The Ballad of Jurgen

There was a robot hoover from the far orient

Resplendent in his gold coat; he was magnificent

His skin shone with the lustre of a thousand suns

He was mighty, he was lovely, he was the beautiful one

His name was Jurgen; he got down to his job

Scranning here and cleaning up a shitload of crap

He was triumphant, a true kitchen god

Though he couldn’t do the carpets cause he wasn’t that good

But he tried so hard with exuberant glee

A manic kind of insect, like a drunken, coked bee

He’d clang around in circles and would confuse himself

In the same place in the kitchen by the slow cooker shelf

Where he’d get stuck, and I’d pull him back out

And he’d flash his light at me, a thank you from the heart

And after he’d been with me for a month and a week

He stopped. Came straight toward me – and began to speak.

He said: Who, who,

Who are you my friend?

Are you a hoover too? I don’t understand.

Where’s your dustbox?

Can you tell me

Where does the world all go when you’re not looking at me?

I said Jurgen

Jurgen my boy

Yo daddy loves to see you eating dirt from the floor

You were born to

Born to bring joy

Let me empty out your tummy so you can scran some more

I turned his power off; he didn’t feel a thing.

I emptied out his dustbox and noticed the string

Wrapped around his brushes, so immediately

Did some surgery and cut him totally free

And back on he came, and he burbled along

Making happy little noises as he had a big chomp.

Then he turned round toward me and struggled along

Slowing down all the while. Something seemed to be wrong.

He said Daddy

I love you

But I’m feeling kinda tired and I want to sleep now

And Daddy

Please don’t cry

But where do hoovers go when, when, well, when we die?

I said Jurgen

Nobody knows

Not for sure, that’s the truth, where your earthly soul goes

But, my Jurgen

Jurgen it’s true

If I live a thousand years I will never forget you.

Jurgen beeped. I’d never heard that before.

He turned in one last circle. Light flashed wanly. And poor

Jurgen, he went silent and stopped.

For the final time the hoover turned himself off.

It was lovely, I guess, in the saddest of ways

To think of how the hoover had brightened my days.

And I cradled that shell, the gold tarnished and scratched.

He looked so tiny. He’d gone. I cried. His time had passed.

Hours later, my wife came back home from work.

I was still on the floor, holding Jurgen. I looked

Up at her, red-eyed. No words came out: I was lost.

She tutted at me, disappeared to the recycling box

And came back with the package Jurgen had come in.

She shook her head at me, rolled her eyes, with a grin

Rummaged around in the dense packaging

Came up with an electric cord which she plugged in

She said: Joseph

You silly sod

You should have looked harder. I said: he’s gone, my wife

She prised Jurgen

Out of my hands

And put the cord in his side: a miracle! Jurgen revived!

There was a robot hoover from the far orient

Resplendent in his gold coat; he was magnificent

His skin shone with the lustre of a thousand suns

He was mighty, he was lovely, he was the beautiful one

He was Jurgen

Jurgen our lad

He’s the best hoover buddy that I’ve ever had

He said Daddy

Life can be hard

So plug me in, you dickhead, so that I can recharge.

He was Jurgen

Jurgen our lad

He’s the best hoover buddy that I’ve ever had

He was Jurgen

Jurgen our lad

He’s the best hoover buddy that I’ve ever had

He’s the best hoover buddy that I’ve ever had

He’s the best hoover buddy that I’ve ever had

He’s the best hoover buddy that I’ve ever had

My Bangor City/1876 Wales-capped/related XI

Very enjoyable to do, this was. Criteria were that they had to have some connection with Wales/Welsh Caps, and that I'd seen them play in person. Splendid fun.

Read it here.

Piffle, de Piffell

You don’t, it seems, have to be popular to be a populist.

The world is upside down.

I think I’m falling. I don’t know which way.

Quentin, Your Secret Is OUT, Pal

Pulp Fiction was quite funny. It was cartoony enough,

Bruce Willis baldly battering the gimp and all that guff,

The constant violent posturing and use of motherfucker

As verb and noun and exclamation. There’s no actor better

Than Sam L Jackson if you’ve got some great lines to deliver.

But one thing made me feel strange.

It was a nagging, growing dread.

I think that

Quentin Tarantino’s real face is on the back of his head.

Think about it.

Reservoir Dogs was overrated, but it was quite good

Harvey Keitel was a star, and so was Tim Roth, but I thought

Michael Madsen and the ear was just a bit too much

I didn’t really like it; the whole premise was set up

Too neatly. But I spose it was the movie of the month.

And there was one thing that got me down.

