Horror on the High Street

Horror on the High Street

Mystery Man disgusts locals

By Jasper Tits

It seemed to be an ordinary shopping day in Ffossip.

Young mothers wheeled their babies around in prams, stopping to chat with friends and neighbours as they made their way down the High Street. Pigeons swooped and cooed through the grey skies, waiting as ever for the prospect of dropped crisps becoming their lunch.

The sun strained at the clouds, waiting its turn to take centre stage and shine once more.

But something was wrong. Very wrong.

For at a till in the local branch of Tesco’s, a man was about to complete a transaction that would shake the sleepy market town rudely out of its slumber.

Eyewitness Edna Judgemental spoke of her utter shock at what she’d seen.

“It was awful,” said Judgemental, 82, through a thickening veil of tears. “The man, bold as brass, put his groceries on the conveyor till belt.”

“He paid the bill, easy as you please, and took his shopping away.”

Judgemental, who vomited whilst telling the story, added that amongst the shopping there was a tin of Cheese and Chives Pringles.

“It makes me shudder just to think of it. He’d paid full price for those Pringles. Full Price!”

Another shopper, Darren Garbled, said that had he been present during the incident, things may have been different.

“I’d of smacked him right up the face,” said Garbled, 36. “The absolute idiot could of got Walkers Stax for £1.49 – they’re right bloody next to Pringles on the shelf. If I see him, or anyone wot looks like him, I can’t be held responsible for my actions.”

Garbled was later detained by police.

Shop Horror

The man has been labelled the ‘Pringles Prick’ by online commenters. The individual being sought by Ffossip Police Force, is described as being around 5’10”, wearing jeans and a white T-shirt. Images captured on the Tesco’s till roll confirmed that he had, indeed, paid out £2.49 for the cardboard-tasting reconstituted floor sweepings from a potato factory. Detective Erson Fing called for calm as riots threatened to break out throughout the border town.

“The public should not approach this man under any circumstances,” said Detective Fing. “His state of mind is clearly not right, as he would have had to walk past Poundstretchers, Home and Bargain and B&M’s to get to the Tesco.”

Those three stores, he added, stocked the same flavour stackable nearly-crisps, charging £1.29, £1.99 and 99p respectively.

“Yes, the B&M’s packaging still had images of the 2018 World Cup on the outside, but the Best Before date was clearly marked as May, 2019,” the police officer added. “We just cannot fathom the thinking behind this horrendous high street crime.”

“A helpline has been set up for those affected by this shocking story. Phone Ffossip 000000012 and leave your details. A medical team is on standby 24/7.”

Tesco’s were remaining tight-lipped about the ongoing matter, with a spokesman for the conglomerate emailing a short and terse quote to the paper.

“Your message could not be delivered to its recipient,” read the statement. “We have tried to deliver it but the server rejects it as invalid. We will try again in 30 minutes.”

“For further assistance please contact your Internet Provider,” added the spokesman.

At press time reports were unsubstantiated that an individual had been spotted in Superpound trying to negotiate a discount on the purchase of a single highlighter pen that he’d taken from its 20-pack plastic packaging.

Page Four: Are you a potential Pringles Prick? Find out with Doctor Zebedee Q. Hackysack’s five-minute questionnaire.