They Saw the Man, and They Threw Things, and One Stuck

So, they got him. Eventually. Attritionally. Finally.

The lifelong anti-racist hoisted on the biggest irony

That politics could muster. One weak point, and blindly

He stroked his beard too long. And thoroughly, decidedly

Blew it.

Caught between the rascal rocks of politricks and policy,

Red-ringed, rope-doped, the mud chucked stuck and suddenly

He was done. Nobody told him so; he carried on. We sighed as he

Carried on. Too late. It’s gone. To think there was a time when we

Believed in

A newer, gentle politics. No dice, no chance. Because instead

A man who maybe fucked a dead pig’s head

Did the same to the country. And, boy, since then

There’s been two years of bullshit, no movement when

We needed

More than a figurehead; more than momentum.

We needed each other, but there was a schism

And instead we argued. And thus is the rhythm

Of established falsehoods, the familiar idiom

Repeated.

So they got him. But still, hanging on, banging on,

He abides. Like a terrible Superbowl ad riffing on

A glorious past; inglorious pastiche. It’s all gone, it’s all done.

The country’s on fire now. The world’s not got long

It seems.

Twitter, Facebook, Instagram heroes

Memes of vituperative desperadoes

See that the emperor really does wear clothes

And sometimes the mirror tells lies. But we all know

That too.

They got him. He’s caught out. There’s nothing to add.

The party’s fucked too, and if only we really had

Stomped on the problem with haste, well. We’d not have

Had to despair of our own magic granddad

For shame.

I cannot watch the news no more

Shifty motherfuckers with their arse-witted theses

Have smashed this fucking country into little fucking pieces:

Brexit means Brexit, leave means leave

We got fru the war, we don’t need vees

Unelected mafias on the Euro gwavy twain

Tewwing us wot to do, it’s fakin insane

We alweady had a democratic vote, for fucks sake

You lost, get over it, gah, just another snowflake

A campaign built officially on half-truths and lies:

I’ve never felt so lonely and sad in my life.

And the bleeding-palmed fruit-pickers sing

Doo do do do doo

Do do do doo doo do do doo

Do do do doo doo do do doo

Do do do doo doo do do doo

Do do do dooooooooooo

TB&B - A Round

I wake up singing a fair bit. It is annoying to myself. But then I sometimes can write this shit down and foist it off elsewhere so it's not in my head. Here's today's jingle.

(If you want to really know, the TB&B stands for: Testicles, barnacles and bollocks. I don't know why. But I'm claiming the Scrambled Eggs Defence nonetheless.)

The World According to Fink Macropolis

Fink Macropolis surveyed his surroundings. His castle was bleak, his rooms grimy. But they were his. By ancient battle and justified murder. Fink Macropolis owned them.

He owned the lands, from the fire-petrol gloop-pits in the North to the absinth mud of the South; the Eastern petrified dogs and the Western hagsticks; the blackening smoky belching sky and the foulness of the effluent mud. All his. Fink owned them.

Not a creature stirred throughout the world. No birdsong, because Fink had killed them all and had them stuffed and stitched together for his roof. No cats because Fink had drowned them all and used their pelts for carpets. But the insects and the worms – they’d left of their own accord.

Not even the wind would stay for long: deranged skies shook with thunder and blasted lightning often, but briefly and wastefully. Fink Macropolis turned to his companion.

She was deaf and blind, because he had spooned out her eyes and stuck pins into her brain. It was the Way of Things. And the eyes had been a good meal.

Fink Macropolis looked at his companion, whose hair he had shaved and made into a wig he never wore; whose clothes were tangled with sweat and her own filth; whose whimpers he had stilled by white-hot poker into her throat. She was his, too. He owned her. She stayed still.

She had been still for quite some time.

The castle walls were dank with mould and the windows let in rain. The carpets all stank, and the portraits of his predecessors had long been torn down for firewood. If Fink looked carefully, which he never deigned to, he would see the faint impressions of the places where the frames once adorned the walls. His father and mother amongst them. Long gone. But he cared nothing for the past. It was gone and could not be owned. He cared nothing for the future, either. The future was nothing. How could it ever be? You could never reach it.

It was the closest to wisdom as he’d ever got.

Fink Macropolis surveyed his surroundings.

He was the master of all that was in the world that he could see, and because he could see nothing beyond the gloop, the absinth, the petrification and the hags, nothing else existed.

Everything, everything was his, now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and now, and he died.

AMWAT: Happy Valentine's Day

The apostrophe is correct cos it's St. Valentine so nyurks.

