David Blaine announces new stunt

The world of illusion was thrown into a state of great excitement today with the news that David Blaine is to perform his greatest stunt so far.

At a special press conference yesterday, Blaine (41) announced that he was in training for a planned long-term endurance feat entitled Man With Real Job.

“Uh...,” mumbled the bearded thaumaturge, showing assembled journalists a painted eye on his palm like a big bell whiff.

 “Uh,” he added.

DeForrest Q. Zephyr, spokesman, later outlined Blaine’s plans.

“David is going to spend the next 25 years working as a paper-shuffler at a local government agency,” said Ms. Zephyr.

“For the first two or three years he plans to throw himself into his work, hoping to catch the eye of his boss as an efficient and trustworthy employee. He expects at this stage to gain promotion to the next level of his job, which comes with a rise in his paltry pay which he will not notice due to rising costs of his mortgage which he can already barely afford.”

At the same time Blaine will try to chat up the girl from accounts, failing time and again to catch her attention, and instead embark on a series of dates set up through social media.

“David expects to marry one of the least insane ones,” continued Ms. Zephyr, “And squirt out two or three kids, which will put further strain on his financial and mental health.”

Tight buttocks

The Brooklyn magus  will then spend the next ten to fifteen years gradually watching his dreams die in front of him whilst younger and more dynamic employees with better teeth and tighter buttocks sprint past his middle-management position with not a care in the world.

“At this stage, David will cultivate a secret drinking habit that will finally rob him of any aspects of his former ambition,” Ms. Zephyr said. “This will coincide with a hamfisted affair with a now-divorced former flame gone to seed and the loss of his sexual prowess with his wife, who herself has become bitter at David for robbing her of perceived opportunities to travel and pursue her own interests.”

As Blaine’s children reach puberty, added the spokesman, they will see their father as a failure as a role model, a provider, and ultimately as a man.

“David anticipates that at this stage his very life will be perceived as having been worthless by his progeny, the very ones who ought to love him unconditionally,” Ms. Zephyr noted.

“He will contemplate suicide in a half-arsed manner but carry on doggedly pushing pieces of paper around, now fully empty inside of anything that once made him unique.”

Ultimately, the two-decade stunt will culminate in Blaine going through a costly divorce. The New Yorker will also work for years beyond normal retirement age due to the shrinking of his pension pot which has not kept up with inflation despite him paying into it for a quarter of a century.

“The stunt has an exciting finish,” Ms. Zephyr concluded. “Will David make himself disappear through a lonely chair, rope and light fitting? Or freeze to death with an unopened pot noodle in his hand due to not being able to afford to both eat and heat?

“You’ll have to wait and see!”

Man With Real Job follows on from previous David Blaine spectaculars including Standing on a Pole Like A Prick, Sitting in Some Ice Like Some Sort of Arsehole and Lying Down in a Glass Box over the Thames Like A Complete Twat.