I've been trying to get topical one-liners onto a radio show for a few weeks, with no success so far. It's much harder than you'd think.
Such a lot of moving parts: the joke, its delivery, the cadences, where the emphases fall, the appropriateness of it to the show, the expectations of the audience... it's poetry and it's a beautiful writing challenge. Without getting too Giles Coren about it, it really does make a massive difference if your rhythm is off. I'm enjoying learning as I go, though. It has some clear parallels with news writing, particularly for broadcast and for packages which I've done quite a bit over the years for radio and a bit for telly here and there. Discipline is key to this; word choice can make or break the whole idea, too. Fascinating.
Usually the jokes are based on current news events. I think I've noticed a few themes running through what I've been submitting: plays on words, attempts to disguise punchlines, distraction, reclamation of cheese and puns, leading down one path then making a handbrake turn... anyway here's a few. I think some are a touch cheap, but some I'm quite pleased with. My technique is coming along, too. Some don't work in retrospect. Some work better. Anyway all academic as none got chosen.
I'll never do stand-up, and I'm in awe of those who can articulate themselves so well onstage under pressure - as well as ad lib when needed. As it is, the written word comes to life in a very different way when performed. It helps, too, that it's the same person presenting every week. The challenge is to find things that sound natural coming out of their mouth, with their honed delivery and professionalism. Lots going on. Anyway I reckon I'm probably more excited by comedy than music these days, which given my long background as a music journo is quite the realisation. It's not one or the other of course. That'd be frankly daft. Anyway.
FAILED ONE-LINERS OCT-DEC 2024
Germany is being overrun by a gaze of invasive raccoons. One enterprising butcher there reckons he can solve it by culling them and making them into sausages. Not the best idea, not the wurst.
Moat Brae mansion, where Peter Pan author JM Barrie played as a kid, has closed, leaving investors out of pocket. Dumfries and Galloway, several hundred thousand pounds in the hole, said they were trying to claw back their funding. “If they’re trying to get themselves off the Hook, they’re living in Never-Neverland. Wendy wake up to the facts, they’ll realise their money’s Lost, Boys,” said a representative of the owners, Tink. R. Bell. I refuse to apologise.
A British collector of housebricks has run out of room and is hoping a museum will take all 4,000 of them. If only he could think of a way to knock up a building himself.
The youngest ever Chinese taikonauts have reached space. Their mission includes fly-bys of Button Moon, the planet of the Clangers, and Q Pootle 5, before returning to Earth with the taikonauts in suspended animation, or as they call it, ‘nap time’.
Researchers in Japan have discovered that chimpanzees perform better at tricky tasks when they’re being watched by humans. So if you were ever wondering why we record in front of a live studio audience...
Donald Trump’s son, Eric, has confirmed that his dad will visit Aberdeenshire in 2025, to open his new golf course.
Janey Godley’s daughter, Ashley Storrie, is designing a new sign for the occasion. (She already has the first three words: ‘Trump is a’ … )
Social Network news now, and there has been a massive migration away from X, formerly Twitter, with millions of disgruntled punters joining Bluesky instead.
However, Sir Keir Starmer said that there were ‘no plans’ for the UK government to move away from Elon Musk’s app.
Once considered a welcome breath of fresh air, but in recent months a tainted, unreliable and toxic brand, the Labour party won the 2024 election by a landslide.
An unknown Glasgow-based violinist stepped in to play with The Corrs, after Sharon had to pull out of Sunday’s gig at the Hydro.
Éadaoin Ní Mhaicín had just one soundcheck to run through the songs beforehand, and said she fulfilled a childhood dream onstage.
Of course, many of us have our own dreams about fiddling with Andrea.
Veteran rocker Rod Stewart is set for the Legends slot at Glastonbury 2025.
A byword for hedonist excess, booze and sex in muddy corners since the 1970s, Rod is 79 years old.
Ebeneezer Scrooge’s gravestone, used in the 1984 movie adaptation of A Christmas Carol, has been destroyed by vandals.
Eyewitnesses spotted three ghostly figures fleeing the scene, but police described current evidence as ‘miserly’.
Ed Sheeran has said sorry to the new manager of Manchester United, after gatecrashing a live pitchside interview.
United boss Ruben Amorim said it was the most effective intervention on the field he’d seen all season. Sheeran starts in midfield versus Everton on Sunday.
Britain’s obesity crisis is down to the Church of England failing to provide people with spiritual sustenance, according to Boris Johnson.
Seems the former prime minister remains obsessed with enriching our souls.
East 17 singer Brian Harvey has urged Vladimir Putin not to send nukes to bomb the UK.
In an impassioned YouTube rant, Harvey explained that he’d toured Russia and loved the country and the people. Though he had to go away, he didn’t want to take the pain, so he asked Putin to strafe another day.
The surgeon to the pope has been accused of fraud after saying he was in the operating theatre, when actually he was hundreds of miles away - on the beach.
Luckily for Sergio Alfieri, he collects his wages through an app - so he has PayPal immunity.
A UK ticket holder has won 177 million pounds on the EuroMillions, the third biggest National Lottery win ever.
They told reporters: “Byeeeeee”
Conservationists have called an AI tool which can distinguish between grey and red squirrels ‘an absolute game changer’. Squirrel Agent can automatically allow only the endangered native reds into special feeders, whereas the larger invasive greys are forced to consume contraceptives instead.
Elsewhere today, sales of Rimmel red hair dye have gone nuts.
Dundee University, beset by cash troubles, has said that a £7,000 trip to Hong Kong has generated more than ten times that in revenue.
It would have been more, but the final roulette ball landed on red instead of black.
A previously-unknown 1830s waltz by composer Frederic Chopin has been unearthed by a New York museum. It’s the second longest time between new releases this week after The Cure’s latest album.
The Wall Street Journal has reported that Elon Musk and Vladimir Putin have been in regular touch for the last two years. A volatile and capricious dictator spreading misinformation to destabilise democracy, Mr. Musk bought Twitter in 2022.
Pippa Middleton is in the middle of a row as she blocked off a footpath crossing the back of her £15 million Berkshire estate. Local ramblers complained that they have lost access to one of the world’s greatest rear views.
(OR
Pippa Middleton is in the middle of a row as she blocked off a footpath crossing the back of her £15 million Berkshire estate. It’s not the first time her back passage has been in the headlines.)
Glasgow doctor and TV presenter Punam Krishan was voted off Strictly Come Dancing this week. We tried to get a quote but were told by her receptionist that it’s a three week wait for an appointment.
(OR
Glasgow doctor and TV presenter Punam Krishan was voted off Strictly Come Dancing this week. We tried to get a quote but were told by her receptionist that it’d be three weeks before we could see her.)
