Joe Shooman writes: March 2020

Saturday, 28 March 2020

I write every day, more or less

Sometimes it's good.

Sometimes it's this.

Tuesday, 24 March 2020

Rot Away Beach (song for Zombie Musical)

Well

The last time an angel fell to Earth

Mrs Gladys Presley gave him birth

In life that boy felt all alone

Now he’s dead, he’s jamming with Johnny Ramone

And they’re on the bill tonight

At Rot Away Beach

Little Robbie Johnson sold me his soul

And I gave him the secret of rock and roll

He burnt out slick, he burnt out fast

He’ll never die, he’s coming back

Tonight for one last set

At Rot Away Beach

The Mariner stops one in three

With dreadful sigh, and slovenly

An albatross around his neck

Eternally cursed to rime his dreck

On the laudanum poet stage

At Rot Away Beach

Compere for the whole shebang

Is good ol’ JC, the son of man

So, atheist or true believer

One thing’s sure: you’ll never leave here

Are you ready to die on down

To Rot Away Beach?

Rap:

I’m J to the E to the Sus to the C, the dopest motherfucker that walked on the sea

Give me a loaf and a couple of fish and I’ll boost them for dinner after burnin this spliff BOOM

Cruisin in Gethsemane with my motherfuckin crew, blazin up in Nazareth with the gentiles and the Jews

My homeboys all around me, yeah twelve an true, yo Judas hang tight I got my eye on you

Talkin to the big man in the castle in the sky, he gonna send me an Uzi when I fight the holy fight

I hear your shitty prayers “Oh Lord we do beseech thee,” b-b- back up before you get smacked up, fool, I’m just a-smoking with my homeys (uh-oh)

Don’t fuck with me, I ain’t bringing peace, I’m gonna divide you each from each

Father gainst Son gainst mother gainst daughter, in a mess of righteous pain and full-fat slaughter

I bring fire to the earth BOOM fire to the earth BOOM I bring fire to the earth BOOM That shit ain’t in no psalms an I say

Yo Lazarus

pick up your bed

and

Dance motherfucker, dance dance motherfucker, dance motherfucker, dance dance motherfucker

We going to Rotaway beach

Rot rot, Rot Away beach

Rot, rot, Rot Away beach (rpt to fade)

Story Time With Doctor Scheuss

Andy is in Tonypandy

With Mandy

Drinking brandy

Joe likes Mandy

but Mandy kisses Sandy

and Sandy wants Candy

And Candy wants Andy

So squelch and splat they go

And Joe

Doesn’t know.

Dave is in another rave

He hopes and prays

That these shrooms are OK

That this time friends will play

But they’ve all gone away

Dave tries to be brave

But the puke come in waves

And the lights burn his brain

He just wants to be saved

Shaking, scared in the shadows

with the spiders and the shysters,

Alone, tripping, spun out, eyes aglow

He wants a face he knows

But Joe

Doesn’t know.

A girl in Thurle

Plays with her curls

She hopes one day

To see the world

But she’s locked down

For spreading germs

And now she’s forced

To funk and fume

“One day,” she says

“I’ll have my turn,

I’ll fight and spit

And fuck and gurn

By old bodies

Of ancient bones

I’ll take my time,

I’ll make my list,

My polished gun

Will shoot them down”.

And Joe

Didn’t Know.

Joe went and Joe played

Usually, he was OK.

He travelled places

And never stayed

And back he came

For one more day.

Candy and Sandy

Diffused into madness.

Andy and Mandy

Kept lighter fuel handy.

Cause outside there was dirt,

There was danger. A girl

With a gun had rampaged

And no-one escaped.

Her wrath at the world

Carved holes in its face.

Beside her was Dave

Still spinning in space

Dressed in his dress

Rictus grin on his face

In an extra dimension

It made perfect sense

The girl from Thurle

And Dave had merged.

They would never be saved.

There was no way to grace

So they waved round the gun,

Cackling scrawly rhythms

Singing in tongues

The twohead in one.

Then a man crossed their path

Because he didn’t know,

So they saw their big chance

And aimed at him.

So.

His bloodless eyes stared

Blankly back at them all,

And at his last

At the last

Joe

Did

Know.

Monday, 23 March 2020

Day Dot In the Big Brother Country

Some went to stockpile the rolls for their shits

From all of that pasta they’d grabbed – greedy pricks.

