Bugs Bonnie

I occasionally have stuff in the mighty Viz Comic. Of course, there's bits and bobs that don't get in those hallowed pages. Also I got told once that 'I ought to be ashamed of myself for writing for them' by someone who I won't name, but is actually [censored]

ANYWAY here's one that didn't quite make it. I quite like it, nonetheless.

Bugs Bonnie

Hi folks! Former child star Bonnie Langford here – you might know me as an accomplished dancer, perky Doctor Who assistant and Broadway star, whose spirit and optimism has been crushed brutally since I became a regular cast member of the notorious pit of despond and anguish, EastEnders! I’m also a massive fan of insects, viruses and tiny creatures. And judging by the size of my postbag, you guys are bug crazy too! So “bee-hive” yourselves, “wasp” are you waiting for? Let’s talk bugs! “Aphid” you’ll like it!

Bonnie xxx

Dear Bonnie,

I went into a shop yesterday and asked for a Bugg single. Imagine my surprise when the assistant wrapped up an individual insect of the order Hemiptera. I’d been expecting a record by Jake Bugg, the singer, but I’d walked into the pet shop by mistake! Mind you, it sounded better on the stereo anyway.

Aldous Crisip, Holyhead

Hi Bonnie,

I was laid low by a nasty bug the other day – I lost a boxing match to an ant.

Iron Mike Dildo, Aberdeen

Yo Bonnie,

I was shocked to find a wasp crawling on me this morning. Then I realised I was married to Blackie Lawless, the singer of 1980s cock rock band W.A.S.P. and we were having fully consensual sex.

Irene Lawless, New Joinery

Hi Bonnie,

I was shocked when my wife told me to “Hurry up, eat shit and die” this morning. Then I remembered – I am a dung beetle, I work as a colourist at a hair salon (where ‘dye’ is spelt differently), and I needed to eat my breakfast – a ball of faeces – because I was late.

Balsam Termagant, West Hat

Dear Bonnie

I got into a mix-up the other day when my husband said he was off to watch the cricket. I later found him in the garden lying face down and staring at a chirping insect of the family Gryllidae. I laughed so much I ruptured my spleen!

Brangelina Amadeus, Reading-on-Cock

Hi Bonnie,

It was a huge shock to me to find Ant and Dec had visited – until I realised that I lived on a houseboat and a member of the family Formicidae was crawling on the wooden boards that make up the floor. It was that kind of ‘ant on deck’!

Throatette Sump, High-On-Life

Hi Bonnie

I was laid low by a nasty bug the other day – I’d contracted a dose of gonorrhoea!

Glenys Bunt, Frampton-comes-Alive

Dear Bonnie,

I’m such a ninny! When I was out shopping, I thought I’d pick up a tiny, living treat for my lizard – just the one, though, because he’s a chubby little thing. Imagine my surprise when the shop assistant handed over a 7” vinyl record called ‘Lightning Bolt.’ Instead of a single bug, I had asked for a (Jake) Bugg single - I’d walked into HMV by mistake!

Aldous Crisip, Holyhead

Dear Bonnie,

My husband is a keen observer of the summer game involving bats, balls, overs and people dressed in white. I, however, prefer to utilise the stumps as a sexual aid. You could say that whilst he likes watching the cricket, I prefer crotching the wicket! We’re getting a divorce because we’re fundamentally incompatible.

Brangelina Amadeus, Reading-on-Cock

Dear Bonnie

A beetle just came into the house and sat on the telephone. You could say that my phone had been “bugged!” It was doubly ironic as both me and my partner are double agents working for Russia and the United States of America as undercover spies, and inevitably our communications are being monitored by several countries.

Justin and Madonna Assminge, Venezuela

Hi Bonnie,

My mother’s sister is called Ann and she really isn’t a fan of insects from the family Formicidae. I call her my anti-ant Auntie Ann! She rarely laughs as I’m 43 years old and ought to have grown out of it by now.

