The Collected Wisdom of Craig

At one stage I was convinced I wanted to be a music producer. The fact I couldn't be arsed to learn about mics, staging, signal noise, blah blah blah and wasn't very good at it anyway should have told me different. Still, even despite my boredom with mathematics and utter coldness when faced with discussions about valves and compressors and shit, I still hung on to the idea.

Then, 16 years ago, I did a project with a solo singer. The idea, which we'd discussed over a pint at various gigs, was that I'd get some top-notch musicians together to back him and build up from his acoustic solo tracks into something big, poppy and brilliant. Looking at my notes I had a pianist, a string section, drummer and bassist ready to go, plus female backing vocals from someone I think I wanted to fuck but... didn't (which was a common thread then and in fact throughout my teens and twenties. Oh OK also the first half of my thirties too. Sheesh). On board was a fine and excellent engineer who has gone on to have lots of success in studio and live work all over the world.

Anyway what happened was that this songwriter then decided to start a band of his own, with his own musicians, and so we now had a three-piece**. Obviously that changed it all pretty quickly but there was still an idea there. It was worth doing. He was 21ish at the time and actually pretty good. The new approach was alright: it didn't have to be a full-on mega-production. A groovy, stripped-back band would also be cool. I mean, I love Cowboy Junkies and The Trinity Session is bloody wonderful.

But a mix of what I assumed to be cocaine-led hubris and immaturity meant that he and his crew of idiots knocked down the ideas we'd had to record him properly and carefully. So instead of six or seven sessions of 8+ hours each, we ended up with a single three-hour Sunday afternoon live recording. Which they were about two hours late to.

What irks me the most is that I missed a guest lecture by Susannah Hoffs to do one of the fucking recording sessions that we had to abandon. SUSANNAH HOFFS! I'll not forgive this no-mark never-was cunt for that one, not ever.

Anyway his guitarist - who wasn't even that good - had an ego on him the size of, oh let's say, "A fucking complete arsehole wanker who is full of fucking shit and deserves to end up on the end of a bar telling everyone what a shit business music is because he's a complete failure and never got anywhere."

Today when I was looking for something deep in the file system of an old HDD, I found a document of this dickhead's utterances. His name was, and might still be, Craig.

I present to you his wisdom as I wrote it down at the time, direct from 2003.

AKA the final nail in the coffin of my production/recording aspirations. I should thank them, I spose.

The Collected Wisdom Of Craig

“I’m the artist, you’re the scientist”

“Don’t you know Rule Number One – never mic up the bass”

“We only want to use the first take. Everything on the first take, captures the band that way” (JS: ‘Do you want to run through the songs a couple of times so you can get loose’ Craig: “No, we only do the first take, you’re not listening”)

“That sounds too forward” (JS: ‘Shall I Turn It Down Then?’ Craig: “No that won’t help, it’s forward, you know what I mean?”)

“That bass sounds miles away, there’s no wood in it, I want to hear wood” (JS: ‘Well we can change the way the amp sounds, easy, no probs’ (The put-upon bassist, who was sound: “I like the sound, don’t touch it”)

“We want a Miles Davis Drum Sound” (what era?)

“We don’t want compression or any of that shit on anything, we’re not Oasis”

“Studios are shit, it’s not music any more, it’s just numbers”

“The only mic you need is one stereo valve mic in a room”

“The best way of recording is with one five-pound computer mic in front of my PC”

“I want endless reverb on that”

“Imperfections are what makes music great” (although I sort of agree with this one)

“My last band got mentioned in NME, and you know when that happens you get America on the phone the next day don’t you?”

“It’s dead annoying really, trying to have a quiet drink and the girls won’t leave me alone after I was mentioned in the NME, but you’ve just got to smile and be nice to them, it’s part of the job isn’t it?”

“When you’re mixing this, make sure you think of the band like a shelf, right, and my guitars are round the corner and underneath, not panned or anything, you know what I mean?”

In the Mix: “What the f**k do you think you’re doing, what are you trying to get away with here lads? I heard toms in the left speaker, I don’t want anything panned or anything like that overproduced crap” (JS: ‘So you want the drums in mono?’ Craig: “No, I want them in the middle”)

In The Mix: “Why can’t I turn the toms down?” JS:’Cause we didn’t mic them up because you didn’t want us to’ Craig: ”Fuckin Disgrace this place is”)

And from his incredibly helpful mate, commenting on the percussive, hand-slap sound on the main acoustic guitar on a certain song: “You can draw that out with a pencil in Pro Tools, dead easy that.” (It isn't, because it sounds shite if you do.)

** I forgot the drummer. I think he was quite normal and happy to do whatever.