Thursday, 1 February 2018

Self-indulgent bullshit stream of consciousness because of social media photos' way of intercutting timelines and buggering up people's thoughts OK my own fuck you too

Ah yeah I mean yeah I remember and you look sort of the same sort of unbearably twee and that is why I wanted to fuck and that is fucking still stupid and yes I did write a song about you and yes it was a forty or forty-five second harangue about how boring and snobby you were and yes there was an obvious subtext of yes I wanted to well there we were about a few lines ago and a load of decades have past I said DECADES and there you are twee as fuck smiling all the time with sprogs blabbering around and a twee partner and twee house and twee rararara and I wonder whether I was jealous all along because I knew you knew what it was like I mean the way or the method or the secret or maybe just the being of being happy.

And you were really nothing aside from nice as I remember albeit naiive I mean I was but in a different way yeah I was a sort of angsty looking for sort of Rimbaud type naiive even though I still haven’t bothered to read Rimbaud DECADES later apart from a quote that is something about deliberately deranging the senses if you are a poet that is all that is left but I am not a poet and I am all that is left really of myself back then so who is to say I am better now I definitely do not believe I will ever work that one out I just know that all these years later I think my confusion was also quite energetically pursued in one way or another but because I was sat around angsty sloganning and all that I forgot or turned away from the way the method or the secret or maybe just the being of being me

Whoever that was whoever it is whoever in between and if a life is thought of in linear segments then that makes sense I forget the philosophy of it but I liked it because it is an eternal present at every sampling stage and a person is all the people he she whatever ever was like a baby and a not quite man and an on paper middle aged scruff and those DECADES instead represent just like I dunno a jigsaw puzzle no that is not right I think it is more like you cannot see the whole person from the outside in this way without seeing all the people they are and were and will be as a kind of whole and those images are all valid and all correct not just one tiny shitting fiend somehow becoming bigger in size and learning things good or bad right or wrong and all of that crap before getting strong and then immediately weakening again and eventually going back to being a wizened and 

as Lou Reed said 

toothless clod 

once more but no that is not it it is impossible to see it from the inside anyway and the whole exercise is useless and I long for the day I forget and turn away from the way the method or the secret and maybe there will be no being be me be anymore and there will be no anymore anymore and I see these words and think fuck




Why does it make sense one way and not the others
Why do I care
Why do I feel I should care and do not want to care
It has got gets will get in the way of


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