Caligula Flagon, Brinyvadge-under-Fish

Yo Bonnie,

I got into a bit of a mix-up last week when I covered the floor with flea powder. I had to giggle when I realised I was roadie for Red Hot Chilli Peppers and I’d accidentally poisoned their funksome bassist to death.

Swarfega Rockbile, Jonestown

Dear Bonnie

Why is it that when a grasshopper sheds its skin it’s considered a miracle of nature, and yet when I take my clothes off in the women’s changing rooms in Debenhams I get sent down for indecent exposure? As usual it’s one rule for Orthoptera (sub-order Caelifera) and another for the rest of us.

Brian Vapid, HMP Wrexham

Kids say the funniest things… about bugs

“I’ve found a bug in my programme,” declared my grandson, Bill, the other day. Oh how I laughed when he brandished an FA Cup Final Matchday Magazine with a cockroach crawling over it, rather than having to rewrite lines of computer code to ensure that the whole thing didn’t crash, losing hours of work because of a fucking blue fucking screen at the worst possible fucking time.

Edna Gates, Los Lobos

“I’ve found a bug in my programme,” declared my grandson, Mark, the other day. Oh how I laughed when he got down to rewrite lines of computer code that had exposed the data of a billion people including bank details, address and name of first pet to the world. I’d thought he’d found a cockroach in his FA Cup Final Matchday Magazine! Oh my days, what a palaver!

Edna Zuckerberg, Silicon Valley

My grandson Gregor made me smile yesterday. “Gran, something’s been bugging me all night,” he said. It turned out that instead of having something on his mind nagging at him, he’d been turned into a giant insect in a potent allegory of racism, control, capitalism and the perception of self! What a twat.

Mabel Samsa, Kafka-on-Sea

I had to apologise to my young nephew on his birthday – he’s a keen fan of the 1980s middle-class cod-reggae band The Police, and in particular the band’s bassist. But instead of buying him tickets to see his favourite in concert, I accidentally embroiled him in a deceptive police operation to lure him into committing a crime. I’d got him the wrong kind of Sting! He got 20 years, 10 suspended for good behaviour with 18 months knocked off for time served and I am under constant police surveillance in case of retribution.

Ida Bastard, Wobbleboard

“Come quick,” cried my daughter Emily one hot summer day, “The bees are buzzing in the garden!” I thought that was odd, as I do not have an apiary. Imagine my surprise when I remembered that I was in charge of the Glastonbury festival, and the band The Bees were on top form on the Pyramid stage (Which is technically in my garden as it is on my farmland).

M. Eavis, Gastronomy

Your Bug Jokes About Bands

Send us your best bug jokes about bands – and win £5 worth of insects!

What is a bug’s favourite band?

The Beetles! (The Beatles)

Atrophy Rampant, Lagerville

What is another bug’s favourite band?

The Crickets! (Buddy Holly and The Crickets)

Atrophy Rampant, Lagerville

What is a third bug’s favourite band?

Adam and the Ants!

Atrophy Rampant, Lagerville

Where do punky musical bugs live?

In Hives!! (The Hives)

Atrophy Rampant, Lagerville

What do you call a facility for raising insects of the family Formicidae, if it is ran by beings from another world?

An Alien Ant Farm!

Atrophy Rampant, Lagerville

What do you call a band of singing horses that can fly and go buzz?

The Bee Gees!

Atrophy Rampant, Lagerville

What do you call a 1980s metal band that is technically an arachnid and can do a venomous stang?

The Scorpions!

Atrophy Rampant, Lagerville

What do you call a tiny flying insect that stinks of piss?

Midge Urine! (Midge Ure)

Atrophy Rampant, Lagerville

Mick’s Ticks

Awright me old gardens, Danny Forest Fire ere. It really does my nut in when slags tawk a loada pony abaht yer auld apples n hugs. Sah let’s correct summa them urban smiffs.

URBAN SMIFF: A flea can jump 20 metres.

