Puppy not what it seemed

Family’s adopted puppy was not what it seemed

By Arnold Fuck

It was a cute little thing, sitting there just waiting to be adopted. Just a youngster, hardly weaned from his mother – and with quite the appetite. Mrs. Edna Fungus and her family just had to take him home.

“His pleading little eyes and funny little cheeky nose just made us melt,” said Mrs. Fungus. “So we took him home as the newest member of our happy family. The kids were delighted to have a puppy to play with. We named him Rover, because we literally have no imagination.”

But as the months went on, the puppy started to display some odd behaviour, according to its puzzled owner.

“Rather than playing dead, chasing his favourite tennis ball or sniffing other dogs’ arses in the park, Rover preferred squishing the moisture out of elephant shit into his mouth, eating squishy larvae and maggots, and cutting up camels so he could sleep inside.”

Piss

As Rover grew, he also switched to walking on two legs, insisting on climbing up sheer rock faces and jumping out of helicopters into jungles. It slowly dawned on Mrs. Fungus that the cute little doggie she’d thought she’d adopted wasn’t a hound at all.

“I looked again at little Rover, dressed as usual in a parka with knives in the pockets, shorts, and his own pissy T-shirt round his head to keep him hydrated,” she revealed. “My suspicions were further raised when the little imp began going on about his days in the SAS over and over again, and all the situations in which he’d had to drink his own piss to survive.”

“The penny finally dropped when, ostensibly on a survival mission, my little Rover had actually booked into a motel rather than constructing a makeshift shelter out of reeds, tree roots and ferns. It turns out that I’d actually adopted a Bear Grylls by mistake.”

Wildlife expert Roy Mears explained that a mature Grylls was not suitable as a family pet.

“A fully-grown Bear Grylls can reach over six feet in height, and with their second dan black belt karate skills plus unique ability to find an excuse drink their own piss every five minutes they present a real danger. Anyone who thinks their dog may display Grylls-like traits, such as climbing up Everest, paragliding in the Himalayas or joking with President Obama, should contact the authorities immediately.”

Mrs. Fungus added that the family had been lucky to get away without serious injury.

“Rover, or I should say our Grylls, never attacked us,” she said. “But we won’t make the same mistake again.”

Wildlife experts were called in and waited until the Grylls was busy constructing a makeshift raft out of wild boar bladders, sheep’s stomachs and twigs before luring him into a special luxury motel where he was destroyed humanely .