Record Breaking Summer In Store

“Unprecedented levels of shitness” promised

LONDON, ENGLAND – The UK is set for a summer season that will break all records, according to latest research.

Travel boffins explained that a rare convergence of conditions is in store that they are already dubbing ‘The Great British Shitstorm.’

Governmental and private tourism bodies are ready to work together closer than ever before to deliver a never-before seen level of incompetence, according to scientist Carlton Wuck of Ffossip University.

“Airports across Britain are readying themselves to close down as many gates as possible,” he said. “Whether that be half-arsed refurbishments or whole areas closed for a phantom ‘cleaning’ that will never take place, this is the most concerted effort for years by air partners.

“We have discovered that they are already working hard to leave the announcement of boarding gates as late as possible and wherever they can, moving them to the other side of the airport.”

Should travellers nonetheless manage to board their selected flight, contingency plans are in place, Mr. Wuck said,

“We are also recording a large number of aeroplane re-routings.”

“These have been specifically designed by the air carriers to cause maximum irritation to passengers by dropping them off hundreds of miles away from their original arrival destination. This will help them incur significant fines for parked cars, huge taxi fares and in some cases ruining their holiday entirely.”

Disruption

A representative for the Department of Transport confirmed that all motorways would be given significant ghost refurbishments during bank holidays and times of peak traffic. Six million cones have been deployed already to close off perfectly good lanes to cause maximum disruption.

Train bosses are hoping to deploy unprecedented numbers of Rail Replacement Buses during the summer period, and have already ordered a fleet of unreliable diesel-spewing rust buckets in anticipation.

Hotels are also getting on board with the initiative, said Mr. Wuck.

“There has been a previously unheard-of level of cockroach implementation this year,” he continued. 

“Teams across the hotel sector are employing high numbers of new staff to de-clean their rooms, including staining sheets with spunk and other unidentifiable fluids. The Dust Industry has reported enormous orders for pre-grimed carpets, and British toilets look set to be the most skidded they have been since records began.”

Botched repairs are already being undertaken with pound shop sellotape on plumbing, and drains are being blocked with noxious slurry ready for the holiday season.

He added that windows and outer doors were being loosened in order to let in as much traffic and street noise as was possible, with curtains also shortened so they would not touch the floor or draw properly. This, the researcher explained, was to ensure that as much light as possible was let in to wake hungover guests in the early hours.

Breakfasts will remain continental-only, he added, with a new addition this year being tiny, sweet slices of bread that consistently burn in automatic toasting machines.

Customer service is looking to be the worst ever, with statistics suggesting levels of giving a fuck down to a record 0.9%, adjusted for inflation. Grunted semi-acknowledgements and gritted-teeth irritation are both on the up, whilst staff are being observed to disappear for vape breaks up to ten times an hour.

It all adds up to something very special, according to Mr. Wuck.

“All in all,” concluded the scientist, “The UK will be able to look back and be proud of its record of delivering unprecedented levels of shitness this year.”