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Tuesday 19 August 2014

God of all the Zombies (2013)

God had come home drunk again
His mother wasn't all that happy
And Mrs. God was on the verge
Of giving his fizzgog a slappy.

She said:
"every time you neck some whiskies with your little mate Chris
you come home half-transparent, wondering if you really exist.
I rue the day you saw the way to create that boy Hitchens."
But God just shrugged and staggered into the Holy kitchen.

God's ma said, "look here son
You gotta think 'bout tomorrow;
This ain't the way the world is run -
Get on the straight and narrow"

God looked up from his donner kebab of infinite dimension,
The chilli sauce he'd created took up most of his attention.
Omnipotent or not, he was sick of the introspection
As his mother opened Heavenly Times' employment section.

"Look, see here," she said, "under Employment Opportunities:
'Experienced God required to rule all of the zombies.
Must be an insecure egotist with episodes of violence
Prone to contradiction and sense of entitlement;
Must expect followers to worship without question;
Must punish priests and holy men for getting an erection;

And when men build a tower to you with a view to understanding
Ensure you confound them so they now can't talk each other's language,
And when you get a loyal one, in a devil's wager, take the bet
To kill his kids and take his land and even better yet
Destroy all that he believed in, make him think he's in your debt
When really all you're doing is being a childish stroppy get.'"


God put his hands on his mighty knees,
This wasn't going well;
He knew his hangover was gonna be
An awful thunderclap of hell.

God opened up his lager fridge but he was out of Skol
So he called upon his seraphim to bring him alcohol
And as he did, the doorbell rang - his order was fulfilled
Of Jaegermeister, double shot, the glass quite nicely chilled.

Mabel kept on reading from the advert to her errant godly son.
She said: I really think that you would have a good chance with this one. (Ch- Check it:)
'Must invent free will then punish those who choose to exercise it,
Say they are able to choose their path, then make their pain infernal
If they deviate from what you say - and make that pain eternal.
Don't specify the how and why, they're soldiers, you're the Colonel, 
So knuckle down and pray all day, your life is mine in total.

"CVs and applications must be received by the big crunch
We will advise re. interviews by the time we have our lunch.
Note that we cannot contact unsuccessful applicants
Enclose some recent references from your supplicants,
And send a recent picture of you in your underpants
To prove you have no navel and fulfil our requirements.'"

At last, God realised the game,
He roared with godly mirth:
It was just Lucifer again
From way below the earth.

God said:
"Thank you, mam, for your kind help but it's just not for me;
I think you'll find that advert false, it's easy now to see
The forwarding address is that of a shell company in Cayman
Incorporated in Delaware, if I am not mistaken.
There isn't any vacancy - no bread there for the breakin'
No need for intervention there, no need for earthly quakin'
My followers, fans and fanatics here on earth, it's plain to see
Are already living without brains: they're already zombies."

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