COPYRIGHT JOLLYWOOD STUDIO AL RITES TRAVERSED 2021 OK NO FUNY BUYSNES U COK
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FAde In:
PRE CREDITS
NEW YORK. 10pm. Another busy night on the streets. Cars whizz past. It is raining and dark. People scurry back and forth. TWO CHARACTERS are sheltering underneath a cafe awning. We cannot quite make out their features in the gloom, but suffice it to say they are both unutterable cunts.
Character 1
Huh could it be any more raining.
Character 2
Huh I like a food booob What are YOU doingk
Character 1
Could I RAINING more better
Character 2
huh sex uh uh
FADE TO
CAFE, INT. It may once have been a hip place for awesome people to sit on chairs backwards and talk absolute inane fuckheadness about their fucking ridiculous and quite insufferable lives, but no longer. It has one sad, buzzing bulb, flickering. A bedraggled SOFA stinks near the battered old SERVING COUNTER, on which an exhausted-looking bald man leans. He is wearing stupid fucking braces or some shit and a stripy shirt, and an apron. He is crying into a filthy mop.
STRIPEY MAN
I have wasted my life.
(BEAT)
A BELL tinkles. That must be the door! STRIPEY MAN LOOKS UP, excitedly. Could it be her? But no, it’s just the wind.
STRIPEY MAN
Not even a ghost. This is worse than a million deaths.
ROLL CREDITS: A mournful dirge as the camera jerkily pans, cheap and outdated, from left to right. In the background is a half-ruined ornamental fountain, covered in graffiti and dogshit. The water has long since drained away, to be replaced by puke, stagnant foulness and inhuman stains. A TRAMP lurches into view, shouting incoherently as he first notices then approaches the camera. In a rage, he rushes at the camera, which falls over. Our view is of a bleak, unforgiving sky.
FX: Zip
FX: sounds of tramp pissing on camera
FADE IN:
SCENE
ONE
EXT. SHOT: WIDE ON RIKER’S ISLAND
TIGHT SHOT: RIKER’S ISLAND CEMETERY. A perfunctory funeral is taking place. There is a rabbi, and an inmate chained to two guards.
RABBI
[Speaks Yiddish, chants Psalms, leads the Kaddish]
INMATE (Sotto voce, TRIUMPHANT):
Bronto was reclassified in 2015 as a separate genus from Apatosaurus, you dumb fuck.
The GUARDS take him away, without any further action. He has not been able to help fill the grave.
PAN OUT TO O/H DRONE VIEW
C/FADE TO:
CONTROL ROOM, full of video screens of similar funerals in various
places. REFLECTED in a certain screen is a WOMAN’s FACE.
WOMAN
You stupid goddamn motherfucker. They got to you too. You just wouldn’t listen would you. You dumbass.
She SLAMS her fist on the control unit. The picture cracks.
WIDE SHOT of full CONTROL ROOM. TWO OTHER WOMEN are in there with her.
WOMAN 2:
He’s uh you know star signs massage ooo look I am quirky lol smell my cat
WOMAN does not turn round. But we can see her shaking with rage.
WOMAN 2:
I am bad at guitar u know but everyone love me at the same time because I am some kind of non-threatening hippy only to the extent that I wear different clothes than the rest eee hooo hooooooo nwwwooooowoooo
WOMAN turns around and shoots her, as well as WOMAN 3, who just looks pretty with a fun haircut and a sassy attitude and is possibly the worst of the lot.
WOMAN
Goddamn hippy stinking motherfucker.
She turns back to the CONSOLE and waggles a joystick. One of the feeds starts to jerkily zoom in on the COFFEE SHOP we saw pre-credits.
The WOMAN smiles, and presses the big red button.
FX: EXPLOSION
FX: COFFEE SHOP IN RUBBLE. Through the choking smoke. We see parts of the TWO CUNTS from the awning, quite dead now, hither and thither. One of their stupid, fat heads rolls into the gutter, where a stray DOG pisses on it.
FAde Out TO FINAL CREDITS:
FREMZ
REUNIUONS
the end
POST CREDITS
From deep underneath the smoking, jagged, destroyed COFFEE SHOP we can hear a single mournful voice, way in the distance. It seems unearthly. Troubled. Lost. Lovelorn. It is STRIPEY MAN, somewhere beneath it all, and he wails.
Voice of STRIPEY MAN
She’s not even that fit.
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CAST
STRIPEY MAN: GUNTERS
TWO CUNTS: JOYEY AMND CHPADLER
INMATE: ROSES
WIMAN: MONIKSA
WIANS2: FEBEE
WIMMSA 3: RAELCH
GUARDS: ZIG AND ZAG
RABBI: VING RHAMES
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