I am not going to do a Xmas song this year cos I never get around to it but here's the script and it was gonna be boss

Xmas Song, 2019 - intro and outro to the song in the middle. Script follows:

FX: Ring, ring. (telephone, obv).

Ring ring.

Ring, rring.

MARY CHRISTMAS (in distance): Santa. Phone’s ringing.

Ring ring

Ring ring

MARY (louder and more exasperated): Santa sweetie. Phone!

Ring ring

Ring ring

MARY: Santa get the fucking phone!

SANTA: (sotto voce) For fuck’s sake woman can’t I take a shit in peace?

SANTA: (To MARY): Yes dear.

Ring ring

FX: Toilet flush, Santa muttering to himself etc. Santa’s steps toward the still-ringing phone get louder.

Ring ring

Ring ri…

SANTA: Ho ho ho. North Pole here. You have reached Santa.

JOE (is on the other end of the phone): Alright lad. How are ya lad.

SANTA: Oh hello Joseph. Ho ho ho. Always a pleasure.

JOE: SO, what it was yeah…

(FX in background interrupts: snuffling, excited panting noises)

MARY: Oh Rudolph that’s right, just there. (this sort of thing continues throughout the rest of the conversation.)

JOE: I was um

SANTA: I thought you Jews didn’t celebrate Christmas anyway. Shouldn’t you have rung the Hannikah hotline or something?

JOE: Um. I think that might be racist. Anyway you know full well I don’t believe any of that shit.

SANTA: Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho.

JOE: Anyway, I was thinking of doing a Christmas song again this year.

SANTA: Oh no. You may NOT. You have been a very, very bad boy.

JOE: What?

SANTA: Let me see now (FX: Papers rustling). Yes. You have had ten wanks to ladyboy porn this year. You spat on the floor. You cussed at the television… oh hang on that was when Eastenders was on. That’s alright then. But I cannot let the spitting and the spunking go by I am afraid.

JOE: I mean, ya know. They all seemed happy. I’ll text you a link to the mobile.

SANTA: Hmmm.

FX: text coming-in noises (ya know that digital beepy interference you get on the line when a mobile is nearby).

JOE: Got it?

SANTA: Ohhhh. Oh! Whoa! Ho! Ho! WHOA! (FX: Ladyboy porn noises, through a mobile)

SANTA: I will need more time to… study this.

JOE: So…

SANTA: Yes in the light of this information I think you may proceed. I have to go now and… lock these doors and be alone for no reason I can think of. I need to be alone for… a few minutes.

JOE: Enjoy yourself…  (FX: phone clicks, dialling tone)

(Song)

EXTRAS to record and drop into the song’s middle eight: (feel free also to do some Santa-like noises and stuff. Ok.)

SANTA: Mary, Mary, where did you put my razors? Goddamnit woman I buy a new set every year and every year I can’t find them. This beard itches to buggery.

__

MARY: Oh Rudolph, it’s not just your nose that’s big and red.

_

SANTA (trying to start up his sleigh, unsuccessfully, so FX: car noises trying to engage): Come on you fucker. Goddamn it. I filled you up last millennium with gas. Should be half a tank. Come on, you piece of shit sleigh. You fucking piece of fucking aids.

___

MARY: Hey Santa, Bob Geldof’s on the phone. Something about feeding the world?

SANTA: Tell him to fuck off. Scruffy little prick.

____

MARY: Hey Santa let’s just go to Cayman this year and sit on the beach. Can’t you hire, like, Spiderman to do the presents?

MARY (singing to the tune of ‘Feed the World’ by Band Aid): Poooor Midge Ure… Geldof’s getting all the muff… (repeat a few times with gusto)