MICK SAYS: You’re avin a bubbwe ain’tcha? It’s more wike 13 inches orizontally an 7 inches apples an spurtically. Wot rock did they find you undah? TICK FACTOR: 2 outa 5

URBAN SMIFF: Earwigs crawl into your ears when you’re asleep and eat your brain.

MICK SAYS: Do me a favour! They dahn’t even wike bwains! Mind you, there’s a few punters in the Queen Vic where I do wonder, I weally do. TICK FACTOR: 1 outa 5

URBAN SMIFF: The average person eats seven spiders per year.

MICK SAYS: Do ya fink I came dahn on the last boat? Not even remotely apples an blue. TICK FACTOR: 0 outa 5

URBAN SMIFF: Cockroaches are the only animals who could survive a nuclear holocaust.

MICK SAYS: Blimey O’Reilly, if I had a bag of sand evewy time I’d eard this. Look, I ain’t sayin they carn’t, but I ain’t saying they will neiva. It depends ow much apples an fadiation there is, see? TICK FACTOR: 3 outa 5

URBAN SMIFF: Most figs contain the remains of dead wasps.

MICK SAYS: On my life this is true! Yer apples an crosp lays its eggs in a fig, see, but it loses its apples an stings in the process so carn’t fly aht again so it gets its arris stuck. Cah, that’s proper sorry innit.  TICK FACTOR: 5 outa 5

Bug Sex Chat

Uncensored BILF chat – 0200 464 799

My Th*rax Is Vibr*ting – 0200 464 795

Real M*m-S*n Illegal Insect Action – 0200 464 798

I’m Pupat*ng For You – 0200 464 797

I’m in My Nymph St*ge – 0200 464 794

I’ve milli-peed my p*nts, sniff them – 0200 467 522

It’s Swarm In Here, Help Me t*ke Off My Clothes – 0200 464 793

Ringo’s Train Talk – 0200 464 792

Lockdown Ventriloquist

AMWAT: Say no more. There's no need is there?

"Total Sports Management"

Lyrics for a song by someone who is called Matt Lucas

Yesterday evening I turned off the TV and arsed about online instead, drinking cider. On Twitter, the lovely Matt Lucas had posted a sort of song sketch he was working on, so I wrote these lyrics to it and nobody cared. Still, I think it's kinda nice.

Here's the song - click to play




And here's my half-drunk words:



Talking to neighbours... Over the fence.
Me on my deckchair. They're on their bench.
The sun smiles above us, the blue sky immense.
Keeping our distance. Comparing sheds
What is two metres between good friends?

See the magpies flying free
Kissing clouds so tenderly
Now I have the time to see
Birds dance on the wandering breeze
Wings of passion, wings of joy,
Sharing secrets, sharing dreams
Fragile zephyrs whisper hope
Earth-bound fetters hold us down

Maybe tomorrow I'll see your face
Maybe tomorrow we will embrace
Maybe tomorrow we'll pick up the threads
Piquant the memories in this sunset
Keeping our distance
Comparing sheds



Anyway he seems like a top bloke all round so go and follow him asap.

Robot symetry character

I had high hopes for this one but it didn't seem to hit the mark with the publishers who'd asked for ideas on spec. Bastards. Imagine these with suitable artwork to illustrate...

1. I am SYM-R-3

King of symmetry

I am straight like a ruler

And shiny like a mirror

Question One is ace

Cut in half these shapes

Findthe line down the middle

And we will solve the riddle

2. Half this square has gone

Please don’t get me wrong

We can put it back

Check the squares at the back

So if you can find

The straight dotted line

That is where I reside

With my mirrored side

(It is two across

And four down and then

Take the two back to

The dotted line again)

3. On the planet Klong

Things are strange and wrong

Naughty robot A-SYM-3

Has messed up the gravity

So these three whole shapes

Have been torn in half

Can we use our sight

Can we make them right?