The papers screamed panic; the shelves emptied quick

Cause idiots finally had their own Blitz.

But that was a walk in the park

Because things were about to get dark.

On the last night they piled in the pubs for last orders

One blowout before their confinement in quarters;

Each pint a defiant one, cleaning the sawdust

From alcohol handwash piled up by the hoarders.

You can’t blame them, not really: cause life must go on -

But sometimes, like now-times, that cliché was wrong.

Still, spirits were high; “We are in the same boat,

We’ve seen off the Bosch and the EU. You know,

We voted, we’re out, boys, we took back control

So God Save the Queen, cause this lion can roar”.

And the red-faced drunks chanted and puked and spread shame

And were herded away like the pigs they became.

Those that stayed home kept a distance apart

Except for the brainless ones driving their cars

To Wales and Cornwall and caravan parks

And second homes. Tailbacks of rampaging sharks.

But covid diffused on the mountain-cool breezes

And coughing fits scattered the sand from the beaches.

And the death rates shot up as the shutters smashed down

And the ghosts of the living dead shuffled around

And the dog walkers, terrified, drove out of town

To find somewhere. Anywhere. Non-human ground.

But everyone had the exact same idea.

So the countryside rattled with people and fear.

A billionaire called for a government bailout -

A socialist now that the cashflow had failed, but

The money was found somehow. Miracle payouts!

A magic tree appeared! The true holy grail! Wow!

Portentous indeed were the bones of the shelving,

The gasping, the grasping, the sense of an ending.

Defunded, demoralised, demonised, dying,

The NHS suddenly was held as a shining

And wonderful thing. “Help them, please, they are trying

Their best. They are heroes.” - The government, lying.

So after a decade, financial starvation

Was ended, for now, for this new situation.

Of course, social media’s anything but

What it claims. Yes, it’s better than heading on out

But it’s dangerous, too. So watch out for the rush

To the shops, to the parks, to the back doors of pubs -

Cause we’re only one Internet failure from terror:

If it goes down, we'll watch the world burning together.

Saturday, 7 March 2020

Shopping Lists I Have Found

I ought to thank my good mate Barry Jones for this, cos he has at various times been a kind of Womble, picking up bits of paper off of the floor. So, I decided to follow in his footsteps; here's some shopping lists I have found. I will update this doc every time I get a new one.

7/3/20: Cotton Pads, Squash, Alcohol, Menthol Filters. Heron Foods.

9/3/20: Blood oranges? Stamps, Chester furniture Gumtree, Library books, Washing, Passionfruit, Iced buns? Granary Bread. Library.

(They'd been to M&S and bought:

)

10/3/20: Mince, Pasta, Rice, Sauces (Pasta etc). Mayo, Fruit, Veg/Salad. Noodles. Joints of meat. Veg oil. Bread. Milk, Butter, Cheese. / Slices. Eggs. Toilet Rolls, Bleach. Handwash. Shampoo + Condl_. Toothpaste, Shower gel. Kitchen Roll. Crackers. Pizza's, Sausages, Fish Fingers. Crisps, Chocolate, Biscuits, Yoghurts. Aldi.

13/3/20 B+M Going to do...
1. T-BAGS SUGAR.
2. BLEACH. LenOR.
3. CAT FOOD.
4. DOG FOOD.
__________

5. Chicken. ALDi
6. Mince.
7. Pies WATER.
8. POTS FRuit.
9. VEG. x4.
10. Cherries + Berries.
11. TOILET Roll.
12. Caserole.
13. SausAGES.
14. Yougorts.
15. CRISPS.
16. Cheese thingys
Cereal. Aldi.

17/3/20 UNIWORLD

Boutique River Cruise Collection

You deserve the best

Passatta

Eggs Meat fruit

0808 40165 1058

www.uniworld.com

Aldi.

23/3/20. About 40 minutes before the 8.30pm lockdown announcement

crumpets

breakfast muffins

eggs

milk

UHT milk (long life)

yogurts (for Vi + us)

tuna

frozen veg or canned veg (sweetcorn for Vi)

squash

fizzy water

OJ + AJ

snacks for Vi

butter

sausages

________

bars of soap.

washing tablets for clothes

washing up liquid Aldi

28/3/2020 Lockdown day 4 (Sat)

CooKing oil.

