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Friday 5 June 2015

21st Century politics: a primer


·         It is essential to have people buy into these narratives.

·         This is done by the tone, push and propaganda hammered home by the media day after day over a period of several years.

·         Repetition is key to even the most blatantly biased sloganeering.

·         Truth is not a fixed or reliable concept.

·         The ultimate aim is to unsettle and discourage the populace through infighting whilst we get on with the important business of accumulating more power and wealth to play with.

·         Here are some ideas to get the nascent politician started:

o   If you are poor, it is your fault.

o   If you are rich, you deserve it. You have worked hard. Or your parents worked hard. Or their parents. Look, someone has worked hard. Have more money.

o   Banks lend money to people who do not need it.

o   People’s taxes go to bail out banks when they have fucked things up. This is free money, and a one-way exchange.

o   You have worked hard to accumulate your possessions and your family. Everyone else is out to take your money.

o   There are gangs of thieves out to rip you off. This does not of course include the banks, government, or those who have worked hard to be rich. It is the people who are poorer and therefore more stupid and dangerous than you.

o   Foreign aid is evil.

o   Bombs are essential.

o   If you have done nothing wrong you have nothing to worry about. Surveillance is vital.

o   Those other people, do you see them? They look suspicious don’t they? Don’t you think? Isn’t it strange how they’re over there doing things? Be very careful. They want to do something different. That is unacceptable.

o   Those people are idle. Look at them. Too lazy to want to work. Too lazy not to have functioning bodies.

o   Mental health is a myth. It is a lie spread by the left wing to excuse idle behaviour.

o   You work hard. Harder. Harder! This is the only way to a brighter future.

o   Buy more things! This is essential for: the economy; happiness; your family; keeping money circulating. It is your fault if the economy is weak! Spend more! Work harder!

o   Big business knows what it is doing.

o   Renewable technology is not feasible and never will be. Look at that stupid hippy living in a mud hut! Fucking hell, it’s 2015! Look, I’ve got a Nutribullet! Don’t you want one? It’s healthy you nutcase.

o   That party opposite wants to take all of your money and kill your ambitions. If you vote for them they will steal all of your possessions and give them to poor people. Those things you worked hard for! Given to those too idle and stupid to have money! They will take your money and spend it on magic beans.

o   Anyone who is in receipt of benefits should not own the following:
§  A television
§  A pint of beer
§  Nice clothes
§  Pets
§  Children
§  Houses
§  Status

·         Now my friend you are ready to enter UK politics.

·          Remember: anyone who contradicts you, apart from yourself, is an evil liar. All of the above suggestions are of course entirely open to change to fit the narrative you are currently indulging in with your friends.

·         You are rich because you deserve it.

·         You have power because people agreed that you deserve it because you are better than them. Never forget this.

·         Your decisions are better because you are better. Never explain yourself.


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