Then on planet Klong

We will sing a happy song

4. The mayor of Klongtown

Tried to cut a tree down

But, oh no! Instead

He cut in two pieces his shed

We can draw it back

With our magic intact

But be sure to include

That tricky sloping roof!

(Remember to use the distance

Of the points from the line

Because that makes the difference

Every time!)

5. Oh no, not again!

Just as it was on the mend

The naughty A-SYM-3

Has once more broken gravity!

These shapes are pretty spiky

So use the line of symmetry

To check which of their lines

Are mirrored on the other side

(Remember you can use me

As a mirror, to see!

So let’s get to it,

One... two...three...)

6. I am SYM-R-3

King of symmetry

But my blocks of cheese

Are too big for me.

So what I need you to do

Is divide each into two

So I can freeze one half

In the land of Skaddleskarf

Where there’s ice and snow

And the polar robots go

In the planet of Klong

Where sometimes gravity goes wrong

And where we need your help

To divide things up for ourselves

I am SYM-R-3

Will you please help me?

Some sums, son

About five years ago I applied for some work which involved having to invent characters to support maths puzzles for kids. I didn't get the job, and the company was shit at replying so I reckon I had a lucky escape.

Forgot about it til I found an old laptop backup on an ext HDD. I quite like them actually.
DIVISION:

Hey there buddy, I’m your robot pal,

My full name is D-VISION but you can call me Al.

You’re looking like a helpful chum

So let’s take time and do some sums.

Here’s a problem we can see,

There’s thirteen cakes for you and me.

So let’s share them out, what a tasty treat –

But wait! How can we make this neat?

Calculating... calculating...calculating

13/2 = 6.5

* D-VISION CALCULATES ANSWER IS 6.5

(*NB Answers can be written at the back of the worksheet )

Now a naughty dog has eaten three cakes!

That leaves only 10, for goodness’ sake!

But we can practice, here’s one for you:

The dividend is 10, the divisor is 2.

Calculating... calculating...calculating

* D-VISION CALCULATES ANSWER IS 5

(*NB Answers can be written at the back of the worksheet )

At a 5-a-side match there were 135 pies

And five hungry players wanting food at half time!

Quick, friends, let’s get there to supervise

And save our team from losing tonight!

Calculating... calculating...calculating

D-VISION calculates each player eats 27 pies (and can’t run any more so misses a goal!)

(*NB Answers can be written at the back of the worksheet )

Now the bill for all those pies

Came to 153 pounds – that’s high!

Three of the club’s directors had to pay the pieman,

How much is that per person? Let’s give this one a try, man.

Calculating... calculating...calculating

D-VISION calculates each director pays 51 pounds (and doesn’t even get a pie!)

(*NB Answers can be written at the back of the worksheet )

Now my buddy Chris bought 125 pens

To write and to colour and to show his friends

There were seven of each colour in every pack

How many of each were there? Let’s give this one a crack:

(Remember we can use chunking if we like!)

Calculating...Calculating...Calculating (etc)

Sarah’s really cool and has got five cool mates

Who all went out together and ate, ate, ate!

The bill was a whopping 182 pounds

The six friends wanted to divide it fairly, all around.

Calculating...Calculating...Calculating (etc)

Now we’ve done all of our mathematics, let’s rejoice!

Let’s give a little dance, robots, girls and boys!

Division is fun, and we’ve worked really hard today

So when teacher says that it’s OK

Let’s stand up and everybody say

In a robot voice

Hip Hip…

HOORAY

It's a buzz,cock

It is half past midday on the smudgy border. Here is a tale.

___

I don't get annoyed by many things, except...

no. Let's start again. LOTS of things irritate me. Mostly politics and people who clap on a Thursday then go online and say BORIZZ IS DOOING HIZ BEZTTT and then go to have a fucking street party and do congas and VOTE TORY.

I've gone way off the point already. Start again Joe.

___

When I am writing, sometimes, or working on something, and concentrating.

Too many commas. Hang on. RESET.

___

I try and concentrate but I seem to have either a short attention span or a very sensitive um.