Washing up Liquid.

air FReShren.

GReEN Pards.

doMestos.

for d.

fruit

Aldi
(I think 'pards' is 'peppers' but no idea re 'for d.')

11/4/2020 Lockdown day 18 (Good Friday)

milk Vioge
bread
eggs
tin tomato
Rape seed oil
pototo
vaisins
pineappk
oil
waShing up
black p udding
gin ger
butter
m.water
chi cKen
fIsh
Cheese
mi nce
muShhour
Aldi

18/4/2020 Lockdown day 25
Pasta
Milk
Brown sugar
Als Pop
White Sugar
Aldi

27/4/2020 Lockdown day 34
minced pork flowers
fish cakes MID S or C
Activa-Rasp paper
mature cheddar express
mail
milk 6pt + Elmlea dble
Ground cumin
Pointed peppers 10 L eggs
Jaket pot Sm uh Shred
Vine toms 2Sm Loaves
cucumber Tissues MS
celery
Garlic Fishfingers
ml peas x2 Basa x3
Aldi

1/5/2020 Lockdown day 38
CaKe

Toothpaste
T-wipes
CoKe ice T-lights
Voddy.
Bilbo meat .
Aldi

2/5/2020 Lockdown day 39
ToMato ketchup
Pop / dr. PePPer cans
beer / Wine
tea bags
Chicken SteakS X2
mushy peas X2
beeF Slices
ChiPS
Iceland either
Minted burgers +
lettuce
or
Lamb Shamk in
Red Wine Sauce + PeaS
STAR WARS
Sainsburys

8/05/2020 Lockdown day 45
Sourdough. Chorizo. Raisins. Almondmik (3). Pine nuts. Fresh chicken breasts x 4. Prawns King x2. Granolu? Bars. Corn FlaKes. Chocckete? Tnu x4 (water). Oats. Pabbautu. Fruit fibre. Light mayonaise. Linfeed. Rice caKey. tin toms. oregano. grand: coriander. tin leitilJ. cRacJers. Honey. Brown pijtu. Nutellu. Basmati Rice. Ketchup. Rum. Oyster Sauce.
Lidl

15/05/2020 Lockdown day 52

120
double cream
Greek Yogurt. T12
garam masala
garlic & ginger puree
Chills.
Nams.
Aldi

(I am fairly sure that this is a curry in the making)

19/05/2020 Lockdown day 56
Don't forget my...
PlusterS
cream
Ice cream
Soup Tomato
MilH
ham
chicken Slices
pizza MeatFeast
Sausages
caT food
pasty
Cheese
Bread Rolls
Jacket Potato
Grapes Sm
IFAW
International Fund for Animal Welfare Found on street

19/05/2020 Lockdown Day 56
TO DO
* CUSTARDS.
* ROLLS Y6 CRUMPETS.
* BANANAS
* MELON
PARSNIPS
*POTATOES CHICKEN
* BREAD
* EGGS X12. BACON.
TRIANGLES PATE-
2 2
* SOUP CARROT MUSHROOM.
* PLUM TOMATOES TIN.
* BEETROOT. OXO.
VISCOUNT MINT
* BISCUITS RICH TEA.
DOVE
* SOAP (SOFTNER)
FOR PIP
* CORNED BEEF, TOMATO CHUTNEY.
MILK
YOGURT WELSH 4.
Found on street.

24/05/2020 Lockdow Day 61

Bread 24th
Toms
FRIES
BACON CHIVES

COOP

Lidl

30/05/2020 Lockdown Day 66 (this and the one below)
Sugar, Fruit
KidS ShamPoo Shaving ge
Toilet RoLL Face Scrub.
Chicken Wings
Equivilant of "mars bard
CAT MilK
Sweet Germ cheap CoFFee
Washing uP liquil
Garlic bread TooHpaste
IkeGGles batterrs
Peti puS. Filter TiPS
Aldi

Mushrooms Frylite X2
lettuce / toms Squash x 2
onions / pots / Brocolli
Strawberries / sml apples / water melon
sweet pot Burquers
B Chicken /PCNC ChOps
Ham / sausaqes
~~Coleslaw~~
milK x 2 MAYo
yoghurt ( all)
tom Pasta sauce / P esto
Crisps
100 roll/ wipes
FCish Pie / chicken Pieces
oven chips / frozen fruit
egqs
~~suyar?~~
wholemeal Bread / So/so Bread x2
crumpets
Aldi

