Family’s adopted puppy was not what it seemed
By Arnold Fuck
It was a cute little thing, sitting there just waiting to be
adopted. Just a youngster, hardly weaned from his mother – and with quite the
appetite. Mrs. Edna Fungus and her family just had to take him home.
“His pleading little eyes and funny little cheeky nose just
made us melt,” said Mrs. Fungus. “So we took him home as the newest member of
our happy family. The kids were delighted to have a puppy to play with. We
named him Rover, because we literally have no imagination.”
But as the months went on, the puppy started to display some
odd behaviour, according to its puzzled owner.
“Rather than playing dead, chasing his favourite tennis ball
or sniffing other dogs’ arses in the park, Rover preferred squishing the
moisture out of elephant shit into his mouth, eating squishy larvae and
maggots, and cutting up camels so he could sleep inside.”
Piss
As Rover grew, he also switched to walking on two legs,
insisting on climbing up sheer rock faces and jumping out of helicopters into
jungles. It slowly dawned on Mrs. Fungus that the cute little doggie she’d
thought she’d adopted wasn’t a hound at all.
“I looked again at little Rover, dressed as usual in a parka
with knives in the pockets, shorts, and his own pissy T-shirt round his head to
keep him hydrated,” she revealed. “My suspicions were further raised when the
little imp began going on about his days in the SAS over and over again, and
all the situations in which he’d had to drink his own piss to survive.”
“The penny finally dropped when, ostensibly on a survival
mission, my little Rover had actually booked into a motel rather than
constructing a makeshift shelter out of reeds, tree roots and ferns. It turns
out that I’d actually adopted a Bear Grylls by mistake.”
Wildlife expert Roy Mears explained that a mature Grylls was
not suitable as a family pet.
“A fully-grown Bear Grylls can reach over six feet in
height, and with their second dan black belt karate skills plus unique ability
to find an excuse drink their own piss every five minutes they present a real
danger. Anyone who thinks their dog may display Grylls-like traits, such as
climbing up Everest, paragliding in the Himalayas or joking with President
Obama, should contact the authorities immediately.”
Mrs. Fungus added that the family had been lucky to get away
without serious injury.
“Rover, or I should say our Grylls, never attacked us,” she
said. “But we won’t make the same mistake again.”
Wildlife experts were called in and waited until the Grylls
was busy constructing a makeshift raft out of wild boar bladders, sheep’s
stomachs and twigs before luring him into a special luxury motel where he was
destroyed humanely .
