Tuesday, 27 February 2018

Love Is Like A Flatpack (2003)

Short film treatment from October 2003... found it on an ancient DVD backup.

  1. Guy in office style work sees a fit, pretty, well turned-out gal walk past his desk; one he’s tried to get off with in the past. Has a flashback to dancing with her (he looks fantastic, nice clothes and really well turned out on a special pulling occasion) as he tries to smile at her but she looks away n walks on whilst he goes red and sweaty embarrassed. – In club some sorta work do. Poss looks around at other workers sniggering maybe; they were all there in the background of club flashback thing.
  2. Looks at his work, piles of invoices etc, does some cursory stuff, looks at her receding figure and flashes back to her grabbing him on the dancefloor of the venue where they start snogging
  3. Looks at computer screen, outa the window etc
  4. Takes keys out of coat and leaves it on his chair as if he’s only gone for a moment and leaves the office, lighting a fag Looks at watch: 2pm; flashes back to 2am where they were outside the club getting off with each other (i.e. club and work doors to outside parallels)
  5. Gets in car, checks the mirror, drives outa car park. Slightly shifty but leaves office car park. Flashback to going back to his house in a taxi (still getting off with each other)
  6. Pulls up into Ikea or similar / taxi pulls up outside his house.
  7. Fag burns down and he opens the ashtray on his driver’s door, which is overflowing; flash to ashtray on floor of his flat, also overflowing as the two are entwined on the sofa (in the dark-ish), snogging etc.
  8. Light of flat comes on cause she wants to take off her top and git jiggy etc. They snog again (she’s facing the wall and on top of him). He turns her round n gets on top, they’re going for it but:
  9. She opens her eyes and we see the devastation of the flat from her POV, which is a fuckin mess, mags all over the floor, books, porn, vids, games, ashtrays, clothes, bongs etc. Typical lad mess. She pushes him away and covers up; we see her wagging finger and obv disgusted at the state of the place. Lad protests sorta but she slams the door and leaves. He lights another ciggy and looks around the flat, re-surveying the devastation. His eyes alight on the fucked excuse for shelving that would normally have held all the bric-a-brac, and as his gaze sticks there suddenly the shelves transform into brand new spanking ones with a spangly new room and, VERY briefly, his gal with hands over eyes being led in and opening eyes to see v v v tidy room and she reacts with a yay and a kiss etc (close up of her from his POV)
  10. The ‘new shelves’ are revealed as a pic on the front of a flatpack shelving unit in Ikea. Cut to him smiling, nodding: The answer, no doubt about it...
  11. At home. Obv has a flatpack diagram that looks complex and spread all the bits out in front of him etc etc etc. puts it aside. Has pencil behind ear, lookin very professional. Cleaning up the shit and making room to put up his shelves.
  12. Phone rings. Leaves room. Returns. Clock on wall says 4pm. Another flash of tidy room sexy bird now feeling shelves sensuously etc
  13. Stared to put things together. Doorbell rings. Leaves room. Jehovah’s Witnesses there there, thrusting stuff at him. He gets rid of em as quick as poss with a copy of Watchtower or similar. – not pissed off yet. As he returns to the shelves the phone rings again and he puts the mag on top of the diagram (obscuring it)
  14. At this point, speed tidy - putting all the books, porn mags etc into tidier piles (it looks better though, and he looks pleased with himself.) Doorbell goes. Getting a bit pissed off. Goes to answer it. Two leering fools obv his mates with a bag of weed and loadsa beer. He beckons em in but goes back to his work with the shelves as they skin up etc. He takes a break for a chat and a smoke, as the air gets foggy so he opens a window.
  15. As he carries on putting stuff together and they moider on the sofa (one putting stuff in binbags) and they’re all having a laff. Tidyup bloke puts Watchtower into bag cause it ain’t needed (and with it, almost the diagram – but our man rescues it with a smile.)
  16. World gets a tad hazy n stoned and the lads are chatting – speed up as pizza is ordered and the lads are getting well stoned, gigglin etc, pizza man arrives, pizza is eaten, everyone fucked… soupy, grainy feel… clock in background says 7pm
  17. He goes back to putting up shelves whilst the other 2 chat an start offering beer round. Making decent progress, plenty of laughter etc
  18. Shelves lookin good now, all stuff in neat piles on em and a hoovered floor, flash to box but now the things look identical. Another flash of his lady friend in a state of undress by the shelves, which are tidy.
  19. All getting dressed up to go out and joshing each other about going back to the club – flashes of entering the club and chatting to girl with confidence at great tidy house
  20. All exit house, slam door. A moment passes. Shelves wobble and eventually they fall down as the camera pans to bag of unused washers caught underneath cushion on sofa.

Early Club stuff: Seventeen (Ladytron)
Workplace / Ikea sequence: Run (The Mighty Saguaro)
Early shelf making: I Want Candy (Bow Wow Wow)
Smokey bits: Lovin Pauper (Dobby Dobson)

Other notes: No actual dialogue but an almost cartoonish nuance of spoken conversations through nonsense language that puts across the feel of the subject matter. Lots of dissolves and fast cuts between internal flashbacks of protagonist and current reality. Contrasts between nightclub movement through colour, drab and staid office, B&W / washed out smoking bits etc.

Club: HeebieJeebies
Office: Gostins Building
Ikea Warrington
Flat: TBC

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