03/06/2020 Lockdown Day 70

Body Cream A
B'day curdo
2 x Amazon Voncheis
2nd Class Stamps.
Tuner.
Duck LOO Cleaner.
Hair conditioner.
____________________
BanK.
1400
250 MER
Found in street

(it also says 'Jesu' vertically at the top)

...and on the back:

The Hon woman
^ orable

05/06/2020 Lockdown Day 72

ORANGE POP
BREAD
SCONES
CRUMPETS
ICE LOLLyS
B&M

(underneath the bottom right corner fold is the number 44, pre-printed)

10/06/2020 Lockdown Day 77
ChicKen BM
4 milK 2 HoT choclate
BACON
2 mince 3 PoTabe
2 Steak (Pork choPs) Mushrooms
I Sausaye
Butter I Cheese Bolnase Sauce
3 orange
Ice Creem (onion Rings)
Cheese Cake
Bread.
___________
(SALT)
(DX)
CUSTARD
STutting
eggs ========
==== Pashny
===== Aldi

13/06/2020 Lockdown Day 80

Steak.

Red ppppes. + mixed pepers

g Wten free roolls

Giabetta rolls Salman

Parmsan.

Sulad. Maca Pouder -

Caca Poucler

Oasattu. cogiWt flaKes

Buffalo wurgs hot sauce

Corrianola

reduced fut Cheese.

tortiUa Wraps

currot Sugar

celery MilK

Aldi

16/06/2020 Lockdown Day 83

NOTES

ESS MAYO

SEEDED

2 PACKS ROLLS

BOX BISCUITS

Home and Bargain

19/06/2020 Lockdown Day 83

CASE OF PEPSJ MAX .

BOTTLED WATER -MEAT

10 - LEMONADE - CLOVER

DAN DE LION + BURDOCK

PLAiN CRiSPS VIVALDJ BAKERS

PLAIN - FLOUR (SmAll)

EGGS (6) Fruit shortcake

12 Red OXO Digestive

Vinegar - COOKING BISCUits

mint sauce OIL. - W.O.T.V.

ElneH - Hair mousse

Ginger Ale ~

Ice - Cieams - SAUSAGES

FiSh Fingers BACON

Beef-Burgers . Ice - culves
Wareis - Freezer meals
Kitchen Roll - 4 Ice - cleam

H BARGAINS

Blue FOOD Bags -

SmoRed Bacon, -

Head + ShoWders -

Vosere -

Lidl

2/7/20 Lockdown Day 95

BEERS x2.
TOILET ROLL.

MiLK

CAKES.

POP.

POTATOES

Aldi.

BaCAD LOOK
POP. SWEETS - RITE
Pepperini YOG.
DOE FOOD STAmPS

BISCuITS FRuIT

Aldi

4 MulK. 4 Oranye
3 Potatoes mushrooms
~~BreAD~~
STuHing. Cabage
ChicKev . Onions
BAcon. Pepers
(Pepper
coms)
2 mince Lasnya
Cheeze PoMC
eggs Peas
1 Ce Creums WAshing Up
LiQuid
Clothes
CoHee
Aldi

6/7/20 Lockdown easing? Day 99

BeeF

Bgcor

Toilet Rolls

Smake Alarn

Tesco

ChicKew
Honey
Fruit.
D/w taro.
BeaV.
Tesco

07/07/2020 Lockdown Day... Are we out of it? (100)

MILK
E66S
COKE ICE
ROLLS
SAMOW
SHAMPOO
LEMON AOE
PEAR S
Aldi

13/07/2020

~~Bread. crumpiks. C vstard C reams~~

~~I MLLK. Bananas/ S. B vnch.~~
~~I Bottle peah pop. L CoKe.~~

~~I Small pots, canots, parsnips.~~

~~Brocolli ov. Cabbage, LeeKs.~~

~~4 Jackets. G Eggs, C/SRicKS~~

~~Chicken Soup, mvshROOm-Veg.~~

~~Bean Sprouts, Savsage, I cce lollie3~~

~~B/B pudding. Rhubard yogurts.~~

~~Lemon yogurts.~~ 4/R/C 4 S/C

cheese

~~2 W _ Oragind, Cat Food Dreamies) ch~~

Gas, Elec.