Well. Just to recap:

* no utilities in the stadium

* because of that the 3G can't be used for official games (no changing rooms or toilets)

* under-19s leaving to other clubs (see above)

* lots of young players in the team cos lots of players have left (non-payment, is the rumour)

* One game played at Conwy instead. Unlikely the club can pay for the rental again

* regime fading out and refusing to pay for anything as, apparently, 'we don't own the club according to the fans'. Technically, this is true. Technically, also, the role was either kit or stadium sponsor. Sponsorship is not usually repayable.

* Our manager, the redoubtable GTF, posting on Twitter in sympathy with Blackpool's plight (that is, awful owners, club being ripped apart, etc etc etc).

* Re. the above, he's getting stick. There are also rumours, though, of a 'consortium from Hull' ready to step in.

So, yeah. Nothing to say aside from what a fucking mess.

Nobody should, and hopefully nobody will, even dream of getting involved whilst this ownership tangle is still going on. It looks to me like the SA are taking legal advice and being very careful in the wording of their statements. And this, this is key. Because it has to be right, whatever comes next. Otherwise we're fucked forever.

Liquidation is the only way now. Not administration: creditors will be offered a deal. Another shell company can come and take the club away, legitimising the 'loan-to-share' weirdness that has never properly been implemented or indeed voted on by the shareholders.

This would be a disaster. Not that it isn't at the moment, of course.

Maybe Arriva Bangor can build a stand on Beach Road, and we can go there every week instead. Hardly the Theatre of Dreams. I've personally had some nightmare games there, although we nearly always won regardless. Ah yes, the mud and hangovers of younger days. God bless us, every one.

Solidarity.

It's OK, it's pretty pixellated folks but mildly NSFW. A new product combining tea and... well. You can see. Oh yes I do waste time. Yes.

Found Songs: Did Ya Do?

An arrangement of a playground song from Salvi Island, circa 1880. Listen here.

Joke

Horror on the High Street

Horror on the High Street

Mystery Man disgusts locals

By Jasper Tits

It seemed to be an ordinary shopping day in Ffossip.

Young mothers wheeled their babies around in prams, stopping to chat with friends and neighbours as they made their way down the High Street. Pigeons swooped and cooed through the grey skies, waiting as ever for the prospect of dropped crisps becoming their lunch.

The sun strained at the clouds, waiting its turn to take centre stage and shine once more.

But something was wrong. Very wrong.

For at a till in the local branch of Tesco’s, a man was about to complete a transaction that would shake the sleepy market town rudely out of its slumber.

Eyewitness Edna Judgemental spoke of her utter shock at what she’d seen.

“It was awful,” said Judgemental, 82, through a thickening veil of tears. “The man, bold as brass, put his groceries on the conveyor till belt.”

“He paid the bill, easy as you please, and took his shopping away.”

Judgemental, who vomited whilst telling the story, added that amongst the shopping there was a tin of Cheese and Chives Pringles.

“It makes me shudder just to think of it. He’d paid full price for those Pringles. Full Price!”

Another shopper, Darren Garbled, said that had he been present during the incident, things may have been different.

“I’d of smacked him right up the face,” said Garbled, 36. “The absolute idiot could of got Walkers Stax for £1.49 – they’re right bloody next to Pringles on the shelf. If I see him, or anyone wot looks like him, I can’t be held responsible for my actions.”

Garbled was later detained by police.

Shop Horror

The man has been labelled the ‘Pringles Prick’ by online commenters. The individual being sought by Ffossip Police Force, is described as being around 5’10”, wearing jeans and a white T-shirt. Images captured on the Tesco’s till roll confirmed that he had, indeed, paid out £2.49 for the cardboard-tasting reconstituted floor sweepings from a potato factory. Detective Erson Fing called for calm as riots threatened to break out throughout the border town.

“The public should not approach this man under any circumstances,” said Detective Fing. “His state of mind is clearly not right, as he would have had to walk past Poundstretchers, Home and Bargain and B&M’s to get to the Tesco.”

Those three stores, he added, stocked the same flavour stackable nearly-crisps, charging £1.29, £1.99 and 99p respectively.

“Yes, the B&M’s packaging still had images of the 2018 World Cup on the outside, but the Best Before date was clearly marked as May, 2019,” the police officer added. “We just cannot fathom the thinking behind this horrendous high street crime.”

“A helpline has been set up for those affected by this shocking story. Phone Ffossip 000000012 and leave your details. A medical team is on standby 24/7.”

Tesco’s were remaining tight-lipped about the ongoing matter, with a spokesman for the conglomerate emailing a short and terse quote to the paper.

