball on the floor today, but there is always a chance of an expensive fancy-dan midfielder with red boots making an arse of a simple cushioned header to his keeper.

Midlands: The recent Allardyce outbreak in the West Bromwich region means vastly increased lumping of the ball up to the big man in the danger areas. A yellow set-pieces warning is in place and bruising aerial duels are expected as players give 110 per cent for the full 90 minutes or more.

Wales: Ignominious attempted diving headers will fail to make contact at the far post, and the forecast indicates ugly scuffles in the six-yard box at corners. Expect keepers making a nuisance of themselves in the opposition box in the last minute, leaving their goal gaping.

South East: There is a high chance of thunderous headers from late runs into the box today, exacerbated by poor zonal marking. Defenders are expected to berate midfielders for failing to track back properly, as irate goalkeepers hoof the ball out of the back of the net in frustration.

London: Generally fine, with some looping headers drifting harmlessly over the crossbar during the lunchtime kickoff. There is a high chance of Harry Kanes in the Tottenham region. Despite some clever flick-ons bisecting defenders, VAR will pull the play back and rule someone’s nose hair offside.

South West: Keeping focussed on the ball and being sure to keep your eyes open should avoid the worst of the 50p-heads we have been seeing over the last day or two. Nonetheless, there will be periods of not getting off the ground effectively, and being comprehensively outjumped by the smallest player on the pitch.

Europe: Stunningly improbable leaps by Cristiano Ronaldos, ruined somewhat by referees over-enthusiastically whistling for non-existent fouls. Chances will be missed for simple nut-ins at the far post by Brazilians trying spectacular overhead kicks instead.