~~Srrong cheese for Bryan.~~

~~IpKt. Tongue. pkt of Fish cloths~~

~~I Fruit caKe. I fruit Loaf.~~

~~W - up - LiQuid, Peach SQuOSH~~

Tesco

TO DO

Burgers - Baps

Sausages

C ofthe Cib

Corriarder

more crisps

cucumber

JellY

Pasta

Red onidn

Gin

lemonodi

nutrional yeast .
Tesco

On the back of this one were some recipes for a BBQ I think.

20/07/20
PoP (3)
Eggs 6 (L)Jam.Milk
Salmon.Aldi

Sloor cleanEE
Mouth Waoh
Salads - leettuce tomatos - ~~cumaber~~
Burger buns
ladies razors
Mozzarella cheese
Mushrooms
Cucumber
FOIL
EGGS
Icing Sugar
Aldi

27/07/2020

Bread. lighters

MilK. Sweet's

Butter for me . for

Egggis MuM

Foll

SouP.

Weetabix

cruncHY twat.

BceKed Bean S.

Spectti

meals
ICe .
BoG Roll 5

CoKe 3, Orange 1
Chips
BIN BugS

BLSuitS < WaYNE

Morrisons

(Looks like Coke won the cup, although Bog Roll's five goals against no opponent must count for something when the prizes are handed out).

______

5/08/2020 (fragment)

Bread chiO ~~2 60~~

Biq Wathur ~~2 -~~

~~3 34S~~

3 while .

BvncncI . ~~I Brown~~

Morrisons

(Here we have an intriguing half-formed example of the genre. What was BvncncI ? The instinct is to go for Broccoli but in tihs game there are no exact answers; best to take these arcane texts how they come, and leave the exegisis to others).

08/08/2020

mushrooms.

butternut squach

palsaVa.

Ehhr

Tea bags

MilK

Aldi

(on the back of this one was some geneaology research which obviously I can't upload)

17/08/2020

MILK CRUSeS . Jv ier.

ScavY . CHOC

~~CHIPS~~ / FRO3EN PIEJ

FRO3EN SWEET CORN .

RICE

TEA BAYS + SUYAR

TOW ÷ BROWN SAUCE -

MINCE

HAM . SPOAJ.

SALAO

Aldi

21/08/2020

WastinQ uP liguid

Sausages

MrBens SP Rice

Chilli MucKeral

deodrast

Potatoes/~~New Pots~~

Red r ions

Carrop

Worcester sauce

Ceggi /Tomato SuuCe

F sh Fist trout

K ons

Veee Pal

ChiPs

Beans / ruPs

Rice Pudding

Just Roll pastig

Tribles /Tiramisu

Asda

GTaruon 20p

MoZZcrella

Spread Cheeee .

£5 FiZZ (wire?)

Tcnic 7

Kev Plumber
Gardon

Aldi

27/8/2020

SULTANA S
FLOUR S>R>>
WARTS-
UAUL1

Sainsbury's

29/08/2020
Pupev MielK
Shoes BacK
Make UP
Ceeumsev
13 im P imev
7Piw Wipes
On floor outside M&S

- POST letter
- BOOY SHOP 91FT
- COLLECT M&S ORDER
- SUNDAY MeAL + SATW09
- POTATOES
- PAPERCLIPS
- B'DAY CARDS FOR FIONA,
JILL M.
- GIFT FOR FIONA
On pavement of shopping street

custarO frau lelet
crearn.
braeelet
~~Apple soue .~~
brzeeer
Soleee
culeslaw,
Lenk chips.
On street outside M&S

30-08-2020
NeW PoTATOES
BROAI)
VEG
MICK
CAKE
PUI)I)NG
Aldi

03/09/2020
Bacom ✔
Cheese slices ✔
Wipes
porK chops ✔
opplc sauce
coco pops cereal X2
MiIK
Buryers
munch bass (different tyoes)
Joy5
Spuolo bokiny ✔
onion
4xking
Found on street

04/09/2020
WOLLIGSTRL SPUCH
Day FooN
CAT Bi5uuII7
PAGLLW Ricw
CRKnmr
CUSTRRY
Aldi