“Your message could not be delivered to its recipient,” read the statement. “We have tried to deliver it but the server rejects it as invalid. We will try again in 30 minutes.”

“For further assistance please contact your Internet Provider,” added the spokesman.

At press time reports were unsubstantiated that an individual had been spotted in Superpound trying to negotiate a discount on the purchase of a single highlighter pen that he’d taken from its 20-pack plastic packaging.

Page Four: Are you a potential Pringles Prick? Find out with Doctor Zebedee Q. Hackysack’s five-minute questionnaire.

A lady brought some books to the counter. They reminded her of being a teenager, and she told me why:

It was 1973, she said.

In her banged-up VW

Taking turns driving

With her then-boyfriend.

“We started in Belgium

And worked our way

Down through Europe

Oh. It was amazing.”

I stopped fiddling

With the CMS

And leaned in

Avidly listening:

“We didn’t have cash

But didn’t really need it

Only for petrol

And the odd sandwich

Wherever we could

Find somewhere local

And cheap enough.

We were in love,

Or so we thought.”

I believed her instantly.

I could see her eyes

Light up even now, caught

In that moment, not this:

Seventy, seventeen years old -

She was neither, and both;

As memories rushed

Out of her like the air

Of a bazaar rushes

Into you, bringing

Spices, adventures, where

You find yourself inside

The bustle and dust

A call to the senses:

You – you are alive.

“We were in Greece,”

She continued, whilst

A queue started forming

Behind her. “So these

Books reminded me

Of 1973

When we explored

These new countries.

I said to him,

I said: Love. I want

To go to Istanbul.”

I leaned further in

And the queue got longer

Behind this woman

Whose hair started white

But got younger and younger

With each word, each tinkling

Bell of happiness

Of warmth she gave out

Irresistible, and sinking

Into those beautiful eyes

I fell; I wanted

To be there, in Greece

In Nineteen Seventy Three

With her, laughing, driving

A jalopy with

Doors falling off

Through dust roads, gears grinding.

A waking work-dream

To be in the story

To hear the story

Olives, tangerines

Plucked straight from the trees

By the side of the road

Whilst the engine cooled down;

Lovers caressed by steam.

“Oh it was perfect,

I guess it was a week

But we didn’t have watches

We looked at the shadows

And slept when night fell

Or where we fell

Into each other

And the rest of it, well

I’m a lady, you know.”

And her eyes spoke

Of breathtaking love

Swimming in the flow

Of humanity, racing

Hearts, prickly heat

Of each other; eternal,

Magnificent, making

Love to each other

With each other

In the moment.

“When we got there

in Istanbul itself,”

She said, holding up

The books that

She’d plucked from the shelf,

“It was everything –

And more –

I’d hoped for.

The call to prayer ringing

Through sandstone and souks:

Thrilling, dangerous,

No tourists back then.

No English spoken. No tours,

Just us, and Istanbul,

And the heat,

And the wild

And the adventure.”

I said: “It sounds wonderful

I was there in 2007

But it was a lot different.

It was easy to travel

And I loved the Blue Mosque

And Hagia Sofia

And the cats prowling

Inside the Tokapi Palace

And that Grand Bazaar

A labyrinth of madness.”

She nodded.

The line behind her

Lengthened yet more. “One

Thing I recall,

More than anything,”

She continued, “Along

The river, the Bosporous,

Wherever people lived

There they fished

And caught tremendous

Glistening, silver, red,

Beautiful creatures.

And you could smell

The grills as you went

Along your way. Every man,”

Yes, and it was men

She assured me,

Carried on: “Every man

Fished his own little space

Of that river.

And all were happy.”

She paused. And her face

Darkened. Her eye-sockets

Seemed to deepen.

“Ah, but now,”

She said, sadly, softly,

“All these countries. The EU.

Why do they come?

To fish in our waters?

To steal our seafood?”

I snapped back, or forward,

Into my time.

And realised

That all that I’d heard

All that she’d said of her dancing

in freedom,

The lovers and magic

And off-the-cuff travelling

Was of naught. Someone so amazing,

So soulful,

So beautiful,

Can come into your life, giving

Memories so wonderful

But a present
So intense.

To hold those memories, whilst

Demeaning the place that 

Allowed it
To happen.
I wanted to cry, but I smiled

And stamped the Istanbul histories

With the return date.

“In three weeks,” I said,

“You are due to return these.

Now who can I help please?”

She left, holding

Three books

And raw shards of my desolate dreams.

Wearable poem 5