What is the word?

I don't like being interrupted if I'm working, on my own, although in an office I can do it of course. That's weird isn't it. I spose it's totally situational.

Course it is. Fucks sake.

___

OK so flies sometimes come in when I'm working and they fucking annoy me. I cannot stand the fucking buzzing shitfucks.

That's better.

So they stop me working and therefore I chase the cunts around with a stupid little plazzy tennis racket thing that I electrocute myself with more than I catch one.

The cats have given up; they don't even bother trying to get em anymore.

They don't go after things that buzz. I assume cause wasps and bees have both stung them in previous chases. Which is quite sensible really.

So it means I am chief shithead fly-getter. I don't really like doing it but these flying turd-eating, egg-laying-on-food bastards are horrible little fuckers and I don't want them in my house. It makes me feel sick.

Today just now just a minute ago I heard buzzy buzz buzz and I thought FUCKING BASTARDS FUCK YOU and went to get the fucking flies...
_____

FLASHBACK AT THIS POINT PLEASE CHEERS


Earlier today, say 10am or thereabouts, I came down from my Saturday lie-in to get the paper wot had been delivered and make cups of tea and stuff.

On the windowsill, on the inside, was a dying, exhausted bee.

I gave him some sugary water.

I even gave him honey. Was that taking the piss? They don't eat honey do they? Fuck.

Cows don't drink milk. You don't put toast in the toaster. And all that.

He flopped about on his back and couldn't turn over. I tried to gently use a cotton bud to help. He kept falling back over.

I could however see his tiny proboscis thing sucking and slurping at the sugary water.

This carried on for about ten minutes.

When I googled it, I saw that it was likely that this was an old bee, just coming to the end of his bee days, and just going the way nature demands we all do, one day.

So I thought, well. Poor little bee, but at least you had a lovely final meal.

And I very, very gently took the little plastic lid I was using for his food, with a dying bee slurping up sugar as he faded from this world, and I ever-so-softly placed him in the scented rest of a flower. He flopped about, hardly able to get a grip on the nectary stamen.

I even made up a little song: "Poor little bee, lovely little bee, go to sleep, go to sleep". I mean, I'm soft as shit really. Poor little bee. Hopefully little bee had a sense of comfort or even luxury as he bee-d his last, and became a has-been bee. A has-bee.

I sighed, made tea and coffee and gluten-free toast, and took it all upstairs so we could read the paper in bed. It's a lovely thing to do on a weekend if you can. Comforting. Luxurious, really. These things are important to us too.

END OF FLASHBACK TA

____

I drifted back to sleep for a bit. Then I got up, and played some piano, and got told off cos it was too loud, and sulked.

I opened up my computer, to check soccermanager and other such nonsense.

The fucking buzzing flies came back. Little fucking bastards. I hate them so much. They are somehow dirty. I dunno. So I got my fly-swat tennis bat thing ready. Little shits. I sometimes can get them, but if I can get them to just fuck off outside that's good enough.

Buzz fucking buzz.

This time, though, it wasn't flies or bluebottles.

It was a pair of honey bees.

I said: "Oh hello bees - nothing for you here, but this way is the garden", and gently showed them the open windows.

Off they went with a final buzzy flourish. I like bees. I would stroke them if I could. They seem so benign and pure.

___

Then I caught the fleeting wing of a thought. And a half-remembered tune.

I went to check the flower.

The bee, my has-bee, the lovely little sleepy bee, was no longer there.
____


I mean, what do we really know about the creatures we share the world with? What do we really know?

We know what they do but we don't really know why. We have theories of evolution and gene replication and instinct and et cetera et cetera. True, too, that every year we get surprised by what animals can do: monkeys entering the stone age. Corvids and octopuses doing amazing things with counting and... yeah.

And - so, well, bear with me here:

We do know that some bees do a waggledance don't they.

To tell others in their hive where the good stuff is.


___


I have never had bees come into the kitchen before.

___

Never.

___