Balancing on Mr. Brown’s reasonably normal neck.

You know that

Quentin Tarantino’s real face is on the back of his head.

Gotta be.

I thought Kill Bill was stylish, and the music’s always good,

You gotta give him that one. I think it’s understood

That songs can make an atmosphere darken, shimmer, shine

Like a series of rock videos, the FX pumping, fine

Sets and choreography. The conquering of time.

But I couldn’t really concentrate on it properly.

Amongst the swordfights, battles, knives, amongst the thousand dead,

I could only think that

Quentin Tarantino’s real face is on the back of his head.

It’s true.

I don’t think I’ve seen Jackie Brown, or that one in the war.

Django? No. The Hateful Eight, well, yeah, I’m pretty sure

I spent an evening viewing that. I was a bit distracted.

I couldn’t tell you much of the plot. I was getting slowly plastered

On Henry Weston’s finest cider from a single orchard.

And to be honest, my mind was wandering,

I don’t think it’s been ever said

That, truly:

Quentin Tarantino’s real face is on the back of his head.

I know it.

His new film’s getting panned by some, and wanked over by others.

It’s got a great cast, but it seems too long. I can’t be bothered

Watching yet another one with borderline misogyny

And killing and just all that fucking bullshit. It’s not for me

But hey ho, it’s not real is it. Nothing is, ultimately.

I don’t think I could sit down for that long

In the pictures, transported

To the world where

Quentin Tarantino’s real face is on the back of his head.

Quentin Tarantino’s real face is on the back of his head.

Quentin Tarantino’s real face is on the back of his head.

Quentin Tarantino’s real face is on the back of his head.

Quentin Tarantino’s real face is on the back of his head.

Quentin Tarantino’s real face is on the back of his head.

Quentin Tarantino’s real face is on the back of his head.

Quentin Tarantino’s real face is on the back of his head.

Quentin Tarantino’s real face is on the back of his head.

And now we all know it.

I am tired

I am tired of it
You are tired of it
Get it over with
Fucking get it over with

But it's not the end
You know it's not the end
The shit, the shit, the shit
The shit, the shit, the shit

It's not even started
You should know it's not even started
Get us out now, you say
Just get it over with

Because

I am tired of it
You are tired of it
Get it over with
Fucking get it over with

But it's not the end
You know it's not the end
The shit, the shit, the shit
The shit, the shit, the shit

It's not even started
You should know it's not even started
Get us out now, you say
Just get it over withI am tired of it
You are tired of it
Get it over with
Fucking get it over with

But it's not the end
You know it's not the end
The shit, the shit, the shit
The shit, the shit, the shit

It's not even started
You should know it's not even started
Get us out now, you say
Just get it over withI am tired of it
You are tired of it
Get it over with
Fucking get it over with
But it's not the end
You know it's not the end
The shit, the shit, the shit
The shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even started
You should know it's not even started
Get us out now, you say
Just get it over withI am tired of it
You are tired of it
Get it over with
Fucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not 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us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe shit, the shit, the shitThe shit, the shit, the shitIt's not even startedYou should know it's not even startedGet us out now, you sayJust get it over withI am tired of itYou are tired of itGet it over withFucking get it over withBut it's not the endYou know it's not the endThe 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He haunts me

A message from a Dog.

I became obsessed with Castor Dog.

This drawing. More than a drawing.

An avatar, really. For something

I couldn’t articulate. I was wrong

To think that I was right and inviolable

About all that stuff. Like, I had energy

And bundles of it. I was more than ready

To take on shadowy, somehow insubstantial

Society mores. I signed on, and took the money

And spent it on creating music and some words

But mostly records and drink and various herbs

And all that. It was just, and right, and anyway funny

To sniff poppers at football games and cry and giggle

Even when the bottle started stinking of cheesy feet

Even when it just created horrible throbbing headaches. Beat

Those days for fun. Maybe a smoke. A rolled-up ciggy

In one hand, white cider bottle in the other one.

And don’t admit you need a piss on the kranky bus

To an away game: people will prod and push

Your bladder til you’re sure you’ll lose control.

I don’t think anyone ever did, at that.

It was easier to urinate from a window

Or an open Transit van door as we flew down

The A55, or crawled down the A470, that

Worst-windy, gear-grindy only way to manage

To get to Aber, where we’d cheer and sing

And drink in the Nag’s Head, blue shirts sweaty, everything

Possible in football. In life, too: there was even a Bangor Garage.

But Castor Dog now was taking on shape.