06/08/2020
iUlk
Polne cheezo
Honse dreurq
? Cho c dnnle
Babeel Gearo
Skugav brown
Lidl

MILTc

ChiPS
Veggie moucc
Tapes
Lidl

Toilet rolls
PoP.
hird billy
bird cocowt
CaL Food Tory.
neu PoLaLoes
bananus / grupej.
fish _ Ki33g
fishin buHir.
Peunuts .
My almond milK /
Ki33y bing of fool.
For3en fruit
quiche .
biead rulls
Lidl

09/09/2020
~~Susage + B~~
H6RSCRADISH
Daraeomo1
Aldi

(This fragment speaks of arcane signs and daemonic curses. And sausages.)

13/09/2020
~~Cod Pawsleg Sance.~~
Granbeeres.
~~MilK.~~
~~Cieam~~
~~Bananad 2.~~
M&S

Baby food
Crisps
Milk
wine
Sainsbury's

20/09/20
Samsbwy's
Potatoes - Thick cut back bacon
Lacto tree milk Sem i eSkinned
Horey Roast ham x 3
French Stick x2
Trosted wheat +Crinchynut Cereal.

M+S.
nuts - oranges
Daies
Lettuce leaves. -Porridye oat3
Beej+Orioi Cri.sps
Dir K Choc digesti nes (red).

~~Wasning deiergent~~
D~~iSnwatsher fabiets~~
Tuna
Cn~~ig SeedS.~~

M&S

Banana'S
Oppies Sugai
Ovanges Biscuits
Kiwi. Gereai bars,
meat, yoghurts,
Bread, Chisps.
Sa lad. Picicie.
POP / Squash .
washung up liquid
wipes.
tablets
Scap powder
Aldi

30/09/2020
BLeach.
5 eeel.
5 agar
Aldi

02/10/2020
Shampoo a Camel
Shuning razovs intvitioi
8hower gel .
biscuurs tov wone !
Breeid
banenas
Wilco

10/10/20
PEAS
SOAP
T' PASTE / ROLLS
2 X DOG POOP
+ X TUNA
Sriol Spread
Derwich / E44S
M&S

11/10/2020
4 Custard ..
3 Apple. . .
..
I Beach
Found on floor, residential

littuce
tonis
giapis, harnarns, applesm tary
smuked salmon
cheddar, cumsmseit
jam, hincy
muig, butter
ri5itto
tinnid timatot.
malhis, rice, dispiEs, poindye
troll, bliach, cripis
single cHam, splay t eah
i i r a tto
white / sueet potatro
oniins
Aldi

17/10/2020
TOMATOES

POTATOES.
WATER.
JUICe.
Chicicen BreASTS.
PORIC CHOPS / LAMB chops.

BAKe BEABS

Choppeo TOmS.
SoupS.

ChorcIATE .

Tom SAUCe.
SYR FlOUR .

Paeice+ SAUCeS.IE. Saugage CASSerobe
Tesco

7/11/2020
YHHIYTHT / gomaty
bmeTaHa/KpuuaBuHN
Macno / ouicdepr

DiuLA, Kc Kafpe, XM5

Aldi

14/11/2020
~~CANASTEN~~
~~CLupooL~~
CHICKEN
5aujaye
Bacom.
K. TOWEL
MILK
P Max.
Stuck to the door of a closed M&Co.

17/11/2020

TUESDAY
ALDI
NANA'S
CUCUMBER C T
LETTICE E A
TOMATOE L N
LAZAGNE E G
~~EGGS~~ R E
BREAD {ONE SMALL WHITE} Y R
WINE X RED 2 I
POT SALAD N
CRISPS
CLOVER
Aldi

20/11/2020
CupekE, DruO
3ocKap, con, xrR5
mackapnokE
Snogu, ~~cucTRakA~~
EnicK6eeini
BErEK ryK,
yKpaca 3a TRopia
OT BM
Aldi

24/11/2020
70p G.L T.V Chorcé
65p. Andrews. T.V . Cheicé
£1.35 Andrew SLcll T.V. Choicé
65p Katie T.V choicé .
_______________________
The Sun . -
I)aily Express -
Raspbomb
Radio times -
Midlands
Aldi