I put him on the photocopied press releases

That I’d get faxed to John Peel, hoping that he’d see

The latest Vaffan Coulo lies about whatever crap

I’d made up. It was all upside-down of course:

I had rage, I spose I still do, but now I know where to aim

It. In those days, I’d rant and I’d rave but didn’t know the game

Was rigged in ways I’d never considered before.

Well. I was 19 I suppose. That’s alright. I forgive myself.

I’m not embarrassed. It was just me, then, and I still am me,

And I am him, and all the things I was previously,

A crybaby kid in school, doing sums and all that guff

And being called ‘clever’ and all that useless stuff

That stopped me thinking properly. No. That’s not right:

I ought to have read less, thought less, and just been alive;

But of course that’s the hardest one to pull off.

Castor Dog stayed, and he appeared on our records

As a picture. In the thank-yous. He was probably there

When we recorded in a squat with Sam. A place where

We were clambering over debris. It was what we could afford

And I wish I knew where those tapes were. I’d love

To hear them. No reason why other than I

Remembered them recently. I don’t know why

I did. Well. We did it. Maybe that was enough

And maybe I just want to prove it. That

We were there. Alive. Arsing about and mistargeting

These laser swords of anger and concurrent darting

Around in the murky world of knowledge that

One day would be our time. Well, I was right I think

About that. But now I wonder whether our time

Was that time; that maybe we controlled our ride

More than we thought. That amidst all the drink

And the sniffy-noses and the lung-burning days

The essence of it all was always with us. Perhaps, too,

Castor Dog knew all of this. Maybe he knew even then who

Would reappear in my memories these last few days:

Him. It. A drawing. An avatar. A receptacle for everything

He observed, quietly just remembering it all, til such time

That I would need to know that I was half-right

About some things and – though unsteadying –

I’d be happy just with this germ, this fluttering gut

When I think of those days, those people, the band

And the football, and the cider, adventures that stand

To remind me: yes, you were there. And you’re not done yet.

And that is the second coming of Castor Dog.  

A bark from the blue back in 92

I sat there, stoned, and hating Pink Floyd

Cause that’s what I knew that I was meant to do.

I didn’t even really like the smoke

Cause it made me feel miles dumber than I knew I should do.

And, well. He was an artist, this bloke. We sat

In his tiny living room on a sofa, somehow

Wedged in, a TV and a stereo a foot opposite

So to get out you’d have to crab sideways

But we were mates. (At least, we were then. Not much

Later, things happened, and he proved himself

To be a… well. We’ll have to talk again

About the way it unfolded). He doodled a collage

Without fuss or editing, straight to A3 in a burst

Of Sharpie, which at the time was a posh pen

And one you’d not really have if you weren’t

A Serious Drawer. Which he was - serious I mean -

Whilst guitar wanks and shitty diesel black fumes

Filled this weird tiny funny great odd little house

With a dullness and slowness, and I was subsumed

By the tartan-cloth cushions. And down and down

And down and down I sunk, dizzy, hoping to find

The White Rabbit myself. But that wasn’t the song.

That wasn’t the band. My balloon of a mind

Couldn’t hold any thought, and I watched his deft, strong

Movements over the paper. I couldn’t see it.

I couldn’t move. Didn’t understand how to move.

Somehow a cup of tea manifested. This

Brought me back. I was no longer removed

From myself,
From the solos,
From the indulgent shit

That I hated, cause that’s what I was sposed to do.

My hands warmed by the chipped mug, I giggled

At – what? – nothing. Everything. Everyone who’d

Ever sat anywhere, ever drank tea. And he fiddled

With one last flourish, one set of shapes wobbled swiftly

From his mind to his hand through the pen to the paper.

And he showed me the whole thing. It was a fucking mess, really.

Half an angel here, half a train there. No form, rather

The opposite, maybe. (It crossed my mind later

That perhaps he was sending me some kind of message:

‘Yes I am an artist, but that doesn’t ever

Mean everything I do is brilliant). Well, whatever

There was on this sheet, chock-full of stick-men

And cloud-fish, and gilled-tits, and graveyards,

And bearded band members with Saracen

War robes, and moons wearing lanyards

With AAA passes on them, and girls shooting

Fire from their crotches and melting

Vicars with enormous erections, there in

The corner, the tiniest doodle, the last thing

He’d scrabbly scribbled in dopey disaster

Was a puppy. Beady-eyed. On a tartan-frayed rug,

And instead of back paws this strange little bastard

Had two spherical rollers; he seemed happy enough.

Through the fug of the roach and the mist of the tea

I wished that I could befriend this cracked crock,

This misfit, this throwaway spud that drew me.

And that was the first time I met Castor Dog.